So if you haven’t been paying attention to what everyone in America is mad about this week, let me get you up to speed.
Starbucks has in years past, blessed us during the holiday season with delightful gingerbread lattes in red paper cups with “seasonal” designs such as stars and snowflakes.
This year, in what many are claiming to be an effort to remain non-religious, the Starbucks “holiday cups” are just plain old red. Starbucks is claiming that they are “embracing simplicity” and as a result, Christians across the land are losing their shit.
One former pastor from Arizona, Johsua Feurerstein took to the almighty Facebook to announce that Starbucks had “declared war on Christmas.”
He said “Starbucks REMOVED CHRISTMAS from their cups because they hate Jesus!”
What followed was 8 million views and a viral thread of people claiming they would not spend their hard-earned money on coffee from a company that hates Jesus and Christmas.
I mean there’s just so much happening in the world, it’s hard to believe that this is an issue that people have time or energy to dedicate to. IT’S A PAPER CUP.
By the way – how about bring your own mug to put your beverage in
earth haters coffee-lovers.
It’s quite funny to me that this is what people are mad at Starbucks about.
Apparently everyone in America is accustomed to waiting an ungodly amount of time to place an order for their coffee. Nobody gets mad about that.
We all just accept the long line twisting through the store. We just stand patiently while people place coffee orders subbing and adding, chai, soy, whip, milk, sugar, iced and other various made-up requests.
Today someone in line in Goopville actually asked for a “dirty chai latte.”
I went over to him and slapped him across the face and said “Just shut the fuck up!!! There’s no such thing and you know it you fucking asshole. If you want something dirty on a Sunday morning then look at porn or order a martini in a bar like a normal person.”
I didn’t really say or do that. (It was an out-of-body experience that felt very real!)
Then after we wait 20 minutes to order our beverage – we just calmly get into another fucking line!!!! We wait like stupid assholes in the second line, hopefully eyeing every latte that comes across the counter. We don’t get mad about this either.
During the holidays the lines are the worst. People just cannot resist those lattes covered with whipped cream and sprinkles. It is during the holidays apparently, when people are reaching for their latte that they have waited a cool 30 minutes for, that they hear the cup speak to them.
The red cup with the snowflakes and doves has been saying to them for years, “Merry Christmas Madam, Starbucks loves Christmas and Jesus.”
And now that magical message is destroyed.
People frantic upon receiving a plain red cup – have been taking drastic measures. When the barista asks their name to write on their cup – they are saying their name is “Merry Christmas” so that the poor Starbucks worker will be forced to write Merry Christmas on their cup.
Do people need to be wished “Merry Christmas” this badly? Take your ten-dollar latte and go fuck yourselves!
And speaking of money – am I the only one who sees the irony in individuals who are otherwise willing to pay up to $5 for their Peppermint Mocha Latte, as long as it comes in a cup that is wishing them a happy holiday?
What a bunch of narcissistic cult bullshit. How about if you were such a “good Christian” you would skip just two of your fattening lattes and buy a $10 toy or game for a needy child this Christmas.
Jesus doesn’t care about your dumb fucking coffee cups you stupid morons.
Take your head out of your assholes and pay attention to what’s important in this world.
And if you would like something to be mad at this holiday season I am more than happy to point it out for you….
That we have all lied to our children’s faces and told them that this toy, manufactured in China, is a living thing. We lie to our sweet angels and tell them that this inanimate object is watching their bad behaviors and flying in the night to Santa to tell him that they are rude brats.
It’s not enough that we have doused these dolls in flour and made them act inappropriately with Barbies.
Now these money-hungry animals want us to purchase for our Elf on the Shelf to the tune of $19.95…… A FUCKING PET REINDEER.
Get mad at this people.
Fake elves that sit on shelves do not need pets.
Take your $19.95 and buy food for a food pantry or a toy for a child this holiday season.
And if you decide to splurge on that $6 Venti Skinny Sugar-Free Syrup, Extra Shot, Light, No Whip, nonfat, extra hot caramel brulee latte – just enjoy it…..and please know that no matter the decoration adorning your cup….
It will lie in a landfill for eons before it decomposes.
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