Four years ago – before thousands of you even knew who I was, I blogged about a very important topic that nobody talks about…
The major facts here are that before giving birth, periods were inconsequential events that didn’t deserve much mention, and after childbirth – they are events that can be likened only to a murder scene.
I sometimes can’t even leave the house on day 2 of my period because the maintenance and upkeep to be sure that my clothing and legs aren’t saturated with blood is a full-time job.
Last week – my friend Marsha called me with exciting news.
“Walgreens has a new tampon!” she said excitedly, “It’s not super, and not super plus – it’s more than that – it’s called ULTRA! I am going to buy you some and bring them over – they are a total “game changer.”
In my old life, before children, something that might excite me would be a new bronzer or a new Manolo Blahnik to pine for. Now in a very sad turn of events, the “ultra” tampon sounded like nothing short of heaven to me.
“2X the Absorbancy!!”
Nobody ever once warned me that after having children – that once a month my innards would drop outside of my body for four solid days. Not once did anyone mention that there would be times that you would look into the toilet and think “Did somebody stab my vagina while I was sleeping or am I having a miscarriage?”
No sorry folks, you haven’t been stabbed- you are not having a medical emergency -this is simply your new period.
Many people over the past 4 years have mentioned to me that I should blog about this topic and I now realize that my original “period piece”deserves a repost.
Here you go. Now don’t say “nobody told you.”
There are a lot of things that happened to my body since I got pregnant. Many of these “subtle” transformations I had been told might happen (permanently increased foot size, saggy boobs.) Other changes….. not so much, (permanently increased finger size??? and permanently increased period size???)
As I had to excuse myself at work this week, two times in the course of two hours – to change a tampon, I thought,
“This is so disgusting – people probably think I have diarrhea. How come nobody warns you about this?”
That was after the tampon machine ate my quarter that I had borrowed from someone!! (Oh – and try asking someone casually for a quarter by the way.)
“Oh…um…. a gumball from the um ….gumball machine…….”
Someone (my doctor, my mother, other people’s mothers, anyone?????) should really say “Oh just so you know – after you have kids – your period will pour out of you like the Niagara Falls!!”
Well nobody told me – so the first time I woke up with my period after having my son – I looked at my husband and I thought someone had murdered him. It was pretty much like the scene from The Godfather when the guy wakes up with a horse head in his bed.
For those of you who have not gotten pregnant yet – right now when you get your period – it is not a big deal.
You can put a little Q-tip-size tampon in and still do fun activities like the girl below – with no worries!!!
Just in case you were wondering – I am here to tell you that upon giving birth, your boyfriend will no longer play airplane with you like the girl in this advertisement….
Number one – he will never be able to lift you with just his legs again.
Number two – If he stuck both of his feet on your abdomen like that when you were menstruating you would both be drenched in blood.
I too, used to use a “slender” tampon for “light days.”
After childbirth you will never have a “light day” again (literally and figuratively of course.)
The flow is not the only supersized aspect of the equation, by the way. Every symptom seems to get worse with age. The few days before my period – I used to get mild cravings and a little bitchy.
Let’s just say I am now known to eat everything in the entire house and be a little teensy bit more irritable and psychotic. Let’s also say that my stomach can now bloat to the size it was when a human being was living in it.
And of course all of these leaking tampons of course leads to a drawer filled with destroyed underwear.
One time my husband and I went to see a comedian and he said after he first got married he went to the bathroom sink and saw something soaking in it.
He took it out and held it up – and called to his wife,
“Why are you soaking the pillowcase?”
She said, “I’m not – those are my period underwear.”
I laughed so hard I cried.
Then I thought about how I used to have tons of matching sets of bras and underwear that were gorgeous from Victoria’s Secret that were not stained from breast milk and periods.
Then I cried some more.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
Thank God that I am here to inform people of what horrors are to come upon giving birth…… XO Lady Goo Goo Gaga