I’m Back! WHAT I LEARNED IN 2017

I took the second half of 2017 off from blogging. I used that time to work on a book and work on writing for various publications including PopSugar Beauty and Martha Stewart Weddings. Shockingly, after years of painting a very unflattering picture of motherhood, often using foul language, I felt pretty confident that I wouldn’t be getting any hate mail from writing about makeup. Boy, was I wrong. I write about makeup with the same voice that I write about motherhood, and apparently this is not always met with approval.

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The last article I wrote for Popsugar went viral and people were so upset, some of them sent me death threats.   I am sure you are wondering what the topic of this makeup article could have been that millions of people read and shared it and hundreds commented on what a horrible person I was. You can read that here, and be sure to scroll down and click “join the conversation” for the very entertaining comments.

I also had the amazing experience of doing makeup for the Real Housewives of New Jersey!! See picture of me and Teresa Guidice here;) 

Also….I, the woman who has dedicated her life to making fun of Goopville and all that it represents, the woman who has mocked mothers who have helicoptered and sports mothered their way through the world, I, Lady Goo Goo Gaga……started a town-wide squash league.

For those of you who don’t understand the immediate absurdity of this, let me break it down for you. Squash is a sport played by upper-crust white people in suburban country clubs in places like Greenwich, Connecticut. As luck would have it, I have a child who had a friend who played, and requested that he be allowed to play. Long story short, this led to me teaming up with a few others who were dedicated to the very unfortunate cause of living in a town without a “squash club.”  I mean to say this goes against everything I stand for on this blog, is putting it mildly. But rest assured that I know that my children have no joined the ranks of people like Frasier who can confidently say they play squash.

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A lot of other parenting stuff has happened as well as my everyday life, and I have missed connecting with you every step of the way! So I am back to blogging. It might not be every Sunday, but I will shoot for most, and I also will be asking for you to send me your parenting questions and stories.

2017 was an interesting year for America.  Trump became president and we found out that basically, every man in Hollywood was a sexual predator.  However, no matter what happens in this world, we can always rest assured that motherhood in this country will supply endless topics to laugh about.  This year like the 7 years before it, I like to review my top blog posts of the year just to give a recap of all that was important and funny to us each month….

I love doing this for two reasons – One is that I get to really take a look back at what resonated with my readers and two is that quite frankly I have amnesia – so it’s a nice way for me to remember what I did for twelve months…..

Also, this is a unique year because I took a break from blogging! During that time a lot happened!  Here’s a recap of my year as the funniest mother in America.

In January I had to learn the hard way that skiing is not for me.  Like a moron, I took the kids and Mr. Gaga on a ski getaway and realized with fresh horror that this activity is basically a way to be cold, narrowly avoid death, and spend all of your money, all while wearing unattractive puffy clothing and boots that make you walk like Iron Man.

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I am happy to report that I cancelled a ski weekend planned for this past weekend due to the extreme cold, and I was feeling guilty!! Now that I reviewed my post about how horrible skiing is – I feel much better!

In February, on Valentine’s Day I reflected on my love life, and realized that the old days of romance might be the same when you are old and fat and have children, there is still love alive and well in the Gaga household. When Mr. Gaga made me heart pancakes for breakfast and pasta for dinner, it meant the world to me, because let’s face it, carbs speak volumes.

So basically carbs with a side of carbs...
So basically carbs with a side of carbs…

In March, I went back to Disney World and learned that things had changed since the last time I went in 2013! Just like the ski trip – I had voiced my opinions on this magical land several times over the years of writing this blog. Mainly, I was astonished by the amount of humongous people that are there driving motorized carts and drinking humungous beverages filled with high fructose corn syrup. 

When I looked a little closer I realized nobody even had a band-aid on, let alone anything that indicated a real injury!!
When I looked a little closer I realized nobody even had a band-aid on, let alone anything that indicated a real injury!!

