As that last day of school approaches, there is a sense of relief. I have mentioned before how I loathe the making of the lunches and the school activity fatigue that I experience during the school year.
However, the fact remains, without the institutionalization of my children – I am left solely responsible for their entertainment for 3 months. This can be daunting.
When children are left to their own devices in modern day America – there is fighting, overusage of iPads and televisions, and constant exclamations of boredom.
Faced with annoying children, we often get frazzled and decide to take the children to places during the summer months that we think will fill our children with joy and exhaustion, in a constant effort to reach the finish line (bedtime.)
I am here to tell you – as a wise woman, a mother of a 10-year-old, some of these activities are best to skip. Many of them end up causing you more trouble than than they are worth….
Do not say you weren’t warned:
#1 – PAINT YOUR OWN POTTERY:
Whoever the “Demi Moore from Ghost” motherfucker was that invented this shit – is a genius. We start trooping into these facilities like a bunch of morons when we have babies.
We take our poor innocent angels out of their snug infant carrier and stick their little hand and bare feet into paint buckets and then contort their bodies so that we can make handprints and footprints on various pottery pieces.
We then present big trays filled with footprints to our parents, who promptly hide them in the back of their hutch – never to be seen again.
And who can blame them? What the fuck are they supposed to do with these “works of foot art?” Present pate’ at their next dinner party on this weird footprint tray?
And as the children age, you might be tempted to go back. It’s a fun activity for children to paint their own pottery!!
Well, if you enjoy spending $60 and coming home with a piece of shit, piggy bank splattered with paint, then this is the activity for you!
Said bank won’t even fit five dollars and will only serve as an eyesore for years, until you manage to throw it in the garbage one day when your child is at school.
Skip this activity.
#2 – THE AMUSEMENT PARK:
It seems harmless.
It’s called an AMUSEMENT park for god sakes!!
It’s not until you arrive, have shelled out $30 to park in China, stood in line for 40 minutes in the blazing sun to go on one ride, and then your kids tell you they are hot and tired and hungry, that you will realize that this was a huge mistake.
Because, I don’t learn, last week, we went to Six Flags.
We waited in line for 3 rides, which totaled about 2 hours. By then Sam and his friends kept complaining that they were dehydrated. I told them to shut up but they kept insisting that they were going to die, so I was forced to purchase them each a beverage.
First of all, there was the age-old American problem of the beverage selection.
Only sodas, slushies and powerade were available. No juice or water allowed.
Any idiot knows that when 4 children are about to drop dead of heat stroke, that Sierra Mist is not the proper hydration choice, but I was left with no options.
They each chose a more disgusting beverage than the next, root beer, Sprite and two Sunkist Orange sodas.
Please guess how much 4 beverages cost at the SIX FLAGS NEW ENGLAND THEME PARK.
So off we went with our refillable drinks of death. We were all hot and tired so we headed to the Rapids ride. This ride allows us to hop onto a large tube and
go for a luxurious boat ride
get splashed with filthy water and drenched with steam and mist and disgusting waterfalls of doom.
When I was waiting in line, I peered out at the waterway that we would be going into. It looked like a swamp.
As I stepped into our huge float, I asked the attendant if the water was chlorinated. Clearly, there would have to be millions of gallons of chlorine in the water for this ride to be legal.
The attendant stared at me blankly.
“The water!!” I said pointing out to the rapids, “Does it have chlorine in it?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know.”
The float had started to inch away towards the rapids, and I had to buckle up, chlorine or no chlorine.
I looked down next to me and saw a rusty filthy wet seatbelt in a pool of
swine flu zikia virus
Needless to say, this tale ended with me becoming drenched with water that could probably be best described as a mixture of bacteria and urine.
When one waterfall poured directly on my blowdried hair, and I screamed “FUCK!” Sam and all of his friends stared at me with horror.
The rest of the day continued in a haze of heat, sweat, bacteria and huge beverages.
We went home 8 pounds heavier, our mouths filled with cavities, and our stomachs churning from being tossed around on various rides.
We might want to reconsider the American definition of “AMUSEMENT.”
#3 – SLEEPAWAY CAMP:
Most of Goopville parents find this little summer tradition delightful. Parents ship their children away to various camps never to be seen again until right before school starts.
While, in theory, I like this idea, as it leaves us child-less, allowing us to enjoy our lives, I think it’s a bad idea.
These children will be gone before we know it! Michael will be going off to college in a mere seven years!! At that point, I will probably have more free time than I will know what to do with!!
Why are we sending these poor little children away? Hasn’t anyone ever seen the “Parent Trap?”
This little angel went off to “sleepaway camp” – found out her Dad was an asshole that didn’t pay child support, cut her hair, and ultimately ran away from home.
This is her today:
Is this what you people want?
Just drink everyday and wear earplugs….Enjoy your children!! Stop sending them to weird camps in the middle of nowhere.
It is completely shocking to me that people find this enjoyable.
Every summer, my husband goes off into the sunset with my healthy and viable children into the wilderness.
He risks their lives by residing in the woods in a nylon establishment that has no security or toilet.
I don’t go because clearly I am not meant to live in the wilderness. I would end up in tears, begging for mercy.
They claim to enjoy living amongst strangers
with no teeth that eat SPAM in the out of doors. Apparently they roast hot dogs on sticks like barbarians and s’mores become a major part of their diet.
I just want to point out that the animals of the world have not been our friends lately. This whole like hanging out with the animals isn’t really working out. Is it a good idea to just go to bed and lay your head down on a rock and wait for a bear or a gorilla to snap your neck?
Also, there’s a little problem called a ZIKA virus.
So if you enjoy barely staying alive, living off of burnt marshmellows and getting bit by mosquitos that could potentially murder you, then you should totally go camping.
#5 – TAKE A TRIP TO FLORIDA
This has not been a fun-filled paradise lately.
Sharks and alligators are everywhere.
Murderous mosquitos that could kill you are waiting for your sweaty flesh.
Temperatures are deadly in the summer peaking at hundreds of degrees.
Your cute outfits become drenched in sweat and your bronzer and contour drips off of your face leaving you looking like a drowned rat.
There’s no hope of being cool and breezy….
So guess where I am going tomorrow??
I can only dish out advice – I can’t necessarily take it.
PRAY FOR ME THAT I DON’T DIE FROM THE ZIKIA VIRUS. XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA