That time I Didn’t take my Own Advice – the Ski Edition

Well what can I say…

Even I, the all-knowing, advice-giving, Goopville shaming, mother of the year – can make mistakes.

I famously relayed a story to you all a while back – about a woman who did something scandalous in order to be sure that her precious little muffin had his skiis for the school “ski club.”

Skiing is pretty serious business around here.

So it is easy to understand how a very smart person like myself can get swept away with the ski obsession, and think it’s normal.

After the holidays, it is pretty much a given that at least half the people we know will be skiing on weekends.  They will not be available for any social functions, sports, birthdays, etc until at least March, and they don’t waiver or change their plans.

kim-kardashian-north-west-skiing-fashion
Sorry she can’t make the birthday party – she has a private lesson in the morning in Telluride….

I get it. I do the same thing with the beach in the summer.  I disappear and don’t see anyone because sun and surf is my priority.

However, just like everything else, these women will make you think that skiing is so very important and “so great for the kids.”  They will make you think you are doing your children a disservice by not obliging their inner desires to go shooting down an icy cliff all weekend.

They will do their obligatory selfies on the chair lift and post them on social media – trying to make people think that they are Peekaboo Street.  They will have top of the line ski clothing and boots and goggles.   It’s so ridiculous and over the top – that every winter I eat too much comfort food and feel guilty     I drink too much red wine and feel guilty  I feel   almost feel guilty for not taking my kids skiing!

This year – with my children expressing interest it suddenly seemed like a good idea.

Even though I explicitly told you with a well-thought out list of reasons why you should never ski, I got caught up in the world of white suburbia and before I knew it I was on a chair lift at Okemo Mountain in Vermont.

Why don't I listen to myself??
Why don’t I listen to myself??

Penniless and cold, I peered down at person after person being brought down the mountain by parimedics from the chair lift as I went up the mountain.  I looked down at all of the people skiing around the unconscious people that clearly met an untimely death on an icy mountain and thought “Why are we all doing this?”

Later when I realized that going to the bathroom meant walking down a flight of stairs in hard boots taht make me walk like I am the Terminator and then unbuttoning and unstrapping 30 layers of pants and underarmour, I again realized that I had been a fool to agree to this.

My children are growing up in Goopville…a town where, everybody who’s anybody has a ski house. Their schools offer ski clubs and when they expressed interest in joining, I felt like it was my duty as a white suburban mother to make their white suburban elitist dreams come true.

Before I knew it, I was shelling out hundreds thousands for coats, equipment, lessons, lifts, and finally a rented house for Christmas break.

With the house rental, came the fact that I then needed to purchase coats, equipment and lifts for myself and Mr. Gaga.  Lo and behold, we found ourselves in Vermont, which then meant spending more money on $6 french fries and $6 waffles every two seconds as well.

While I have to admit that my children are thoroughly enjoying their new activities of snowboarding and skiing – Mr. Gaga and I agreed that we are not ski people.  Going forward the children will be enjoying the mountain while he eat $6 french fries in the lodge.

I read my post from last year warning you all to avoid skiing at all costs – and I firmly stand by everything I told you.  If only I had listened to my own advice…I am reiterating these facts again.  Read carefully.

And before you start thinking this is all about sour grapes because I don’t have a ski house….and I had to waste all of my money doing weird shit on an icy cliff –

heatherchandlerjealous

I skiied my whole life, my parents were nice enough to buy me ski equipment and rent ski houses and introduce me to skiing at a young age.  In highschool, I was lucky enough to have several friends with homes in Vermont so spent many weekends skiing with friends, too.

I know all about skiing and what it entails.  I suppose I enjoyed it somewhat at some point…but I think I was a wreckless teen that didn’t worry about breaking my leg or being cold.  Now in my old age it just seems like a whole other thing to take on.

Don’t I do enough?

Even though I always said that I wouldn’t sign my kids up for millions of activities – they do tennis, baseball, basketball, indoor and outdoor soccer, drums, chorus, theater, and hip-hop.  Is it the end of the world if they don’t ski? No. It’s not.

Here are some reasons to avoid this activity at all costs:

#1 – IT’S FUCKING COLD.

I enjoy warmth.