However, this time around, the whole place was filled with skinny and attractive people! I couldn’t believe it! America had come around and realized that drinking sodas the size of a swimming pool were a bad idea! I was elated. Then I realized that I was there during a week when women across the globe hit Disney for a marathon, which they run with princess attire on. This was somehow just as disturbing to me as the motorized carts, but we had a blast anyway.

In April I learned that as the kids get older they stop crying as much as they used to during baseball season. Countless speeches from Mr. Gaga and myself about what will happen to them if they shed one fucking tear on the baseball field have helped. However, a new problem has risen as the older they get, the more intense the baseball league becomes. We used to have to worry about the kid’s being poor sports, behaving badly, acting irrationally and not understanding that playing baseball is all about having fun. Now, we have to worry about all of those issues as it relates to grown-ass men who are the “coaches” that are dads that have chosen to live vicariously through their 10-year-old sons. These men are the worst, most infuriating people to be around, yet another curveball thrown at me as a mother of sons.  They are a bunch of losers that now think they have a second chance to be cool by being amazing coaches.  Baseball in Goopville starts next month. Lord help me.

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In May I decided that I would tell the world a dirty little secret. I love McDonald’s. I don’t eat it often nor do I allow my children to eat it often, as I understand that it is very poisonous and bad. However, when I found myself hiding a McDonald’s burger in an Ulta Beauty bag so that nobody in Goopville would know that I had been to McDonald’s I realized that I had to make an announcement.

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McDonald’s is delicious. I know that. Every child in the world knows that. You know that too. Stop pretending that it’s gross. It’s insulting.

I dare you to find one thing.  One thing!! In the entire Whole Foods Market that tastes as delicious as a McDonald’s french fry.

You will not be able to do it.  Do not even think of suggesting some weird sweet potato bullshit baked fry, and do not suggest making your own fries with organic potatoes and coconut oil. None of that will even come close.

Did you ever eat McDonald’s fries and say “This tastes like shit!”

No, you have not.   Nobody on the planet Earth has ever said that after eating a fry.  They actually don’t say anything because they are too busy eating every crumb from the fries container and then digging at the bottom of the bag for that random loose fry that fell in the bag.  How happy are you when you find a loose fry that is in the bottom of the bag?

You thought you ate all the fries but there’s one or two surprise ones.  Is there any greater joy?   If you are reading this pretending you don’t know about the joy one feels when they find an extra surprise fry then you are an asshole.

In June, I had a pivotal moment. I was overwhelmed from all of my new writing gigs, and needed a break from blogging. After 7 years of blogging every week on Sunday nights, I was tired and needed a minute.  I took this opportunity to reveal my identity! After years of hiding behind my secret identity, this was a cathartic moment for me, and very fun!

PHOTO CREDIT Bella Blue Photography
PHOTO CREDIT Bella Blue Photography

I realized immediately that I missed writing every week and hearing from all of you, but I took 6 months off to focus on other things.

I have had a great year – I hope that you are happy to hear from me and I hope that you will start tuning in on Monday mornings again. I thank you all for your continued reading and following of this blog!

Happy New Year! Here’s to a great 2018!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

8 thoughts on “I’m Back! WHAT I LEARNED IN 2017

  1. Wow!! Read the article on Pop Sugar and laughed…..then I saw the comments! Ouch!! Apparently, we moms have a better sense of humor (I’ve left the house after a highlighter fiasco – in which my 15 year old snidely told me I should take a hard pass on the highlighter in the future!) Now, the only highlighter this Mom goes near is the one in the back to school supply list that my kids use. Welcome back – I’ve missed your blog! We are so much nicer here 😉

  2. I’m a squash Mom also! And recently participated in a Parents squash lesson series. I found myself begging for a defibrillator and having Arthur’s in my knees and low back pain plus 100 other ailments. I’m still going back once a week just so I can say I know the rules of the game and perhaps prevent Dementia.

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