Once You are a Mother you will Never Have Enough of these 5 Things

I am a seasoned mother.  I have been at it for almost 11 years – so there are certain facts of life that I know for sure.  There are certain habits that have been created after years of wear and tear and the exhaustion of being a mother to two boys.

As I grocery shopped today. Side note – this was the fifth time this week – that’s called “mom grocery shopping” – gone are the days when you make a list for the week and go once.   I grabbed a couple of gallons of milk.  Sometimes, even after 11 years, I stop and think should I get one gallon or two? But I should always get 2.  I should actually get 3.  There will never ever be enough milk in my house.  Not until my children move out.  Then I will buy a small coconut milk creamer for my coffee and we will have a half-gallon for weeks. Until then, it’s a cold 5 gallons a week.

I am not quite sure where all the milk is going.  I know that my children continuously fill their cereal bowls with way too much that ends up down the drain.  Besides that – I just don’t know.

milk

 

When my children move out,  I will buy a small coconut milk creamer for my coffee and we will have a half-gallon for weeks. Until then, it’s a cold 6 gallons a week.

There are certain things that you will never have enough of once you’re a parent.  Milk is one – there are many others….

CHARGERS:

I really don’t know what goes on.  There are four people in this house.  There are 2 iPads and 2iPods and 4 iPhones.  There are at least 6 chargers.  But yet….there are no chargers.

There’s no explanation.

Sometimes they are in the car.  Sometimes we go on a trip and they are in a random backpack or carry-on bag.  Some are in the junk drawer.  I found one under my son’s bed yesterday.  Some are in the kid’s desks.  I think my husband leaves one or two at work and forgets to return them.

Whatever the case may be…all of our ipads and phones are on 5% and we all fight over one charger. EVERY DAY.

Last week things got so bad – I got nervous that nobody would be able to reach us so I plugged in an old phone from the basement.

old phone

GUM:

I always chew gum. I always throw a pack of gum in with with my groceries.  There can never be enough gum just for me.  Now that I live with 2 beasts that pop 2-3 gum pieces at a time like it’s nothing, my gum packets are empty in a day.  You know how you buy gum and then throw it in your car and then the next day you go to grab a piece? Yeah – the gum packet that you just bought is empty.  These gum-chewing animals have gum radar and house an entire pack in a day.  Now gum is my new milk. I need to buy 3 packs at a time.

SOCKS:

When the kids were little 6-8 pairs per child would suffice. Those days are over.  First of all now there are soccer socks, baseball socks, everyday socks and the ever-important Nike Elite $22 socks.  No matter how many socks have been purchased, my children will tell me daily that they have no socks.  There are 2 clear reasons why socks disappear.  One, is that my children treat socks like shoes.  They regularly run around outdoors with just socks on.  This results in immediate holes.  The second reason is because when my children remove their dirty socks, they throw them in mysterious inappropriate places.  Balled-up filthy sweaty socks can be found under beds, in the back seat of my car, in the back corners of their closets, in the basement and in the garage.   A mother cannot be expected to launder and match socks when this type of disregard for socks is rampant in their household.  I now just robotically throw socks in my cart any time I am in Marshalls or Target and it’s still never good enough.

Thank god it’s barefoot or flip-flop season.

CLOTHING:

There is a continous destruction of clothing here. My children run and slide and jump in the outdoors with no regard for their expensive designer clothing.  To put it more concisely – they are assholes.

mud

I actually lost my shit this week on my eldest child.  He arrived home from school with what looked like Doritos dust smeared all over his white Under Armour shirt.  To be clear, this child will only wear $25 UnderArmour or Nike shirts daily.  Gone are the days when you could go to Old Navy or Target and purchase $5 t-shirts.  I made him a blueberry banana smoothie because I am a good mother that cares about nutrition and wellness.  I looked over at him as he did his homework with blue smoothie all over his upper lip.  “Wipe your mouth!” I scolded him with disgust.  Before I had a second to grab a napkin I watched as though it was in slo-mo as he reached for the top of his white shirt and wiped his entire mouth with it.

I went insane.

“I am fucking done buying you clothes!! Do you want to act like a homeless animal? Then you will dress like one!!” I screeched as I ripped the soiled shirt off of his back and furiously sprayed it with “Spray n’ Wash.”

The shirt will be stained permanently.  Despite my screaming and threats, I will be back at Dick’s or Nordstrom buying more overpriced sportswear next week.

It’s a horrible never-ending cycle.  At least girls take care of their overpriced clothing.

WINE:

Where does it go? I buy a bottle that should last the week the weekend a few days…..I find that I have to repeatedly go to the liquor store to buy wine, vodka and whatever else wets my whistle.  I have the best of intentions.  But life gets in the way.  Before I know it…I drank a bottle of wine that was supposed to last the week.  Before I had children this was not a problem that I had.

wine

 

 

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED ABOUT THE EXCESSIVE PURCHASES – XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *