One Week Until the Free Pass to Eat Cheese and Carbs

I fucking love carbs. I don’t know how these Crossfit Paleo-eating people live?!

For weeks I watched a commercial that haunted my dreams. I fast-forwarded when it came on. I tried to forget about it, but it haunted my life. So this morning, nursing a hangover, I scooped up my children and my niece and nephew and peeled out of my driveway to the most luxurious destination I could think of….a land filled with “endless pancakes.”

If you are telling me that you can watch an Ihop commercial advertising a stack of “All you can Eat Pancakes” and just act like that doesn’t matter, then I am sure we cannot be friends.

Needless to say, I am always trying to avoid the carbs. As an Italian woman that loves to cook and eat this is nearly impossible. For example, on Sundays we always have sauce with macaroni, meatballs and sausage. My Italian grandmother was surely rolling over in her grave as I boiled this to eat with my sauce, while my family enjoyed a proper pasta dinner.

I will do anything to eat pasta...even if it means eating "Banza."
There it is right next to the freshly fried cutlets…penne made from fucking chickpeas. I will do anything to eat pasta…even if it means eating “Banza.”

Life is sad when you want to enjoy food but you don’t want to weigh 200 pounds. If you are wondering how this pasta tasted, I can tell you it tasted like dogshit. Imagine hummus formed into a penne tube.

But, next Sunday I will eat whatever my heart desires. Because it is the American eating holiday known as “Superbowl Sunday.” Last year, I had the pleasure of having a Chinese exchange student in my home for the Superbowl. She spent about an hour taking pictures of the 6 foot grinder on the counter to send to her family.  She was shocked an horrified that we would actually purchase such a large sandwich and think nothing of it.

I don’t really give two shits about football or the Superbowl.  What I do care about is the green-light we get as Americans to eat large quantities of cheese and carbs and chips.

I don’t want to hear another thing about Donald Trump or the weather…I want to just watch men in helmets running around while I eat sandwiches and cheese.

Does that make me a bad American or a good one??

How great it will be to eat fried cheese, pretend to watch a bunch of morons jump on top of each other, and watch a bunch of dumb commercials that feature dogs and cats doing “funny” things.

We all feel for some reason that because there are people competing in a football game on our television sets that we should pour queso dip all over our bodies and eat sandwiches that are bigger than our vehicles.

Because there are men running around that have trained for many hours and are athletically gifted – I feel it is my duty to eat this…

It makes no sense - if you think about it....
It makes no sense – if you think about it….but how AMAZING does this sandwich look????

Because I am always watching out for obesity – I NEVER eat a sandwich.  But really is there anything greater??  A huge sandwich!! A “grinder” as we call them in Connecticut – is just one of the many gifts of the Superbowl.

Oh and by the way….

Don’t forget I live in NEW ENGLAND!!

People completely lose their shit around here for the Patriots and for Tom Brady.

Three years ago the Patriots were in the Superbowl and I was foolish enough to make a trip to the grocery store to pick up a few things.  On top of it being SUPERBOWL SUNDAY it is also the DAY BEFORE ANOTHER STORM, so needless to say the parking lot was a zoo.

When I finally found a spot I had to wait patiently for a woman to load up her SUV with her groceries.  It was taking her forever, so I took a closer look to see what she was trying to desperately to get into her trunk…

Oh I'll just wait here all day while you fill your entire car with Patriots balloons for no apparent reason....
Oh I’ll just wait here all day while you fill your entire car with Patriots balloons.

When I got into the store- people were running up and down the aisles in complete panic mode, frantically tossing Fritos and dip in their cart with their left hand and milk and bread with their right hand.

I escaped with the essentials….cheese, milk, bread.

I will make a variety of bad foods that have very high calorie counts and  cry at the Star Spangled Banner,  watch the commercials, watch the game with a small group of family members.

When I got back from the store I was so relieved to safely be in my home where nobody cares about the Patriots.  I will be sure to not make that mistake again – I will shop this time on WEDNESDAY!!

Although – going out into public places is extremely difficult around here – due to all of the highly disturbing fashion faux pas that are occurring.

Most notably – there is nothing worse than women who wear football attire.   Now what on earth possesses these women to wear clothing that is designed to be worn by a man on a football field?  Is it to support your boyfriend or husband? And if so, does he find you attractive wearing a man’s sports uniform?  Have you considered that you might want to be a man?

Or is it because you want us all to know that you like Tom Brady and you are pretending that you are Gisele by wearing his shirt…..

A shirt that was one of millions manufactured in China and is now sold at Marshalls, and is fact NOT his actual shirt.

Is it because you think it will bring luck to you and inadvertently the team?  Do you think that by you putting a jersey on and making yourself look like a huge “dude” then it will send magic powers to make your team win??

That’s just dumb.

Let’s ask this couple who watched the Patriots the last time they lost wearing matching jerseys…

New England Patriots fans watch Super Bowl XLVI in Boston, MA

The football jersey in general is being abused by all sorts of individuals.  The jersey, once a mere piece of a uniform, has become something that everyone feels free to don.  There are many problems with this.

First of all, you do realize that you are not part of the team…so are you pretending that you are on the team??

Or are you wearing it to let everyone around you know that you like the Patriots? Because we don’t care actually.

Also – Why is your pet wearing one??

I mean is this dog an asshole??
I mean is this dog an asshole??

Let’s hope all of this jersey-wearing pays off for these lunatics….

But back to the food.

Next Sunday I will be off of my diet. I will eat chips and cheese and sandwiches and wings and will drink beer and wine …..all in the name of America’s most popular sport.

It’s my duty.

As a fat American housewife.

I will be eating my weight in cheese next Sunday and routing for whoever is not the Patriots – I don’t even know who that is….

All I know is that it will be mindless and fun and carb-loading.

I can’t wait.


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