What Your Kids Will Watch Once Sesame Street is Off the Air

There is some concern that Public Broadcasting might go by the wayside.  Like most upstanding educated people in America – all I really know that is on public broadcasting is Sesame Street.

I really took Sesame Street for granted.  It’s been on since I was a child and 20 years later – my own children enjoyed it.  My children learned the alphabet learned how to count, learned Spanish, learned what sounds animals make….  were able to enjoy Elmo and practice all the ABC’s and numbers that I already taught them.

It was all so safe and fuzzy and warm.

Even though it might be sad if Sesame Street goes away – we have to look at the bright side!!  Something else that will disappear is a dreaded program that I absolutely hate more than any other…..

Caillou:

I have gone over this a million times – but for the love of Jesus – nobody cares.  He has continuously been on the television airwaves, torturing parents – and teaching children how to be bald brats.

I, like many parents, despise this child and his weird “turtleneck-wearing” parents.  They are horrific people who allow their son to have regular temper tantrums and talk in strange sing-song voice tones in response to his bad behaviors.

Do these people own mirrors?? If they are going to wear seasonaly inappropriate turtlenecks and not push up their headbands properly - can they at least match their clothes???
Do these people own mirrors?? If they are going to wear seasonally inappropriate turtlenecks and not push up their headbands properly – can they at least match their clothes???

This show is a living nightmare, so let’s see the final demise of the program as a silver lining.

Now….what will you find your children watching as they grow older and are left without the safe, learning environment that is available on PBS???

The first – most obvious choice is Spongebob.  At first I was nervous because I had heard that Spongebob was inappropriate for young children.  After closer examination I found that Spongebob wasn’t as bad the public would have you think – so I allowed it.

Unless he's calling everyone motherfuckers or fucking twats then he's totally a better role model than I am for children....
Unless he’s calling everyone motherfuckers regularly – then he’s totally a better role model than I am for children….

Spongebob is not a problem.  As parents – you will find that there is a lot worse programming out there that will make Spongebob seem as benign as Oscar the Grouch.

As life marched on, my children have aged to the ripe ages of 9 and 11 and I am tired and busy.  There’s homework and sports and skiing and work and science fair projects….

If they have some down time at all and I let them watch television – I can go in the other room and drink wine and read a magazine.  I don’t know what they are watching really anymore – and I don’t care.  All I know is – I can’t be in the same room as them – or I will go insane.

Oh – how I miss Sesame Street and Spongebob.

Here are 4 “Kids” shows I have discovered to be distasteful and dangerous to kids:

We Bare Bears:

“What the hell show is this?” I asked Sam as I walked through the room one day as the title came up.

“We Bare Bears.” He answered.

“Like ‘We make bears be naked?’” I asked incredulously.

“Um – yeah I guess,” he answered watching the television.

“Well – are the bears naked?!!” I asked – suddenly upset with a show that sounded very suspect.

“Yes MOM! Most bears are naked!!” Sam screeched annoyed by my interruption of his show.

“OK – No that’s not true!!! POOH bear at least has the decency to put on a half-shirt!” I screeched back as I left the room, now upset about bears I knew nothing about.

“It’s pretty bad – It’s just a show about nothing- with bears.” Mr. Gaga said as I entered the kitchen, “It’s like Seinfeld with bears…like one episode is all about the fact that one bear gets a jean jacket.”

I did some research and lo and behold he was right.

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via GIPHY

I mean….I don’t know about anyone else but – I think this sounds very bad.   A bear’s version of Seinfeld cannot be helpful in a child’s development.  No child’s brain cells will grow if they just watch naked bears doing nothing!! Where’s Elmo when I need him?

Bob’s Burgers:

“What are you watching?” I asked distractedly as I tried to write an article with the kid’s shows droning on in the background.  It seemed to be a cartoon about a family.

“It’s called Bob’s Burgers! It’s a show about a family that lives in a city and their father owns a burger restaurant.” Michael called from the other room.

That sounded pretty nice – I pictured a cartoon version of the diner in Happy Days or the Peach Pit from Beverly Hills 90210.

When I heard the boys in complete out of control hysterics I had to see what was happening.

“This episode is about when the family buys a food truck and the mom wears a trucker hat! It’s so funny!” Michael explained as I came into the room.

Bob's Burgers

 

“What the hell!!?” I screamed as I frantically pressed “off” on the remote.

The kids fell of the couch laughing.  The damage had been done.  I had thought they were watching a nice family cartoon and come to find out it is in fact a highly inappropriate show for adults.

“How many episodes of this have you watched?” I screamed.

“We are watching it On Demand – and we are on Season 5.” Michael answered proudly.

Fuck.

PJ Masks:

I learned about this show from my 3-year-old nephew.  It is an entire cartoon about certain types of individuals that I despise.

These three 6 year olds, leave their house at night IN THEIR PAJAMAS and put a mask on and magically transform into superheroes.

First of all – anyone who knows me knows how I feel about people who leave their homes in their sleeping clothes.  It’s disgusting, slovenly and lazy behavior.  This show sends a message to children that they can be cool and powerful when wearing pajamas as clothes.    In reality – anyone I know who wears pajamas instead of proper clothing – is a big fat loser, with no job or teeth.  I think the show is sending a dangerous message to children.

Nothing good will ever come from getting out of one’s bed and leaving the house in the clothes that they went to sleep in.

Henry Danger:

In this program, a 13-year-old, Henry, wandered away from his family and school to apply for a job at a place called “Junk and Stuff.” RED FLAG #1

He met a man who claimed to be the manager named “Captain Man.” RED FLAG #2

The man told Henry that he had a secret identity, of a superhero, and wanted Henry to be his “sidekick.” RED FLAG #3

Here’s the man, eating breakfast – waiting for Henry to decide to be his sidekick or not – this is some creepy stuff….

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via GIPHY

 

This man lured young Henry into his weird underground cave under the “Junk and Stuff” store and gave him bubble gum. RED FLAG #4

The gum chewing turns Henry into a superhero child.  A series of events occurs after the gum chewing that involve Henry sneaking out of his home at all hours of the day to fight crime in the streets with this strange Captain Man, unbeknownst to his parents and his siblings.

He sometimes pops into school and whenever he is home there is no sign of any parental involvement.

Clearly – there is a lot wrong with this story.  Basically there are a lot of bad messages here – and there are a lot of basic life lessons for children that are disregarded.  Including but not limited to; “Don’t talk to Strangers” “Don’t take candy from strangers.” “Don’t leave your house without telling your parents. ” “Don’t fight crime when you are only 13.” “Don’t go into underground man-caves with strange men.”

I am sure there are a lot more upsetting programs that our precious angels are or will be watching soon.

Have you ever loved Bert and Ernie so much in your life???

DON’T JUDGE ME BECAUSE I NEVER NOTICED WHILE MY SONS WATCHED 5 SEASONS OF “BOB’S BURGERS.” ….XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

 

 

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