If Siri was a person I would kill her.

I am getting a little tired of all of this technology.

I have been slowly but surely turning into that crazy old woman who can’t understand how to operate the television. I noticed this week especially when like 10 different times I got frustrated with my technological life.

It started on my day off. The sun was shining and I had plans to play tennis in the morning. After my lesson – I had planned to do a million errands.

I was heading to my car and my friend and I were chatting. She stopped at her car and she put her stuff in the passenger side and then shut the door. We heard a clicking noise and the power locks automatically locked all the doors.

“What just happened?!” she shrieked as she peered inside the window. I looked in too.

Oh my fucking God...
Oh my fucking God…

“Why did you do that? What happened?” I demanded of her, quickly calculating how much time would be lost in the day due to her carelessness.

“I must have hit that button on the door that locks the doors!” she said with exasperation – pointing to a little button on her door handle.

lexus-door-handle

“OH MY GOD! NO!!” I squealed.

“Why would anyone want that button?!! I could never have that button! It’s a recipe for disaster!” I said staring at the devil button in horror.

So it’s not enough that we have big huge car keys that automatically lock our vehicles?  The car people decided that we needed this weird button so that we don’t have to touch the little padlock symbol on our keys- that are in our hand as we exit our vehicle? That’s just stupid.

“Ok, let’s call Triple A” I sighed, as we headed into my car to call.

In the car I handed her my phone because hers was locked in the car.  She started googling and was making no headway.  After a few minutes I ripped the phone from her hands.

I pressed the button to activate “Siri” and said “CALL TRIPLE A”

She answered promptly – “Here’s what I found on the web for Triple Sec Recipes.”

“NO YOU BITCH! I SAID TRIPLE A!” I screamed at her.

My friend died laughing. “I call Siri a bitch too!!”

“UGH – She’s so stupid!” I screeched, before restating my request.

Inevitably, I keep using Siri – and inevitably all that happens is that I get in a screaming match with her and she doesn’t help me.

It’s a real time-waster.

siri2

 

 

Finally, after I called her a cunt and told her to fuck off – she gave me the number and we called for help.

It struck me then how spoiled we are from technology.  Although the technology from her dumb Audi was what caused our trouble in the first place – it was luxurious to have a cell phone to use to call for help.  And even Siri – although she’s an annoying know-it-all – is in fact helpful when all is said and done.

Why does Siri enrage me? Am I a spoiled technology brat? Or in fact, am I an old woman who is out of touch and mumbles my requests?

Am I afraid of my friend’s car door handle because it’s annoying or because deep down I know that my clumsy, rushed, arthritic fingers can press that button, which would in one swift move ruin my day and possibly my life?

And my phone can enrage me at any point in the day.

Someone might say they texted me and I never got the text.

I will respond with horror – “I didn’t get a text from you!” I will say indignantly grabbing my phone and furiously scrolling through all of my texts to confirm what I believe to be true.  Someone typed something to me into their phone and it went into outer space somewhere and then it was supposed to instantly bounce off of the moon and solar system and somehow make a “dinging noise” and alert me that someone had something very important to tell me! And it didn’t work!!! The nerve of my phone!!

I will respond with self-righteous disgust, while I show the person my phone – void of their important message. “SEE!! I NEVER GOT YOUR TEXT!!” This stupid fucking phone,” I’ll say as I toss it aside, “I am going to go to Apple and scream at them.”

The person will nod in agreement and shake their head with sympathy, because we can all understand what it’s like to have our phone not work properly at all times.

This is what we have become.

I am admittedly addicted to my phone.  I held off for many years.  I carried around an ancient flip-phone for a long time – because I knew myself.  Even though people made fun of me when they saw me talking on my 1990’s cell…

jena

I knew how much I enjoyed the World Wide Web.  I knew that if I heard a dinging noise I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from looking.

And the apps and the social media….

And the selfies….

I mean – the enjoyment one can get from a phone is really endless.

I even find myself in bed at night curling up with my phone instead of a book or just shutting my eyes…

kimkphone

I have not succumbed to the “Snap-Chatting” which also can indicate that I am an old woman…Yet, I can’t see spending time face-swapping or making my face really fatter than it is or turning myself into a dog…

I am too busy posting quotes on Instagram about how much I love pizza and cake. (click this link to follow me!!)  Also I am very busy posting pictures on Facebook that I crop and edit the shit out of  that I purposely post to make my life seem better than it is    to make it seem as though I am very involved with my children’s lives  to let people know that I am having a lot of fun without them.

Now I have a child that will be in middle school next year and he has been peppering me with requests for a phone daily.  He will be walking to middle school – which with my propensity to watch too many Oprah episodes and read the news too much, worries me.  I would like him to have a phone for safety purposes.  But then again, am I perpetuating this problem of creating a generation of monster children that cannot interact with humans and can only text and send emojis of poop piles and smiley faces?

I have a love/hate relationship with my phone.

My mother would tell you that I am addicted.  When she is talking to me and I am texting someone or googling a recipe, she will say “WELL I WILL WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE DONE WITH YOUR PHONE!” and I have to roll my eyes and put it away.  She doesn’t understand that I am doing important things with that device.  I am organizing the baseball dinner, I am confirming my hair appointment, I am answering a client request, I am replenishing my child’s hot lunch fund.  There’ s a lot happening.

But then last week when I posted about how my kids almost got eaten by a shark -people asked if I took pictures.  I replied with disgust – “NO ! I was trying to save their life!! OF COURSE I didn’t take a picture of the shark!”

In my head, I thought, “Why didn’t I take a picture? My phone was in my pocket! I am so stupid!”

And then there’s always the times when my phone actually rings.

I cannot tell you how annoyed and confused I become when there is an actual incoming call.

“Don’t answer it!!!” I will scream at the kids as they reach for the ringing beast.

I will run over and be sure to see that it’s someone who I can actually stand to speak to or someone who will be mad at me for not answering.

Anyone else is shunned with my swift press of the “Decline” button.

Why does anyone need to make a phone call anymore really??  We have email and texting.  I see no real reason why I should have to speak the English language aloud over the phone waves.

But then this lack of wanting to speak aloud to humans is creating a bad generation of people who cannot live without texting.  We sit alone in restaurants waiting for our friends and have to text furiously so that we don’t cry.  When we have to wait for our children to come out from CCD or soccer practice we are all staring at our phones to avoid eye contact and motherly bonding.

And Lord forbid that shit starts to die.

I look at my battery life a million times a day and as it starts to wane I can think of nothing else but getting a charge.

I will do anything I can to plug that shit in somewhere so that I can stay in constant contact with all of the people who annoy me, including Siri.  How can I live without a phone??

brain or shoes

And we all do this. Nobody let’s their phone battery just die.  You see that alert that you are under 20 percent and you lose your shit.  You are running to the Apple store and plugging in at their dock in the mall or asking the person at the McDonald’s Drive thru if he has a charger.

So when that friend doesn’t respond to your calls and texts….

And you see her and she says “Oh sorry – my phone was dead.”

You know that bitch is lying to your face.

Nobody let’s their phone go dead.  What kind of masochistic behavior is that??

My final test with technology came this weekend when I went to dinner with friends at a very expensive fine dining steak house.  I was so excited to spend millions of dollars on delicious filet mignon and cheesy delicious sides and French onion soup.  When we sat at our table the hostess placed an iPad at the center of the table in the middle of the four of us and walked away.

“What the fuck is this?” I asked my friends incredulously.

We all stared at the iPad as though it were a bomb.

The server came over to take our drink order and instructed us to peruse the iPad for drink listings and descriptions.

“But I just want you to talk to us and serve us,” I whined.

The young man stared at me as the young look at the elderly confused people.

“Well the Ipad has all of the information you need!” he said eagerly and slowly.

“So then what’s your job?” my snarky gay friend asked.

“I will bring whatever you order!” he answered cheerily.

We looked again at the iPad, pretending to be cooperative.

There was a million trillion words listed and fifty buttons to press and swipe.

ipad quote

“That’s way too much reading and work,” my snarky friend said peering at me over his reading glasses.

“Take this away from us,” I demanded shoving the iPad at him, “We just want you to talk to us and answer our questions.”

He obliged begrudgingly.

And again we were faced with the cold facts that we were too old-fashioned for this highfalutin technology.

I am sure that all of this is here to stay. It will probably become much worse in fact.  We will get to a point where we don’t speak to humans at all.

Yet, my job is to complain and bitch about shit – so that’s what I will do. Like an old woman.

Don’t even get me started on “the chip.”

THANKS FOR LISTENING TO ME COMPLAIN ABOUT MY PHONE AND IPADS – THESE ARE HIGH-END PROBLEMS – BUT STILL…..XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

 

 

 

 

One thought on “If Siri was a person I would kill her.

  1. Hilarious

    Somehow, my 11-year-old daughter made her Siri have a British accent. It’s soooooo much easier to hate her. She’s like a Bond villain.

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