Poisoned Ivy

I was so happy last week to find that many of you felt the same pain I did as school began.  There’s nothing better than having a group of people coming together to complain.

Aside from the comfort of knowing that I wasn’t the only depressed mother that spent the week struggling to stop drinking and button my pants, I also benefitted from advice and tips from many of you, who suggested that my grown-ass children make their own goddamn lunch.

I think you might be on to something and I am going to give it a whirl this week.  My mother certainly never made me a lunch for me after the age of 5, and as a result I drink daily,   have an unhealthy relationship with food,  am fat…..  am a totally independent and happy woman.

Michael headed off to middle school this year.  As one of the last houses on the mile mark, that means that my child no longer receives public transportation.  For years I have dreaded the thought of him walking home from school.

Most parents in Goopville, whether there is a bus available or not, choose to drive their children to and from school daily.  I am assuming this is because we are a society of overprotective parents that don’t trust the world or our children, and would rather stop what we are doing twice a day to transport our children to safety.

I have to admit – it’s hard to not let your mind run away from you – when you imagine your little innocent 10-year-old riding his bike off into the sunset without you.

What if a gang of kids dressed up like skeletons kick him off his bike and beat him up and then he ends up coming home and throwing his bike into the garbage and saying “I hate this bike! I’m never riding this bike again!”


Or what if he is walking home and then has to walk over a train track and a train comes and he falls and his friend tries to make him get up but he’s scared and he doesn’t want to???



And as I am writing this – who arrives at my door and my children go running outside…but this guy..

What if he shows up on the walk home and is up to no good???  Will Michael make the right choice when lured by an M&M ice cream sandwich? I just can’t be sure…


There are a million things to worry about – but, Michael wanted to walk or ride his bike and was determined to do so, with or without friends.  Thankfully, his 7th grade cousin who has been driven to school by her parents for 8 solid years, agreed to join him in walking home.

I am happy to report that they walked home each day with such a sense of freedom and happiness, that I couldn’t imagine denying him this joy.

But of course..

With every small slice of heaven in Goopville comes…..Goopville.

Even though you had a great summer, drinking martinis, letting your kids roam free and pretending that you live in a world filled with normalcy and happiness…

School starts and inevitably you remember that no matter where you live or how happy you think your life is….you live in Goopville.

And with that…your child goes to middle school and is assigned to a team.  The teams are named after Ivy league schools.  Some kids are on Harvard or Yale, some kids are on University of Pennsylvania or Cornell.  The team name means nothing – it is only to assign them to a large group of children that perhaps all take Spanish or maybe all have gym on Tuesdays.

It is a means for your child to have an identity in his new environment.

In Goopville, this identity, is ground for complaints and trouble.

There were 2 huge problems with the team naming.

First off, a group of parents were horrified to learn that all of the teams had a college name that was part of the “Ivy League.”

“Why can’t there be a UCONN team?” some of them complained.

Lord forbid we set the bar too high for these little cherubs!!!  These fucking asshole parents don’t want there to be undue stress placed upon their child, by naming their team Yale.

Is this a joke?

Should we have a team named after the local community college as to not upset these children that in their down-time can be found sending nudes on snapchat or eating Doritos and playing Call of Duty??

Maybe we should have a GED team or a night-school because you got pregnant and couldn’t graduate with your class team.

Let’s set the bar really low…..so the kids don’t get upset.

Get a hold of yourselves you fucking losers.

Are you this stupid??


Oh…and then there was the other set of upset parents…

They were upset about which Ivy League their child had been placed on.

“Why is my kid on Cornell instead of Harvard?” they demanded.  “Cornell is a piece of shit Ivy League ….does this mean he’s stupid or something? I want him on Harvard.”

It doesn’t mean anything you stupid morons!!! IT MIGHT AS WELL BE CALLED GRYFFINDOR.

Can everyone just get a grip??? And not micromanage every SINGLE THING in their child’s lives??!



Some day….

For now, it’s just the start of yet another season of helicoptering….








Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *