If Only Lice Were Made of Gluten…maybe mothers would pay more attention.

Growing up I would look at all of the pictures in my grandparent’s house for hours.  There were many pictures of my father and his brothers at various points in their teens and early twenties in the 60’s and 70’s.

There was a common theme with all of these photos.

Bad hair.

How could my grandmother let her sons go walking around looking so bad?

How did my mother find my dad attractive enough to marry him?

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Here is my father and his brother attending a family wedding in the 1970’s…that is some big fucking hair.

I vowed as a young child that when I had children I would NOT let my sons’ hair look bad like my Grandmother had.

Fast forward -I move to the town of Goopville and give birth to two boys.

I work hard to keep their hair trimmed and manageable.  I do not subscribe to the looks that Gwen Stefani and Celine Dion find cute for their sons.

celine dion
Cut your kid’s fucking hair…..you narcissistic bitch.

I took my children for haircuts every 3-4 weeks until they started school.  At this point, it was the first time that I noticed more and more little boys that had the same hairstyle as Amy Winehouse.

Goopville moms are famous for allowing their children to have knotted disgusting hair. Little boys can be seen throughout town with unruly locks in their eyes, snarled hair that hasn’t been cut or combed for months….

You would expect that when you see these “bad-hair kids” with their mother, that their mother will look as slovenly and ungroomed as her child – but that’s never the case…

You will often see a child with thick hair covering his eyeballs, wearing mismatched clothing and eating a poptart at the bus stop and think, “So sad – this child has no mother.”

But then you will see the child’s mother hop out of a Range Rover in head-to-toe Lululemon with Prada sunglasses drinking a kale smoothie.

It is then that you realize – the child is not in fact homeless.  The mother is simply very busy preserving her image, and has little to no time to worry about her child’s appearance or hair.

This poor boy walks into school followed by his mother that looks like a supermodel in a Chanel tennis outfit.

When my children begged and pleaded for me to let them have longer hair styles, I was very opposed, but wanted to let them have some say in their appearance.


I had vowed to never let me sons look like lunatics…but yet celebs everywhere are making bad hair choices…

Knowing that I love Justin Beiber, the kids sited him as an example, when they were begging me to let them grow out their hair….

Justin Beiber Performs On NBC's "Today"
Damn it.

So I gave in.

I tried to be opened-minded as their hairs grew and grew..

For a couple of months I have been staring at these hideous heads of hair.  I have sent them back upstairs each morning that they try to go to school without product.

“You want to have all this hair – you need to comb it and add product….you can’t just walk around like a homeless child without a mother, like your friends.”

I created monsters.  Sam spends hours a day combing his hair and they fight in the morning over combs and hair product.


But I let them continue to have their hair independance.

After all of this patient and loving mothering – I have been rewarded by an unforeseen enemy/friend.

The “superlice.”

The lice bug has morphed into a super-powered, un-killable bug that penetrates into children’s scalps and cannot be destroyed.  This superpower now resides in Connecticut and more specifically in Goopville.

I remember as a child, people mentioning “lice” when sharing hats or hairbrushes.  It was a mysterious far away bug epidemic that happened to other people, certainly nobody I ever knew had it.

Now I find myself in a town filled with women who refuse to teach their children proper grooming habits and allow their sons and daughters to walk around with long knotted hair filled with bugs.

These mothers cannot be disrupted or disturbed to comb their child’s hair on a normal day,  so they sure as hell aren’t going to help them to get rid of lice properly or god forbid keep them home until the lice is taken care of.

So what happens is they pretend that their filthy child does not have lice.  They throw some little ineffective lice treatment from the drug store in their head and then send them to school and go to work, pretending that nothing has happened.  They deny knowing anything about it.  “My kid doesn’t have lice!!”

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Even if you see bugs jumping out of their kid’s head – and confront them – they will say “Oh no – they don’t have lice!” While they quickly jump back into their SUV and peel out on their way to a very important job helping the homeless at a shelter  their yoga class.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley leaves gym
If only lice had gluten maybe these bitches would pay more attention….                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Rosie Huntington-Whiteley returns to her car after leaving the gym  Credit: WENN.com



Sadly, because the Goopville school administrators have decided that they don’t send out a letter informing parents of this epidemic – then the superlice are able to spread rather quickly.  A warning letter cannot be sent – because nobody wants anyone else to know.  We have to keep up appearances!!!

While they are at their very important work cubicle or cross-fit relentless session, their child can be found doing horrible lice-sharing activities like rolling around on gym mats, trying on their friend’s headband, or taking a selfie with friends.

Let’s all rub our hair together while our mothers are at work or playing tennis pretending that we don’t have bug eggs in our scalps!!

