Surviving the Stomach Bug as a Mother

This will be short and sweet.  I don’t have that much to say except…

I am living in a ticking time bomb in a cloud of Lysol.

Michael had the stomach bug a week ago. I lysoled, I opened the windows and I boiled every blanket, pillow and piece of clothing I could think of.

We all survived the week.

Sam came home Friday night and started throwing up.  Mr. Gaga as of now as thrown up 4 times since 3 o’clock.

I am the last Gaga standing.

There’s no parenting book that can prepare you for what it is to be a mother in a house full of vomiting humans.

Before you have kids you think that when your child is sick you will care for them and rub their back and give them ginger ale.  It’s not quite how it goes.

There’s a lot at stake.  There’s a lot to think about.

The minute that first dose of barf starts flying, my mind is racing while I rub my child’s back pretending to comfort him.

“What clients do I have this week?  What games will he miss? If he is sick today, then Sam will be sick on Tuesday or Wednesday – can I miss work?”

I am admittedly not a comforting nice mother to sick children.  I will sheepishly tell you that after 11 cold hard years of motherhood – when they are sick they want their father.

The minute they show a sign of weakness – I throw them in to a quarantined area and start spraying Lysol all around them. And I kind of comfort them from afar….just like they would do to me if I got sick…

there

When Michael lifted his head once to sip some Gatorade last week I swiftly sprayed Lysol on his pillow without him noticing.

“Mom – this pillow is wet!” he complained with little strength he had.

“Oh! It’s probably your sweat.” I answered pretending to be nice.

I can’t be too comforting! I am in survival mode! I am protecting myself the rest of my family!!

Here are some quick tips for new moms to be prepared when your child gets the stomach bug:

FLUIDS:

So once one child gets the barfer bug – you need to be prepared to not sleep or rest for the next 24 hours at least.  There needs to be fluids!! readily available or they will perish.  You will learn this the hard way once when they almost die under your watch and you rush them to the hospital for IV fluids.

In the olden days, our mothers had ginger ale and TAB readily available for their sick children.  Now in the world afraid of high fructose corn syrup, I have nothing to offer a dehydrated sick child.

You need to get into the car immediately and buy ginger ale, coke, Gatorade, and Pedialyte pops.

BLEACH AND BOIL EVERYTHING:

There’s nothing to prepare you for the vomit clean-up.  Small children, come to find out, do not have natural instincts about vomiting into some sort of appropriate receptacle.  They just cry and stare at you like deers in headlights and then just vomit on your shoes.  One time, Sam woke up and stood on the side of his bed calling me, and when I got to him he just turned and threw up on his wall and into the radiator.

The cleaning vomit out of the radiator vents…..yeah…that’s something nobody is mentally equipped for.

So, just surround your child with a bunch of baskets and hope for the best….But be prepared for ungodly vomit splatter clean-up.

GRAPE JUICE:

I don’t know if Welch’s just has a really good marketing director or if this really works, but supposedly if you have been exposed to the stomach bug and you drink Welch’s grape juice – you will not get sick.

This is my life...
This is my life…

Needless to say I am into Welch’s products for about $20. (Who knew grape juice was $6?) Yet, $20 is a small price to pay if it’s successful.

I did this last week for Michael and again today once exposed to Sam and Mr. Gaga- I will let you know if it works.

I did add red wine into the mix – for good measure:)

YOUR HUSBAND WILL GO DOWN:

If you are expecting teamwork with all of this – you should be mentally prepared for the worst. You will run around boiling clothes, lysoling people’s faces, buying grape juice and when you ask your husband for something you will find him bundled up in the corner vomiting…it’s great.

feel like shit

Now you have someone else to deal with and they will be worse than your child.  They cannot figure out how to survive when ill.  You will do your best to pretend to care to help them.  They will take you up on your meaningless offers of help and before you know it you will be a full-time nurse.

hold bowl

 

YOU HAVE LOST YOUR BED AND YOUR TOILET:

Once the husband goes down, you have no bed.  You cannot sleep next to that germ-ridden, sweaty barfer so you are on the couch.  If you have to wash your face or brush your teeth – you are heading into treacherous territory.  You need to Lysol and clean the communal bathroom where nobody has vomited and splash water on your face, use a new toothbrush and run for your life.

THEY WON’T GO TO SCHOOL – EVEN WHEN THEY ARE BETTER:

Sometimes they are genuinely queasy or weak after a couple of days of fever and vomit.  Sometimes I think they are just playing me.

school

 

Either way – I pray and push for them to go to school at any cost.

I simply don’t have time to take off tennis  the gym my hair appointment work!! It is my utmost goal to get these little germ-ridden children back into their institutions of education where they belong!!

Without fail -when I think a child has recovered, has no fever and is seemingly able to face the world – he will tell me that he can’t go to school.

“You can go!! You’re fine!” I will exclaim with desperation while I try to strap his backpack on over his robe.

“No -MOM!!” I feel weak and dizzy and I might throw up again.” they will say with their little bloodshot eyes and their pale skin.

I will size them up to see if they are lying.

More often than not – they are telling the truth.

oh fuck

This story does not have a happy ending.

It’s all hell.

I am the last man standing in my household right now.

Pray for me.

I ACTUALLY HAVE WORK AND TENNIS AND HAIR AND NAILS THIS WEEK!! I CANNOT MISS ANY OF IT!! PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK THIS WEEK TO HELP OTHER MOTHERS OF SICK CHILDREN!! XOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

One thought on “Surviving the Stomach Bug as a Mother

  1. You have hit the nail on the head, and you have all of my pity right now :( It happens exactly like this in my house. I feel so bad about your radiator…

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