 

Who finds this enjoyable? Who finds this even tolerable?  I know that with the proper clothing – you can keep your body somewhat warm, but then when you layer all those under armours and sweaters – you look really fat!!!

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I am old and cold!

And even with all of my extra body fat – it’s just not fun to be cold.  Is their anything better than being home on the couch in warm comfy pj’s and a blanket binge-watching a show in the comfort and warmth of your home?

No.

There’s not.

#2 I CAN THINK OF OTHER WAYS OF SPENDING 3 THOUSAND DOLLARS:

By the time you get all that rental shit, and get some sort of cute and warm outfit for yourself, your children and your spouse you have spent like a thousand dollars.

kimk skiing
I mean if I have to do something dreadful – I at least need a good outfit!

Now you need to buy lift tickets for $500 and also you need to either buy a house for millions or rent a house for thousands….either way – this is a very expensive sort of torture.

If I have $5000 to burn – doesn’t this:

beach

Seem more relaxing than this:

madonna-skiiing

#3 THE CHAIR LIFT COULD KILL YOU AT ANY MOMENT:

When I was young I was terrified that I would fall when dismounting from the chair lift…

The thing goes at warp speeds and you have to jump off at just the right moment.  It’s so stressful.

Often the area is slick and icy from people dismounting all day.

You could hop off the chair and get tangled up with other people that were on the chair with you or you can crash right into a group of people that got off before you…

You can get off really fast and go careening into the woods….

OMG-funny-ski-fall
As if this isn’t embarassing enough – now you have to akwardly figure out how to stand back up and calmly go back to the ski area….

One time my best friend was minding her own business on the bunny hill and someone dropped a ski from above her on the chair lift and it hit her in the head and practically knocked her out.

There’s endless ways this chair can torture your life.

#4 IF THE CHAIR LIFT DOESN’T KILL YOU THERE’S PLENTY OF OTHER WAYS TO DIE:

I’m sorry but I just don’t know why it’s fun to risk your life in freezing temperatures.  At any point during this “leisurely” trip down a FUCKING ICE MOUNTAIN, the little fiberglass things attached to your feet can start doing their own thing and you can find yourself shooting down a mountain uncontrollably.

You might even lose your skiis completely and go down the whole mountain on your stomach like Lane from Better off Dead…

I’m sorry if the prospect of ending up like Sonny Bono doesn’t sound fun to me.

I could break a hip!

I have perfectly good sneakers that can walk perfectly well on flat dry grounds….I’m fine with that.

#5 EVEN IF YOU’RE REALLY GOOD – YOU CAN STILL DIE

So the end result of anyone spending 10,000 hours doing a sport is that you will become really good and show the world that you are the best!

I hate to tell Goopville moms -but that’s none of you – just so we are clear.

But if you are super-duper at your skiing – you can do fun activities like go down a mountain filled with icy mounds of snow.

If you become a professional – then you can look forward to this…

bode-miller-says-sochis-dangerous-downhill-course-can-kill-you

FUN!

#5 I DON’T ENJOY WALKING AROUND LIKE IRON MAN:

After all of this masochistic sporting is over with -you get to take off your skiis and go back to some weird lodge and walk around in your ski boots.

Said boots are cumbersome and made out of hard plastics that cut into your ankle and make it impossible to walk normally.

If you enjoy walking into social settings like a robot made of iron, then “Apres-ski” is for you….

iron-man-walking-away-from-fire-explosion.gif

#6 SPEAKING OF APRES-SKI – I CAN DRINK JUST FINE AT HOME:

“Oh – even if you don’t love skiing – you can “apres-ski”!” my friends tell me excitedly.

“What’s that?”

“You can go to the lodge and have hot chocolate and wine!” they say passionately.

So let me get this straight – you’re idea of fun is spending $5000 so that you can narrowly avoid death all day in freezing temperatures in a Moncler jacket and then walk into a bar like a Transformer, and then drink a fucking Bailey’s and coffee?

Um no.

I can “apres-homework” or “apres-the kids go to bed” or “apres work” perfectly fine in my home in normal clothing without a strange fiberglass boot on my foot.

Thanks.

It sounds great.

I’m good.

DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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