Growing up I would look at all of the pictures in my grandparent’s house for hours. There were many pictures of my father and his brothers at various points in their teens and early twenties in the 60’s and 70’s.
There was a common theme with all of these photos.
How could my grandmother let her sons go walking around looking so bad?
How did my mother find my dad attractive enough to marry him?
I vowed as a young child that when I had children I would NOT let my sons’ hair look bad like my Grandmother had.
Fast forward -I move to the town of Goopville and give birth to two boys.
I work hard to keep their hair trimmed and manageable. I do not subscribe to the looks that Gwen Stefani and Celine Dion find cute for their sons.
I took my children for haircuts every 3-4 weeks until they started school. At this point, it was the first time that I noticed more and more little boys that had the same hairstyle as Amy Winehouse.
Goopville moms are famous for allowing their children to have knotted disgusting hair. Little boys can be seen throughout town with unruly locks in their eyes, snarled hair that hasn’t been cut or combed for months….
You would expect that when you see these “bad-hair kids” with their mother, that their mother will look as slovenly and ungroomed as her child – but that’s never the case…
You will often see a child with thick hair covering his eyeballs, wearing mismatched clothing and eating a poptart at the bus stop and think, “So sad – this child has no mother.”
But then you will see the child’s mother hop out of a Range Rover in head-to-toe Lululemon with Prada sunglasses drinking a kale smoothie.
It is then that you realize – the child is not in fact homeless. The mother is simply very busy preserving her image, and has little to no time to worry about her child’s appearance or hair.
When my children begged and pleaded for me to let them have longer hair styles, I was very opposed, but wanted to let them have some say in their appearance.
I had vowed to never let me sons look like lunatics…but yet celebs everywhere are making bad hair choices…
Knowing that I love Justin Beiber, the kids sited him as an example, when they were begging me to let them grow out their hair….
So I gave in.
I tried to be opened-minded as their hairs grew and grew..
For a couple of months I have been staring at these hideous heads of hair. I have sent them back upstairs each morning that they try to go to school without product.
“You want to have all this hair – you need to comb it and add product….you can’t just walk around like a homeless child without a mother, like your friends.”
I created monsters. Sam spends hours a day combing his hair and they fight in the morning over combs and hair product.
But I let them continue to have their hair independance.
After all of this patient and loving mothering – I have been rewarded by an unforeseen enemy/friend.
The lice bug has morphed into a super-powered, un-killable bug that penetrates into children’s scalps and cannot be destroyed. This superpower now resides in Connecticut and more specifically in Goopville.
I remember as a child, people mentioning “lice” when sharing hats or hairbrushes. It was a mysterious far away bug epidemic that happened to other people, certainly nobody I ever knew had it.
Now I find myself in a town filled with women who refuse to teach their children proper grooming habits and allow their sons and daughters to walk around with long knotted hair filled with bugs.
These mothers cannot be disrupted or disturbed to comb their child’s hair on a normal day, so they sure as hell aren’t going to help them to get rid of lice properly or god forbid keep them home until the lice is taken care of.
So what happens is they pretend that their filthy child does not have lice. They throw some little ineffective lice treatment from the drug store in their head and then send them to school and go to work, pretending that nothing has happened. They deny knowing anything about it. “My kid doesn’t have lice!!”
Even if you see bugs jumping out of their kid’s head – and confront them – they will say “Oh no – they don’t have lice!” While they quickly jump back into their SUV and peel out on their way to
a very important job helping the homeless at a shelter their yoga class.
Sadly, because the Goopville school administrators have decided that they don’t send out a letter informing parents of this epidemic – then the superlice are able to spread rather quickly. A warning letter cannot be sent – because nobody wants anyone else to know. We have to keep up appearances!!!
While they are at their very important work cubicle or cross-fit relentless session, their child can be found doing horrible lice-sharing activities like rolling around on gym mats, trying on their friend’s headband, or taking a selfie with friends.
Recently, a friend experienced this. Her 11 year-old daughter and her best friend ended up with the superlice. But that’s not where it ended. My friend got it. Her eldest daughter, an innocent 30 year old, got it because she was visiting from NYC with her baby.
The daughter had to go to the NYC lice clinic to the tune of $200.
My friend and her daughter went to the Goopville lice clinic (Hello – yes Goopville has a mother-effing lice clinic – RED FLAG) – to the tune of $480!!!!!
It didn’t end there.
After shelling out all that money to kill this bug – and keeping her daughter home for two days like a responsible citizen, she then had to throw out all 500 throw pillows that she owned and launder all 5 bedrooms worth of bedding.
In between loads of laundry she had to stay up combing and delousing her hair and her child’s.
Apparently, laundering a hotel’s worth of sheets, comforters and pillows is ill-advised in an older home in Goopville. Unbeknownst to her, the pipes leading out from the washing machine became overworked from all of the lice-filled bedding and backed up into her basement. The basement became filled with hot water and mud, destroying everything that was stored in the basement.
She now has to spend the next few days unloading moldy and wet belongings into a rented dumpster. The torture never ends.
Now….because of the poor and selfish choice of one twat Roopville mother – many lives and their belongings had been destroyed.
One little super-bug is annihilating Goopville as we know it.
I know that I will be doing my part – by promptly delivering my child to the barber tomorrow to get proper little boy buzz cuts.
Perhaps these Goopville mothers will take a look at what’s happening around them and do their part – so that we don’t all end up with our lives and precious locks obliterated.
a minute, a day, two days and $500 at the lice clinic and sort this shit out!!!
This has been a public service announcement.
I DON’T LIKE CHILDREN WITH HEAD BUGS HOME WITH ME EITHER – BUT BE RESPONSIBLE PEOPLE..FOR FUCK’S SAKE…..Please share on Facebook so we can all agree to address this lice epidemic properly – XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA