It should be called “Hallow….eend of your diet.
It starts with that pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks. It always is available way too early, when I am still wearing flip-flops and I am not ready for it.
But then one day instead of getting my usual regular coffee with low-fat milk and no sugar, I will cave and get this frothy, creamy pumpkin delight.
And then I will be super organized and efficient so I will buy this a couple of weeks ahead of time, you know in case the store runs out of candy….
And since I can plainly see that each pack only has 50-80 calories, I will dream of the little delicious Twix bars. I will think of them when the kids go to bed and I am catching up on my television shows. I will ultimately open the bag and
just eat one! two, mostly all of the Twixes….
I just end up hoping there won’t be too many trick or treaters. By the time Halloween rolls around I have significantly depleted the candy supply, but cannot risk buying another bag, because I cannot be trusted.
And then there is always the candy that comes home after Halloween!
There’s no way I can stare at a bowl filled with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Kit-Kats and not dabble. (I am helping the children to not get too fat and cavity-ridden!)
Ultimately, I deplete the shit out of that candy too….The kids catch on eventually. There’s usually that one morning when I have to tell them that I ate a lot of their candy.
As if this whole candy situation isn’t enough to make me feel bad about myself – there is the costume part of the holiday that can be really bad for morale as well.
You think when you have children that you will kind of be in charge of things like costume choices for them, but it rarely works out that way.
A pregnant woman recently told me that she already had a plan for Halloween for her unborn child.
“I’m going to be Dorothy, and the baby will be a lion and then I will have a fake Toto in a basket!” she said excitedly, “It will be so cute! I saw it on Pinterest!”
I just nodded in my head in agreement while thinking about just how clueless she was, and how devastated she will be when life with baby isn’t just how Pinterest portrays it to be.
Young mothers envisioning how fun and cute it will be to put their baby into some adorable costume will find themselves, swearing and sweating as they try to twist and turn their bundle of joy into a small uncomfortable
torture device straightjacket costume.
And even when you get the kid into said costume, if you think he’s going to just like sit on your couch happily like this……
When Sam was 3 years old, Mr. Gaga at some point played “Born in the USA” in his presence and he became obsessed with Bruce Springsteen. We had to play “Born in the USA” over and over again. We showed him live footage of “The Boss” and he would watch mesmerized.
Looking back it was a little creepy.
That year a friend was kind enough to give me a $50 Lightening McQueen costume for Sam. Not having to waste money on a costume for a 3-year-old was a major score and the costume was a beautiful nice quality piece from the Disney Store.
I showed Sam the costume and told him he would be Lightening McQueen for Halloween. Both boys were in a “Cars” phase anyways – so he agreed wholeheartedly. He seemed excited about the costume and whenever people asked him about his costume, he would happily tell them he was going to be “Lightening McQueen.”
Halloween night as we prepared to go out for trick or treating Sam had a melt down.
“I want to be the Boss!” he screeched.
After going back and forth for an hour and trying to contort his body into the plush car costume, I gave up.
“Your son, wants to be Bruce Springsteen for Halloween!” I screeched at Mr. Gaga, throwing the Disney costume in the garbage.
I frantically tried to scrape something together that would appease the classic-rock loving monster.
Finally I got him dressed and he was happy.
You won’t find this on Pinterest…..
And now that these boys are older they have very clear guidelines of what they will don for Halloween, and it almost always involves blood and gore. I actually scream at the top of my lungs when they put these costumes on and come near me. They are horrible and ugly and not cute or fun.
“I want to be a soul taker,” Michael announced at Party City last week pointing to the wall of costumes.
I mean we are a far cry away from Bruce Springsteen.
“Can’t you people use your imaginations like Daniel LaRusso?” I asked in the Party City aisle while they clutched their gory costumes.
“Mom – we are not going to be showers…” Michael said rolling his eyes with disgust.
“Um he kissed a girl in that shower just so you know,” I said indignantly. “How about the skeleton costumes that Johnny and his friends wore in Karate Kid?” I asked pointing to the skeleton costumes on the Party City wall.
“Mom you are obsessed with Karate Kid!” Sam said with disgust.
So needless to say, we went home with “Soul Taker” costumes and tubes of fake blood.
This is Halloween.
New mothers take note. It’s not all fucking babies in pea pods and all that Pinterest cracks it up to be.
I LOVE HALLOWEEN BUT AS KIDS GET OLDER IT GETS SCARY…..PLEASE VOTE FOR ME AS THE BEST MOTHER IN AMERICA ON THE BANNER BELOW….