Every year – I review my top blog posts of the year just to give a recap of all that was important and funny to us each month….
I love doing this for two reasons – One is that I get to really take a look back at what resonated with my readers and two is that quite frankly I have amnesia – so it’s a nice way for me to remember what I did for twelve months…..
In January I learned that it’s best if I just don’t make resoultions to change. Instead I resolved not to resolve certain issues, including but not limited to littering, lying about my weight to the treadmill and being a bitch.
There’s certain things that won’t change. It’s best to embrace them as the new year dawns.
In February I learned that mothers in Goopville were knowingly sending their children to school with lice because they didn’t want to disrupt their busy lives by having their bug-ridden children stay home.
If only lice had gluten – maybe these bitches would be more afraid of them.
In March I learned that we have turned Easter into the new Christmas. I found myself running around buying Legos and candy as though Santa was coming. I also noticed a disturbing trend where people were forcing their children to sit on the laps of Easter bunnies across the land as though this huge mall bunny were Santa. The kids are not enjoying it – it needs to stop.
In April I learned that no matter what I do – it is extremely hard to keep children alive. After years of overbearing helicopter mothering, including spacing out their vaccinations because Jenny Mccarthy told me to…and threatening my children with fake stories to scare them into being safe…
I was helpless watching as my children swam in Georgia waters while a shark circled them. Thankfully they survived.
In May I learned that I am not as young as I used to be. I went to the city with my highschool friends and we kept noticing little unsettling clues that we were old.
We kept asking perfect strangers to guess our age – hoping that they would say “You are all 21!” but it never happened. Finally our cab driver gave us the cold hard truth.
In June I learned that children today will graduate elementary school with the same fanfare that someone might receive if they discovered a cure for cancer or won a Noble Prize. Despite the fact that the children simply did what they were supposed to do and learned to read and share and do basic math -we are expected to shower them with accolades.
When Michael graduated the 5th grade, he had to miss his “graduation ceremony” and parents and school staff were horrified.
I called the school to inquire about what exactly he would be missing.
“Well his name will be called and he will go onto the stage and he will get his yearbook and celebrate with his class,” a school administrator explained. “He’s graduating!! It’s a big deal! He’s graduating from elementary school!” the woman said with a horrified tone.
“Um…yeah, I know…but actually, my expectations were always that he would someday graduate from the fifth grade. I mean that’s why I like woke up everyday and packed a turkey sandwich and sent him to the bus stop, so I guess I am just not that surprised or excited about this turn of events,” I said jokingly(not jokingly.)
In July I learned that that I should expect a day off in the sun to be ruined. When I had my first beach day after 8 straight days of work and Michael stepped on a rusty wire and needed to go to the emergency room I was not happy about my beach day being ruined. It was not a red-letter day of parenting for me.
I may or may not have cried when my mother demanded I bring him for a tetanus shot.
In August I learned once and for all that the Berkshires are not my cup of tea. After going with 32 of my closest family members to Tanglewood – I peeled out and vowed to never return. I did a dance in the Long Island Sound so happy to be back where I belonged.
In September I learned that having a middle-schooler is like having a newborn. There are a million reasons why. One of the main reasons is that you go back to the days of no sleep.
When you have a baby you live your life without sleep. You walk around the world bleary-eyed with your hair in a ponytail, without makeup, feeling like shit – just trying to get through the day.
Your day starts as early as 5:00 AM because your child is an asshole that refuses to sleep late. 5:00 PM comes and you are in the home stretch and then you can put your child to bed by 8:00 PM and then the rest of the night is yours. But you don’t spend your nights out on the town or drinking wine because you know that sleep is like gold and you cannot afford to lose any. You are in pure survival mode.
All you care about is getting into your bed.
As the baby grows, he starts to sleep a little bit later, which means you start wearing makeup, and drinking wine at a girls’ night out seems manageable. Preschool starts and it starts at 9 AM and you find that it’s difficult to get there on time. After spending years waking up at 5 AM – you can now wake up at 7:30 like a civilized human and maybe even enjoy a few sips of coffee before your day begins.
When kindergarten begins, your day gets even better because you don’t have to even get into the car!! Your children go off on their own at 8 am to the bus stop. You can drink a whole cup of coffee and watch ten minutes of the Today Show! Or if you have to work – you have time to get ready without having to drive your child somewhere – disrupting the morning flow. In my case, I am lucky enough to start most of my work days around 10:30 – so I even got to go to the gym most mornings!
But all of a sudden, just when you are old and you have aged beyond your years, the alarm clock needs to be set for 6:30 AM!!!! Your child needs to be at school at 7:30 and he doesn’t get a bus!!
Nobody told me I wouldn’t sleep again until I was 55.
In December I learned that apparently when I park slightly askew at the grocery store, you will all crucify me! I posted about people being irrational and overly angry during the holidays and I mentioned that a man screamed at me and smashed his car door into my car because I parked on the line at the grocery store. Thank God so many of you stuck up for me on Facebook when so many were telling me that I was a horrible person and that they were no longer reading my blog because I am an “entitled parker.”
The irony was not lost on me that the title of the post was Everyone Calm the Eff Down and then everyone went completely ballistic.
I have had a great year – even though I know it is very uncool to say you enjoyed 2016. I thank you all for your continued reading and following of this blog!
Happy New Year! Here’s to a great 2017!!
XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA