After wearing UGGS and my winter coat and gloves to my son’s baseball game last week, suffice it to say that I was ill-prepared for it to be 103 degrees this week. I was forced to hang up my coat and dig through my summer clothes to find something acceptable to wear. This week, when the weather turns suddenly and without notice, happens every year but we are never ready. It is the worst part of being in New England.
After being covered up safely in layers of winter clothing, you are suddenly in the position of having to shove your fat pasty body into summer clothing that is ill-fitting and unflattering. Your white puffy foot in a flip-flop looks hideous because you need a pedicure, and your arm flesh hangs out of a tank top in a very unpleasant manner.
In March, I knew this day was coming as it has for decades of my life. Yet I continued to drink wine and eat pasta and cheese. I mean in theory I should have switched over to no carbs, no sugar, no dairy, no drinking, so I could lose 30 pounds before the summer….
Even though I clearly waited until the last minute, I decided to join the Whole Life Challenge that began today in order to get into tip-top shape by the time July rolls around.
Yesterday I had a busy day of work. And even though my white jean capri pants had been snug on that hottest day of the week, I made a bad choice. I was starving and I had ten minutes to eat something in between driving to client’s homes. I figured I was going on a diet the next day – so I could basically eat whatever I wanted.
So I did what anyone in their right mind would do. I went to McDonald’s.
You know the place that sends a heavenly scent wafting out of its vents luring you in to eat the most delicious food in the world…..
Now I know you are rolling your eyes with disgust. I know that it is quite socially unacceptable to admit that I would go to such a place, but I don’t think we are being honest with ourselves or each other when we poo-poo McDonald’s. In the early days of friendship with one of my best friends, she felt the need to say to me, “I have a confession to make.” I thought she was going to say she was having an affair or that she was mad at me about something. I braced myself.
“I love McDonald’s and I eat there like once a week.” she said bluntly, waiting for my reaction.
I knew then that we would be friends forever.
I am so tired of all of this sanctimonious bullshit. I love a McDonald’s cheeseburger way more than salmon or pad thai and so do you.
We have been trained to keep our love for fast food a secret, as it has become a sign of bad parenting.
“Good” parents will talk about going to the Whole Foods Market and buying organic prepared foods, and act as though feeding a child McDonald’s is equivalent to murder. Even though, we all know that as we drive around like lunatics from game to game to concert, that fast food is sometimes the easiest, most economical and most delicious choice.
I was recently out-of-town in a workplace where the people don’t feel this type of pressure about what they are eating. They just eat fast food regularly and enjoy their life. I mentioned how in Goopville, this type of reckless eating would be considered insane.
“Why?” a millennial answered with disgust.
“I don’t know – I think it’s bad for you and makes you fat and probably could kill you?” I said slowly, as though I was talking to someone who had just landed on Earth from Mars.
In turn, he stared at me like I was the dumbest person he had ever met.
“If I die, it’s because I have cancer or I like drive my car off of a cliff or something…I am not going to get murdered by McDonald’s.” he said chuckling at my stupidity.
I actually had no witty retort to that.
He was kind of right. I mean – as long as it’s not every day…..
We all have enjoyed McDonalds at one point or another, maybe in a desperate emergency situation as I found myself in yesterday, or maybe every Sunday as a child with your grandparents, or on a roadtrip. No matter the occasion, McDonald’s has always been – since the beginning of time, absolutely fucking delicious.
Anyone who says it’s not is lying to themselves and to you.
Yeah, I get it. We are supposed to eat organic kale and ghee and avocados all day – and I totally know intellectually that these are the best choices. Yet once in a while, a cheeseburger and fries from McDonald’s happens and it’s quite amazing. On the occasions when I do this, I am stuck with garbage in my car that needs to be disposed of. There are a few issues with the garbage. First of all, my kids cannot see it the next time they get in my car, because they will be jealous. Secondly, Mr. Gaga can’t see it because I try to eat healthy for the most part, and complain that I am fat regularly, so if he got into my vehicle and saw McDonald’s garbage – he would think I was some weird secret fast-food eater. Thirdly, I can’t let any adult woman get into my car for any reason and see this garbage because it would be social suicide. I could say the garbage was from my kids, but that wouldn’t help me, because she would be horrified that I let my children eat the poison that McDonald’s serves. So I could admit it was me that ate the McDonald’s but then she would stare at me inquisitively to see if I was kidding, and then when she realized I was serious, she would think I was mentally ill. Because NOBODY in Goopville, CT would ever do such a thing – much less admit it.
Honestly, I take great strides to keep this whole thing a secret. I find a McDonald’s where I don’t think anyone will see me. I go through the drive-thru with dark sunglasses on and I duck low in my seat, so nobody will see me.
So what I usually do is make a strategic plan before I go home to find a garbage can that I can throw out the evidence. A gas station or the garbage can at the mall works nicely, as long as nobody I know is around. Last week, in a pinch I had to bring food to Mr. Gaga at a baseball field, and McDonald’s was the quickest option. I ravaged through my car to put the scandalous food items into something for a disguise. An Ulta Beauty bag seemed good.
I tossed it to him in front of 20 families, “Pretend there’s Clinique Aftershave or sunscreen in here.” I whispered.
If we could all just be honest with ourselves about McDonald’s and stop judging – I wouldn’t have to resort to such measures of deceit. And if you actually are banning McDonald’s from your diet, you are missing out.
I dare you to find one thing. One thing!! In the entire Whole Foods Market that tastes as delicious as a McDonald’s french fry.
You will not be able to do it. Do not even think of suggesting some weird sweet potato bullshit baked fry, and do not suggest making your own fries with organic potatoes and coconut oil. None of that will even come close.
Did you ever eat McDonald’s fries and say “This tastes like shit!”
No, you have not. Nobody on the planet Earth has ever said that after eating a fry. They actually don’t say anything because they are too busy eating every crumb from the fries container and then digging at the bottom of the bag for that random loose fry that fell in the bag. How happy are you when you find a loose fry that is in the bottom of the bag?
You thought you ate all the fries but there’s one or two surprise ones. Is there any greater joy? If you are reading this pretending you don’t know about the joy one feels when they find an extra surprise fry then you are an asshole.
Going forward let’s all come clean. Maybe your vice is different; it can be Burger King or Taco Bell, whatever it is…let’s come clean.
Let’s enjoy your lives and welcome Memorial Day weekend with our true summer bodies while we enjoy delicious foods.
XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA