I’ll stop crying if fat people and Jada Pinkett Smith do too…

This week I cried.

This only happens once every 6 months – tops!

I think I have been so focused on keeping to all of my New Year’s “unresolutions,” and come to find out it’s quite difficult to work and be a good mother and not be fat, plus all of the other stuff I am working on….

Thursday morning I was very proud of myself, because I was super-organized, got the kids off to school.  Drank a shake, went to the gym, ate a banana on my way out of the gym parking lot, threw the peel into the street, as I promised myself I would!

I was heading home to get ready for work.  I pulled off the exit and stopped at a light. I am not sure why – but probably because in my heart and soul I am a fat person, I was daydreaming about cake.  I just happen to love cake, and think it’s one of the best inventions ever – so I may or may not think about it often…

chels cake.gif

I suddenly remembered that my friend Lori and I had wanted to buy a cute shirt from Nordstrom that had a quote about cake on it.  We had put it on hold and forgot to purchase it.

I mean how great is a shirt that says “Eat Cake for Breakfast?”

It was clearly an emergency, so while I waited for the light to turn green, I texted her a reminder that we needed to pick up the shirt soon before it was sold out.

So according to “authorities” the light turned green and I “didn’t go fast enough.” And allegedly, I “had my phone in my hand,” when a cop pulled up next to me.

So moments later, I got pulled over for “texting while at a light.”

Since I wasn’t technically “texting while driving” I thought maybe the officer would take mercy on me and just give me a warning.

I explained to him that I was a very good person that just loves shirts about cake with a very good driving record.  I also told him that my husband would murder me in cold blood if I got a ticket.  I closed out my argument with an explanation of how I had learned my lesson and that I believed in the safety of others and love policemen and traffic laws, while wearing sweaty gym clothes and silently wishing that I had makeup on my brow instead of sweat during this critical time…..

I felt positive that I would get off the hook as he went back to his car to feel bad for me and to write me a love note.

Instead it was a ticket for $300


I could not fucking believe my eyes.

I went home with a pit in my stomach, I was beyond devastated.

I called Mr. Gaga to tell on myself.

“How much is the ticket?” he demanded sternly.

“You don’t want to know…” I whimpered.

“Just how much is it?” he barked.

“Don’t yell at me! It’s three hundred dollars!” I said and burst into tears.

Then he felt bad for me and encouraged me to learn my lesson and put my phone away while driving……and then he said, “What was so important that couldn’t wait?”

Well I couldn’t tell him it was about a shirt about how much I love cake, so I mumbled tearfully about an important order I had to pick up at Nordstrom.

I hung up and cried hysterically while I attempted to apply makeup to my fat puffy face.

I was crying because I was a bad mother that texts while she drives, that loves cake, that is late for work and that has to plead guilty to a traffic violation and waste an entire day in court trying to convince a prosecutor that I am a good person that deserves mercy.

I was just tired and defeated.

But then, I had to talk myself out of it.  Who am I to waste my bi-annual crying on a traffic ticket?  As I tell my children regularly when they cry over something stupid – “There are people that have no arms or legs!”

I wiped my tears away and resolved to not feel bad for myself and stop my crying.

Things could be worse.

And speaking of crying over fucking bullshit – a little advice for 2 other cry babies this week…..


Racial issues or not – you realize you’re crying because of some stupid fucking trophy awarding you for pretending to be someone else? Are you for real?

And is if it’s not bad enough that you are making a huge fucking crybaby scene about a trophy ceremony – you have the nerve to bully Chris Rock?

Funny and awesome Chris Rock who is just minding his own business – working hard to make us all laugh??

I know you think you’re cool – because you let Will participate in your weird “open-marriage” – but Chris Rock knows a lot about women and marriage!!


The guy who has made children across the land laugh while they enjoy the Madagascar series?

You’re mad because the Fresh Prince of Bel Air didn’t get nominated for a trophy for a movie that nobody watched?  You sound like these twat-Goopville moms that want their kids to get trophies for participation…

Do you know that people have no arms or legs?  Do you know that there are people that work their whole lives to invent Ipads, cure cancer or help women escape from female genital mutilation that never once go on a red carpet or get some weird golden man trophy?

They aren’t crying.

Neither should you.

Here I am – telling Jada to shut the fuck up before I cut myself a piece of cake….


This week poor Mattel gave in to the stupid politically correct obese machine and unveiled “Porker Barbie.”

I as a self-proclaimed, fat, cake-loving mother would never encourage my children to want a fat doll.  I am a good parent, so I tell my children that cake is very bad and will make them have a heart attack, I give them an apple for dessert and wait till they go to bed until I eat all of the cake secretly.   I don’t want to encourage them to be fat cake-loving citizens that will end up with costly traffic violations muffin tops because of unhealthy choices.

Forgive me for being confused as to why we would want the children’s toys to be overweight.

Poor Barbie has been minding her own business – not eating and wearing heels and driving a corvette- doing all that she needs to do to land Ken and be hot.

Now because of fat stupid Americans, she has to take Lipitor for her high cholesterol and can’t fit in any of the Barbie clothing that parents across the country have purchased for decades.

So if you feel liking spending more money on Spanx for your child’s barbie – then this is the one for you….


Poor Barbie.

If anyone should be crying it should be her.

The nerve of me and Jada and the fats for crying…..

I won’t cry again for at least 6 months and then it will be for a very good reason!!!

In the meantime – we should all take a closer look at what we are upset about.








3 thoughts on “I’ll stop crying if fat people and Jada Pinkett Smith do too…

  1. The Chris Rock bit and Porker Barbie – too funny! Sorry about the ticket. Wow, $300?? I would have cried too. Did you ever get your awesome shirt?

  2. Love, love, love this. The ticket part sucks (although I did learn a few good tips on excuses when a cop pulls me over…will let you know if I have any better luck with them than you did).

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