Recently, I took my sons to a birthday party at a laser tag facility. We stood in the lobby of the place for a while, waiting until they would let the group of boys into the pitch black rooms and hallways.
The mother hosting the party came up to me and said – “Sorry for the wait – they said we can send the kids in – right after this group goes in,” she said pointing behind her. I peered over her shoulder to see a group of
small children , teenagers
“Um…I don’t want my kids in dark tunnels with those guys.” I told the mother. “They are clearly very troubled.”
We peered over at them and she agreed we would wait until the nerdy men were way ahead before letting the kids in.
I was floored.
I mean what kind of man would get out of work on a Tuesday afternoon and head over to the Laser Quest?
Do you think men in China are doing this shit? No! They are diligently working on conquering the world and curing cancer. They aren’t wearing a plastic vest and shooting their friend with a fucking laser beam. No wonder Americans are fat and stupid!! No wonder none of my single friends can find a mate! Is this what our world has come to?
Growing up, my father would barely take a minute to himself to watch television at 10 PM. There’s no way that any father or husband in the olden days would participate in such frivoulous and strange pasttimes.
It struck me that day – these men were engaging in a strange activity to escape from reality. Was life this bad for them?
Yesterday, I thought of this again – as I scrolled through my Facebook feed looking at everyone’s Halloween posts.
Many men were dressed up for Halloween to trick or treat with their children.
This seems to be the path of modern-day fatherhood.
However, I noticed a common theme.
Several men were pictured in full Darth Vader or Storm Trooper costumes with their small children. We all know that this dressing up is not for the sake of the children – as these men would have us think.
They are doing it – because for some unknown reason – they actually wish that they were Darth Vader.
When I was young my father would take me out trick or treating with my cousins and my uncles every year. We would all pile into my uncle’s station wagon and visit all of our aunts and our grandparents. One of my uncles set up a huge haunted maze in his backyard every year to scare all of the neighborhood children. This was a fun tradition and I always believed that my Dad and uncles enjoyed Halloween. However, despite their enthusiasm for the holiday, they never dressed up.
They certainly never put on a full fucking Darth Vader costume.
Why is it that men of this generation are obsessed with becoming fantasy characters that have laser beam weapons?
Have we put too much pressure on them? Are they headed for the mental institution? Do they feel safe and strong behind that black mask with a voice changer?
As this Star Wars movie approaches more and more Star Wars items appear….
There’s Star Wars outfits for nerds….
Speaking of babies born to nerds…this poor thing is doomed:
And for the women that are either married to these troubled Star Wars devotees – or perhaps they are troubled themselves – there is Star Wars makeup.
“There’s even Star Wars toothpaste!” I said with exasperation looking at this morning’s Sunday’s paper.
“I know! We should have it!” Mr. Gaga answered.
“No we shouldn’t! It’s Crest toothpaste with a Darth Vader wrapper!” I answered pointing to the flier.
I mean are people this dumb?
If you have hours to kill in the morning and want to be sure that your children are very happy and fulfilled -you can order pancake molds from the Pottery Barn Kids catalogue and make delightful breakfasts..
And if you want to be super over-indulgent and encourage your child to grow up to be a huge douche-canoe, just purchase a Star Wars bedroom from the Pottery Barn Kids people.
You can create a world around your little cherubs that will make them believe that they are living in the Star Wars galaxy at all times!
After they wake up and leave their Millenium Falcon bed surrounded by laser beams and finish eating their Star Wars vehicle pancakes, they can leave home with a full Chewbacca on their back so they don’t have to ever feel as though they are living on Earth.
In closing – I hope that after this next Star Wars movie comes out – we can all calm down and accept our fate as people that live on Earth.
It’s not bad really.
Even without light sabers and laser beams….I mean we have wine and DVR’s and other great inventions to keep us going….
May the force be with us.
PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK THIS WEEK!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA