New Year’s Resolving to not Resolve

There’s a lot of pressure in the first week of January.

We all are determined to change our ways.

We have to start diets, exercise plans and stop drinking, stop drinking everyday

only drink on the weekends.

This week as I was working very hard to not be a fat alchoholic, I found myself doing other little bad things and thinking “I should stop doing that……but I won’t.”

How much shit can a suburban woman give up at once?

Then I realized – I need to have a list of things that I resolve to never give up.

Here is some of my New Year’s resolutions to keep doing bad stuff…

I resolve to:

Keep lying to machinery…..

I have been dilgently going to the gym everyday this week.  I hopped on the elliptical machine on Monday and started punching my info into the computer. Per usual when the question  “How much do you weigh?” came up, I entered what I always enter……a lie.

"100 pounds"
“100 pounds”

I justify my false entry because what if someone is watching me while I enter in my weight?

Even though the people at the gym can see me huffing and puffing and can see my muffin top squeezing out of my yoga pants…do they really need hard core evidence of my weight?

Also – isn’t this machine bringing me enough torture? Does he have to be so rude to me first thing in the morning?

I have clearly put my best foot forward.  I woke up early to pack a bag, so I could get to the gym and shower and get to work on time….

Now I am here and some wise guy in an elliptical machine is like “Oh by the way – how fat are you exactly?”

noneofyourbusiness

 

I resolve to keep lying to machines about my age…

First of all it’s just plain rude to ask a woman her age.

Second of all, I just got finished with this horrible morning – I am trying to get some exercise this stupid asshole machine asked me how fat I was and now he is reminding me that I am old and weathered by asking my age!

Fuck you elliptical!!

drita

I have been lying to my friends and family about my age for years.  Some of my close friends and even my children are not quite sure how old I am…

So why the hell should I spill the beans to an elliptical machine?

ellip
“21 years old”

I will not tell these evil machines my age or my weight!!

I will not feel bad or guilty about this!

These machines are not my friends – and they do not deserve my honesty or friendship.

I resolve to continue to eat carbs…

I mean let’s be real.

I am Italian.

I see you skinny gluten free bitches….

I admire your willpower and ability to disregard the existence of pasta and bread…

I simply cannot live without carbs.   I am a good cook! I am able to create food in my home that most of you would only get from Mario Batali! Now I am expected to eat carrots and hummus for dinner?

Not going to happen.

I’d rather be fat.

And by the way, can all of you “gluten-free” “carb-free” people stop talking about it?  We don’t care.  We enjoy food and don’t need to feel guilty about it.

 

shutting-the-fuck-up-is-gluten-free-add-that-to-your-diet-b445f

I resolve to continue throwing banana peels out of my car window:

When “my friend” got in trouble for letting loose balloons into the sky – it was brought to my attention that aside from balloons – even banana peels are not acceptable items to leave on the streets or in the air.

“You’re still doing that?” Mr. Gaga asked with disgust when I told him of my New Year’s resolution to keep throwing banana peels out the window.

“Why not? It’s biodegradeable!” I demanded.

“Not on the I-95!” he exclaimed.

“A banana peel is biodegradeable on the streets or in the grass – it doesn’t matter!” I asserted.

 

This will be dust in like a week - what's the big deal?
This will be dust in like a week – what’s the big deal?

“Lady, the banana peel doesn’t belong on the street!” my book club yelled at me, when I confessed that I threw a banana peel out my car window every day on my from the gym to work.

“Well even if it doesn’t disintegrate – I am providing work for the road-side prisoners!” I said smartly.

“There’s no prisoners in Goopville!” they exclaimed.

After that lecture I kept the peels in my car for a few months.

Then my car was filled with banana peels.

Because when I get home from work I have to carry in groceries and my gym bag and my phone and all of the lipglosses I bought……

So I can’t bring in the banana peel!!

My life was a banana peel filled disaster!

I don’t care.

I’m doing it.

I resolve to keep being bitchy…

I mean I have gotten this far.

I have friends.  I have Mr. Gaga.

I have all of you loyal blog readers.

What else should I care about?

Should I care what anyone else thinks?

Many people don’t like me when they meet me – because they say that I am bitchy and mean….

So, yes, I have resting bitchy face.

And, yes,  I frequently offend people with my “offensive comments.”

And yes, sometimes I don’t care about your feelings…

I mean….

It’s too late now.

I’m a bitch. I can’t change now…..

And why would I care to?

chels bitch

I resolve to continue to forget if I unplugged my curling iron that will burn down the house and kill everyone….

I just don’t know what to do about this.  It’s a no-win situation and I have to let it go.

I use a flat iron and a curling iron regularly.

Thank Jesus for the days I use these weapons at the gym and don’t have to worry, but the other days are downright treacherous.

I make myself beautiful and flatten and curl my hair with expensive burning hot tools. I then rush out of the house frantically because I am always running late.  I get into my car and then I go to my destination.

Halfway through my trip, without fail I will think…

“Did I unplug my flat iron?”

I will get a pit in my stomach and consider whether I should turn around.

I usually won’t.

I then am ridden with anxiety and call my neighbor to ask if my house is burning down….

Sometimes I will turn around and go home to check- and then I will be late because of my neurotic and forgetful ways.

It will  always almost always be unplugged.

There’s no fix for this problem.  Even if I had this mat – I would still not be sure once I left…

curlingiron

 

 

I have to accept the fact that I will never really be sure if I unplugged these fire-inducing items.  I will continue to use them daily.

My hair will continue to look like shit.

My house might burn down at any moment.

That’s my life.

I have to accept it.

 

I resolve to let my mind turn to mush while I binge-watch various programs on Netflix

About a year ago a friend suggested that I lay off of the television programming.

She suggested I would get a lot done if I didn’t spend hours binge-watching Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Ray Donovan, Better call Saul, Real Housewives, Grey’s Anatomy, Fargo, The Jinx, Orange is the New Black, Keeping up with the Kardashians and Homeland.

Apparently that’s too many hours on the couch.

I cancelled my Netflix and tried to be smart and productive.

But then I kept seeing people talking about this guy….

makingmurderer

So I reupped my Netflix account.

I resolved to just watch a few episodes and go back to my productive life.

But that never happens….

In a few short days – nobody had clean clothes, there was no dinner and I was exhausted.

Big-Bang-Theory-I-need-help

I don’t care.

I entertain you people every week…

Don’t I deserve to be entertained??

THERE YOU HAVE IT! I AM BEING HONEST WITH MYSELF AND WITH YOU!! WHAT ARE YOU RESOLVING TO NOT RESOLVE THIS YEAR??? LEAVE ME SOME COMMENT LOVE AND SHARE ON FACEBOOK PLEASE!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

One thought on “New Year’s Resolving to not Resolve

  1. I’m going on vacation in less than a week and today I ate a Big Mac. Sigh.

    Your blog looks like just the help I need. :)

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