This morning I took the kids sledding…
“Come on Mom!” Michael said, pointing to the top of the hill filled with sledders, “Come with me!”
I agreed and made my way up the hill – carefully walking up the steep incline -trying not to fall. I akwardly got onto the front of the the
two-man sled two person sled piece of foam with handles that’s clearly not meant for one large ten year old and a one large housewife. I dug my heels into the snow as Michael climbed aboard and he started to push us forward.
“NO!” I screeched trying to dig my heels further into the fluffy snow – because of course….as usual in Goopville – some huge fucking douchebag father was standing right in front of us in the middle of the hill chatting with his children…
It was too late – and we hurdled forward at the speed of light – while he and his children dove out of our way and narrowly avoided an icy death…
Why is it that year after year – I have to remind people how to behave during the winter time??
Here’s a friendly reminder of how to behave during bad winter weather – from our blizzard in 2013….
Here in Connecticut we pretty much are at the point where we expect some sort of weather catastrophe every 2 months.
As usual, Blizzard Charlotte didn’t disappoint.
Gone are the days when there’s a snow storm and you stay home for a day, make a snowman, drink some hot chocolate and proceed with business as usual the next day.
Oh no – the nonsense began on Thursday – and school is closed tomorrow.
That will be DAY 4 of being indoors as a happy family.
Thursday and Friday morning were more storm preparation days when everyone was driving around like maniacs stockpiling food and gas hoarding to get ready for the blizzard.
I get it – it’s unpleasant and stressful, but people need to calm the fuck down.
The world is not ending.
Calm down people and stop being assholes.
Precipitation is not a green light for you to let loose all of your bad personality traits on strangers. Here are some rules:
TEN RULES OF BLIZZARD ETIQUETTE:
1 – YOU DON’T NEED THAT MUCH BREAD:
Of course I was at the store with everyone else in the world on Thursday stocking up on food supplies for the weekend. I was basically thinking snacks, lunch and dinner, maybe some brownies.
Lo and behold the shelves were bare, because people act like they are going to be stuck in their house for 6 months. This was the bread aisle.
And then there was this….
When I got home with a plantain and a box of firecrackers, I turned on the local news and they were interviewing a woman while she loaded up her car with groceries and she had no less than 50 loaves of bread in her trunk!!
BAD BLIZZARD ETIQUETTE YOU BREAD HOARDER!! DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON IN TOWN THAT MIGHT LIKE A SANDWICH??
2 – AT GAS STATION KEEP PURCHASES LIMITED TO GAS
So after the grocery store was a bust I headed out to get gas. After going to a couple of gas stations that ran out of gas, I landed at one that just had 6 huge lines. It’s hard to pick which line to jump into – but I chose to get behind a guy that had a little car and he was in the middle of pumping, so I figured he would be quick.
He finished pumping, hung up the gas nozzle, pressed some buttons and then moseyed on into the gas station. Cursing him, I glanced into my rearview to see if I could back up and switch lines, but I was blocked in.
We were all very pissed off. When it’s the end of the world, anything can cause a riot.
After 15 minutes of waiting as more and more cars lined up behind me, he came out with a COFFEE!!!!
If it is Blizzard prep time and there is a gas line – you need to get your mid-afternoon coffee elsewhere, my friend.
#3 – MAKE WISE CHOICES ABOUT WHERE TO HUNKER DOWN:
My parents took this opportunity to go to their beach house before the storm “because they have a generator there.” I tried to convince them that it was a bad idea but they don’t listen.
So of the 9000 households in the entire state of Connecticut that lost power, guess which town they were all in?
The town where my parent’s have their beach house of course!!
And the generator that my parents were so excited about? Oh yeah.. it broke.
After my mother told me this I called her back to check and see if they had found a solution.
“Well your father went out back and he got the generator going, but when the power went on in the house it exploded the television and now something’s burning in the house and we don’t know where…I have to go.” she hung up abruptly.
Later they ran out of gas for the generator because they had not planned properly and ended up nearly freezing to death.
While the “end of the world” people are insane – people who don’t prepare at all and make horrible choices that are unsafe are equally as disturbing.
#4 –TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO ACCOMPLISH SMALL TASKS:
Once you are snowed in – my theory is that it is a good time to organize, clean and get some projects done that you never have time for.
If you are left for too long with nothing to do it’s not good for you. We went sledding today and a friend told me that her friend was going so crazy in the house with his wife and children that he signed up for Ashley Madison!!!!
I heard from friends and neighbors that were intoxicated for 3 days straight.
This is a perfect time to weed through the hoarding.
