Today I made the grave error in judgement of parking my vehicle a little bit outside of the lines at the grocery store.
Admittedly, I am a rushed and careless parker.
When I returned to my vehicle I was sitting in the driver’s seat returning an email on my phone when a
gentleman homicidal maniac person who was clearly a stickler for parking lines, returned to the vehicle next to mine.
He opened his car door (which could have been opened carefully and he could have gotten gingerly into his Honda Civic.) Instead he purposefully opened it has hard as humanly possible and smashed his door into my rearview mirror.
I looked up from my phone in horror and glared at him through my window.
“Did you just smash my car on purpose?” I screeched through the glass at him as he got into his driver’s seat.
We rolled down our windows simultaneously.
“You are parked over the line lady!” he snarled.
“So I made a mistake!!” I screamed. “So for punishment you smash both of our cars on purpose???”
“You are parked too close to my car!” he repeated like a moron.
“So you smashed 2 cars? There’s something very wrong with you.” I retorted with disgust.
He peeled out as he yelled “Blow it out your ass lady!”
So this is Christmas.
In the movies this is the “most wonderful time of the year.” In real life, people just go around crying and in a constant state of anger and anxiety.
As this monster pulled away, I thought to myself, “Ok – it’s two weeks before Christmas, I forgot this is when all of the insane lunatics go around torturing everyone.”
This all made me want to repost this post from last year – that is a gentle reminder for everyone to just calm down;) ENJOY!!
Why is it that we are all so panic-stricken?
Why don’t we seem to be able to know this is coming?
Apparently Jesus was born in the year 3 BC. (I know this because I googled it.) So why on earth do we pretend that we don’t know this is coming?
I met friends for drinks this weekend and we all sipped our cocktails while complaining about all of the holiday tasks we had not yet completed.
“I mean – I don’t know why I haven’t shopped yet,” my friend said sipping her wine wearily, “We have known the date of Christmas for a really long time.”
Yes we sure have.
We have known about this date for over 2000 years to be exact.
But yet we all run around like chickens with our heads cut off -pretending that we were caught off guard by the pending holiday.
“I can’t believe it’s Christmas this week!” we all exclaim regularly in mock confusion and horror.
I get a special bird’s eye view of everyone’s absurd Christmas week behavior because I have the distinctive privilage of working in RETAIL!
This week especially, human beings will flock to their malls and shopping centers in frenzied and exhausted states. Their disorganization, lack of funds, and disillusionment with the holiday season will all be visible in their body language and miserable face.
They will take out all of their troubles on those around them, and especially friendly store workers trying to help.
We are trained to be helpful and delightful while helping you to find what you need.
Forgive us for trying.
When we ask you if you need help – don’t snarl at us.
Don’t whip your head around at us and give us a nasty look just because you are a dumb twat that waited until the last minute.
“Hi can I help you find anything?”
Also when you finally know what it is that you would like to purchase – do not be surprised when the item you are looking for is sold out!
You consciously chose to wait this long to shop!
Now you are mad at me because the item has been purchased by 1000 people this month and now it’s gone?
Also – even though the tradition of the Christmas gift giving originated with the Wise men who brought gifts to the baby Jesus in the manger, I don’t know how to break it to you. You are NOT a wise man, and this is not an open market in Bethlehem.
So for example, when I tell you that the fragrance set you are eyeing is $110 -it’s really not up for negotiation.
When you say “Can you give a discount?” or “If I buy two is the second set cheaper?” this puts me in an uncomfortable situation.
For some reason that I will never know – when you are in a high end department store looking at luxury goods like here…
Even though you can smell Tom Ford and Jo Malone fragrance and you see skincare sets that cost thousands of dollars, you are touching cashmere Burberry scarves that cost $500 and hoisting $3000 Louis Vuitton bags onto your shoulders…..
For some reason that no retail worker will ever understand – you will become confused and instead of seeing luxury goods in front of you – you will be transported to an open flea market and think that you can negotiate a deal…
Wake up from your fantasy!!!
You are at fucking Nordstrom or Saks.
Why is it when you are clearly looking at a wall filled with $65 foundations and $30 lipsticks do you see this??
There’s no discount.
No you are not!
Nobody told you to spend your Christmas money on new boots for yourself.
I mean I have eyeballs. I can see the Stuart Weitzman box in your shopping bag – and now your asking for a discount for a gift set.
Should we all take a hit – because you cannot budget properly?
Should Blake Nordstrom or Mr. Target lose money because you had 364 days to save for Christmas and you blew it on Botox and shoes?
Also – your coupon won’t work.
It doesn’t matter what coupon you manage to find at the bottom of your bag or crinkled up in your wallet.
None of them will work.
No matter the store.
We know this.
Even I – a very knowledgeable retail worker, continues to go to Macy’s with a coupon. I repeatedly try to purchase items using the coupon like an idiot even though, time after time, I am told that the coupon doesn’t work on the item that I have chosen.
Think of the coupon as a motivational item meant to get into the store.
This is what will happen…..
You will go around Macy’s picking up items that you fancy. You will hold all those items while in line for 30 minutes, while simultaneously clutching your 20 percent off coupon. Your arms will be burning and you will fill like they might come out of the sockets. The straps of your purse will dig into your shoulders and you will be sweating. You will get to the counter. Everything will get rung up and your fucking coupon will not work on any of your items.
You will just buy everything anyways because your tired and old and your arms and legs are broken. That’s the way it goes. Happy holiday!!
Regardless of what happens to you while shopping.
Regardless of how disgruntled and poor and tired you are.
Please remember that none of this has anything to do with the poor soul who made a series of bad decisions and ended up working in retail.
Do you know how bad our life is?
We have to deal with all of you assholes on the reg….
Plus we have to live in a place that is filled with fattening food….Do you understand that our life is worse than yours….
If you cannot get your shit together and figure out how to behave appropriately while out shopping…
or something else that you haven’t done in a timely manner….
14 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA
PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK AS A GIFT TO ALL OF THE RETAIL WORKERS….AND ME;)