Recently, a friend experienced this.  Her 11 year-old daughter and her best friend ended up with the superlice.  But that’s not where it ended.  My friend got it.  Her eldest daughter, an innocent 30 year old, got it because she was visiting from NYC with her baby.

The daughter had to go to the NYC lice clinic to the tune of $200.

My friend and her daughter went to the Goopville lice clinic (Hello – yes Goopville has a mother-effing lice clinic – RED FLAG) – to the tune of $480!!!!!

It didn’t end there.

After shelling out all that money to kill this bug – and keeping her daughter home for two days like a responsible citizen, she then had to throw out all 500 throw pillows that she owned and launder all 5 bedrooms worth of bedding.

Ok – she may or may not have too many throw pillows and bedrooms – but that’s besides the point!!!!

In between loads of laundry she had to stay up combing and delousing her hair and her child’s.

Apparently, laundering a hotel’s worth of sheets, comforters and pillows is ill-advised in an older home in Goopville.  Unbeknownst to her, the pipes leading out from the washing machine became overworked from all of the lice-filled bedding and backed up into her basement.  The basement became filled with hot water and mud, destroying everything that was stored in the basement.

She now has to spend the next few days unloading moldy and wet belongings into a rented dumpster.  The torture never ends.

Now….because of the poor and selfish choice of one twat Roopville mother – many lives and their belongings had been destroyed.

One little super-bug is annihilating Goopville as we know it.

I know that I will be doing my part – by promptly delivering my child to the barber tomorrow to get proper little boy buzz cuts.

Perhaps these Goopville mothers will take a look at what’s happening around them and do their part – so that we don’t all end up with our lives and precious locks obliterated.

Take a minute,  a day,  two days and $500 at the lice clinic and sort this shit out!!!

This has been a public service announcement.

I DON’T LIKE CHILDREN WITH HEAD BUGS HOME WITH ME EITHER – BUT BE RESPONSIBLE PEOPLE..FOR FUCK’S SAKE…..Please share on Facebook so we can all agree to address this lice epidemic properly – XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA





9 thoughts on “If Only Lice Were Made of Gluten…maybe mothers would pay more attention.

  1. Haha! We have so far escaped the lice epidemic! But, when my son was in 3rd grade, we got the dreaded letter that lice were in his school. The next day was the mother-son square dance, where the sons all got cowboy hats…and the square dance caller told them to throw their hats in the air. Yep, then there was mad dash as they all grabbed hats & put them back on their heads. I still can’t believe my son didn’t come home with lice that night! What werethey thinking??

  2. I can’t believe ” Goopville” nurses at school don’t notify parents when a child has lice!!!! Unacceptable! In my town, we douse our kids in Fairy Tales shampoo and pray!

  3. I found a small patch of lice on my daughter’s head the other morning when I was fixing her hair and totally freaked out. First thing I did was pick out the two bugs I saw and saturated her head with olive oil and Tea Tree oil and put a shower cap on her head. I got the kit and after combing out her hair with the olive oil and tea tree, I shampooed her hair with regular shampoo, dried it, shampooed it with the special shampoo and combed it out again. Nothing was left. I put more tea tree oil in her hair and did that everyday for a week and didn’t see one more sign of the bugs. As a preventative measure I’ve been putting the tea tree in a couple of days a week. The live can’t stand it and although my daughter hates the smell it is sooooo worth it! I frigging hate laundry!

  4. I cannot believe people spend that much money to get rid of lice! Even superlice need oxygen. Load their hair with mayonnaise, cover with a shower cap, and let them watch tv for a couple of hours. The lice will die and their hair will be soft and beautiful. Follow-up with tea tree oil or Fairy Tales products and you’ll be good to go. Also, buy yourself some super strong reading glasses for the dreaded lice checks. They are life-savers. The one time we had lice I completely freaked. But you know what? Everyone survived and my house has never been that clean since. Love your blog, thanks for the laughs!

  5. I am seriously so freaked out about the kids getting lice. I spray them with tea tree oil every day and pull their ponytails so tight. Last week the preschooler came home and said for gym they played “hug tag”. WTF. Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like. You have to hug the person to get the out and apparently keep hugging them until the teacher says something or someone taps you. I flipped out. My hairdresser says some moms don’t even care about sending their kids to school with lice. These are prob the same moms who are like, “Oh, little Johnny was throwing up all over the place last night but…he’s all good this morning.”

  6. My girls, who have very thick and long hair, had lice once, and it was a nightmare getting it out. I panic if the letter comes home about a kid in their class having it. We now use the he preventative spray. They hate the smell, but we call it the “smell of safety.”

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