While I busily cleaned out Sam’s closet and shelves, I was knee-deep in LEGO’s and books when Sam casually mentioned that Mr. Gaga was snoring downstairs.
Not on my watch, buddy. Too much down-time, sleeping, eating and drinking can lead to depression, fatness and divorce.
CLEAN AND ORGANIZE!!! TRUST ME!
#5 – WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN HELP YOUR NEIGHBORS
Mr. Gaga would actually throw me into a burning fire to help strangers. His “helpfulness” is a problem that we have been working on.
So it was shocking to me when our snowblower broke and we shoveled for 5 hours and nobody cared to help.
People with snowblowers just waved, zipped through their entire driveway and then dusted off their coats and headed indoors.
Are you kidding me?? Our cars were covered with so much snow that it took approximately 2 hours just to get them out.
OUR BACKS ARE BROKEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!
#6 – DON’T LOSE STEAM
When you live in Antarctica and everything you own is covered with 3 feet of snow, you lose sight of what’s ok and not ok.
For example, after 4 delirious hours of back-breaking work – the vehicle above looked like it was in good shape to us.
At the time, this is what we actually saw when we looked at it:
So I understand how you can lose steam and get confused about what is appropriate, but you must completely uncover your windshield and car roof before departing. It is a must. I think it’s even the law.
If you have dug out your driveway and car – just take a minute and at least dust off the windshield.
My neighbor decided to leave today with about 3 inches of windshield space clear.
This is not advisable.
#7 – MOTHERS DON’T LIKE SNOW
There’s nothing worse than having a broken back from shoveling, having to watch your neighbors smoke cigars in their freshly snowblown driveways, knowing that your insane parents are living in a cold, powerless house that may or may not be on fire and then having your wretched children through a snowball at you.
Snowmen, balls, and forts are all Mr. Gaga territory. The end.
#8 – SLEDDING ETIQUETTE FOR MORONS
Back in the day, children had common sense and inherently knew enough not to walk back up the middle of the hill while 30 children are waiting to go down on their sleds.
We took the kids sledding and several children (one that was especially bad) would just walk right up the hill so nobody could go and then she would sit her bratty ass right down in front of the kids that were waiting and take another turn!!!
I had 3 days indoors at this point so I was loudly disagreeing with this behavior.
“Is she fucking kidding me right now?” I asked Mr. Gaga loudly amidst parents and young children.
His eyes bulged out of his head. “BE QUIET!” he muttered.
That was the first time.
Then she did it AGAIN!!!
“What is she a dick?? Where are her parents?” I demanded.
(*In today’s world – on top of the children being little assholes the parents are all on the hill with the children micromanaging the sledding operation.)
Mr. Gaga took the kids and sleds and diplomatically moved to a different area of the hill, before any more trouble brewed.
Thank God – because things were about to get ugly.
#9 -IF YOU JUST WAIT IT OUT, SOMEONE WILL GO INSANE
Because Mr. Gaga kind of steered me away from the brat on the hill, he thought a crisis was averted. However, what he failed to realize was that this town and in particular this hill was filled with little and big assholes.
Eventually it wasn’t just one little girl going up the wrong way…it was everyone!!!
Finally, one of the kids couldn’t take it anymore and she went flying down the hill and took out a couple of kids. Well, when that happened suddenly a dad went running down the hill to help his injured child and start yelling up the hill.
He was holding his enormous (too old to not know better 12-year-old daughter) and yelling at the whole crowd.
“PARENTS!! PARENTS!!! TELL YOUR CHILDREN TO WALK UP THE SIDE OF THE HILL!! THIS IS NOT SAFE!!!!”
Oh really you moron? You just noticed?
#10 – NO TEXTING IN THE MIDDLE OF A SLEDDING HILL
It’s really sad that today’s society is so dumb that this has to be on my list of rules.
At the end of all the sledding torture we were getting ready to leave and the safest way to get to the bottom of the hill and our car was to sled down.
I got ready to go. I was on a saucer and Mr. Gaga was on a toboggan ahead of me, but we couldn’t go because there was a mother in the middle of the hill who had stopped midway up to TEXT!!
Yes – so I was waiting for her to finish her TEXT and move…but she didn’t.
“Just go.” I said to Mr. Gaga.
“We are going to knock her over,” he answered.
“Good – she deserves it.” I answered.
Off he went purposely veering his sled away from the texter.
Off I went gunning for her with all my might.
As I came about two feet away she looked up and took one step back, enough so I could only kick her lightly with my boot.
“Oops,” she said as I sped by.
Right….ooops lady….whatever helps you sleep at night.
STAY WARM AND PLEASE REMEMBER THESE TIPS THE NEXT TIME THERE IS SNOW ON THE GROUND!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA
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