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Two years ago I was trying to figure out how to not spend all of November eating Halloween candy. Nothing much has changed around here…
Enjoy this story from November 2013.
Now that Halloween is the new Christmas, it is taking us awhile to switch gears to Thanksgiving.
When I was young, Halloween consisted of one Charlie Brown “special,” and a night of trick or treating with a pillowcase.
My kids went to Halloween parties, we hosted one, we went trick-or-treating in the center of town, they got candy at soccer practice, and from parties, and they wore their costumes so much that by Halloween they were completely trashed and they were sick of them.
Halloween morning they said they needed new costumes. At that point I laughed hysterically in their faces took out a staple gun and stapled both costumes onto their bodies like we were in an episode of Project Runway and sent them to school.
By Halloween night, we had several bowls filled with candy. We are fat disgusting people who have incorporated the Kit Kat into our daily diet. I have taken three lunch bags filled with candy to work and the kids (and I) have been eating candy everyday for ten days.
Tonight this is what we have left:
I wouldn’t really mind having it around but I personally can’t be trusted. Also I am knowingly neglectful about the kids dental hygiene – so I believe it is most likely problematic to allow them to eat candy everyday for months and months on end.
I know you are shocked to hear me say this about the dental hygiene so let me explain. When Michael was very young, around 2 years old, he decided he wanted to brush his teeth without my assistance.
He was a wild maniac since he was born – so if I could get through a day and make it all the way to teeth brushing time in the evening and not end up in the mental institution, I would consider myself a great mom.
If at this point in the day I had to wrestle him to the ground to brush his molars, most of the time I didn’t have it in me. I just let him do whatever he wanted with his toothbrush, dropkicked him into his bed and ran for my life downstairs into the peace and quiet.
The same routine followed for Sam. When they were little we would go to the dentist and they would tell the dental hygienist how they brushed their teeth “all by themselves” and I would smile and say in my fake good mom voice “and mommy helps too!!” The dentist would remind me how important it was for me to play a part in the teethbrushing time, and he would show me the proper way to brush their teeth and gums in circular motions.
I would say – “Oh yes – I will help them every night!” with a knowing smile. But it was a lie. I helped them each maybe once in their whole lives.
I mean what the fuck??
I am TIRED!!
Do I really have to do everything for these goddamn children??
My mother never brushed my teeth!! NEVER!!
Why would she?
She was busy downstairs watching Knots Landing or Dallas and she would say “Go upstairs and brush your teeth and go to bed.” and my brother and I would do that and guess how many cavities I have?
Isn’t it enough that the dentists have this stupid fucking chart that basically says if the kids drink anything besides water their whole mouth will burst into flames of plaque and gingivitis?!
Oh yeah – remember when the worst, most healthy, most disgusting snack your mother could ever give you would be Juicy Juice and raisins?
Yeah those are both on the “your teeth are going to burst into flames” side of the chart.
I’m sorry but these dentists are just taking things too far these days.
Now back to the teeth brushing…..
So now that the kids are older I have to remind them to do a good job of brushing, but I really don’t do that much either because I just don’t really care….
Even Mr. Gaga is more on top of the teeth situation than me – and I chalk it up to the fact that I have had perfect teeth so this fear of cavities is just not on my radar.
Last week we went to the dentist. Because the kids are now 6 and 8 I knew that we would be in deep trouble if anyone caught wind that they weren’t doing proper brushing.
I could totally lie forever and tell everyone that I was helping the kids do their brushing – but NO!! The dentist insists on using this pink plaque detecting system. They brush this pink stuff all over the kids’ teeth and it shows all the areas that the child missed with his toothbrush.
Before the appointment I warned the kids.
As I drove to the appointment, I peered at them in the rear-view mirror and explained that when we got to the dentist’s office they needed to do the best brushing of their life.
“I am telling you right now – we are all going to be in a lot of trouble if they put that pink stuff on your teeth and it shows that you missed spots. You guys are too old for that….Just brush every inch of those teeth.”
They seemed to understand.
When we got there – I watched them each intently as they brushed their teeth. They seemed to be doing a good job (but then again I don’t know what I am talking about.)
I sat back after they both rinsed and spit, waiting for the dental hygienists to put the pink stuff on their teeth. I felt confident that we would beat the system – nobody would know that I was a negligent mother.
“Um…Mrs. Gaga….” the first hygienist sent Michael over to me to show me his teeth.
Needless to say – I had to got through the whole thing of pretending to be shocked by the fact that neither child knows how to brush their teeth – and needless to say I still don’t help them brush and needless to say we eat milk duds and sour patch kids daily, so this is not going to end well for anyone.
I just need to get rid of this candy.
My mother had a great idea.
“Well I think it would be nice if the children donated their candy to the food pantry!” she exclaimed.
“Why not? Don’t you think poor people deserve to have candy too?” she asked indignantly.
“Um – ok yes they do – but they need nutritious good food – I don’t think the food pantry hands out Milky Ways. That’s a horrible idea.”
After I explained to her that the Snickers commercials were “false advertising” and that they really don’t supply any nutrients, she said “Fine do what you want.” Which led me back to eating Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups like it was my job.
So that’s where I am at. I found some recipes on Pinterest where we can incorporate candy into baked goods – but that really seems to be defeating the purpose.
It just doesn’t seem right to throw like 20 pounds of candy into the garbage…..
Tell me what you all do with all of this candy!!!!
THANKS I REALLY WANT TO HEAR SOME IDEAS PLEASE IN THE COMMENTS BELOW! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA