Dear Apple Store Employee,
It was clear, as soon as you approached me with your latest and greatest phone and your aloof stare that you thought you were better than me.
You may have even disliked me right away- just because I am clearly a mother in workout clothes and a bitchy resting face, lacking enthusiasm towards the Apple products.
I am sure that you have a sense of entitlement because you have completed your 10,000 hours of “computer and video-game geeking out” in your parents’ basement and now you think you are the next Steve Jobs.
This isolated time, doing God knows what, on computers and iPads – has done nothing to hone your social skills and you have a profound inability to relate to regular old people like myself that don’t give two fucks about my cellular telephone.
It was no matter to you that I arrived at this store 3 hours ago and was told that there was a significant wait time. I am sure you wouldn’t care to know that, during that wait time I dropped hundreds of dollars that I shouldn’t have, at Lululemon and Abercrombie kids, and that I ate pretzel nuggets and Pinkberry with my children for no real reason other than boredom and a lack of will power.
When I took my phone casually out of my bag, I saw your eyes roll and your face form into a smug grin. I know that it is not the latest and greatest of iPhones. I am aware that my operating system is older.
I don’t need you to tell me that.
But thanks for letting me know that I am three years behind in the technology department and that I am missing out on a lot of bells and whistles.
I told you that “I don’t care, I just want to be able to text people with emoticons and check my email and
stalk people on Facebook and Insta when I am in line at the grocery store, make impulsive shopping decisions on Nordstrom.com with the swipe of a finger check the weather…..Oh! Also I really enjoy taking selfies pictures of my precious children.”
You say “I understand your needs, but you have like no storage on this phone and you need to download the update for the operating system….you need to put your
selfies pictures of your precious children and whatever else you don’t need into the cloud.”
“The cloud?!!” I screech. “NEVER!! I AM AFRAID OF THE CLOUD!!!” I say smartly, because you think that you can fool me into using the cloud but I am actually quite intelligent and probably smarter than you and I won’t be tricked.
You roll your eyes for probably the 10th time since we have met and you say “Ok, Ma’am, there’s nothing to be afraid of,” in a very slow mocking tone.
“Well I don’t feel comfortable with the cloud, and I know people whose entire lives were destroyed when they updated – and I am not doing it.” I go on to tell you about a friend who did an update and her phone basically exploded and she escaped narrowly – but her home and her social life were never the same.
Your blank stare tells me that you don’t believe a word I am saying and that you hate my guts. Fine…I may have exaggerated that story a bit…..
So then you start droning on about storage and bits and bytes and gigs and megagigs and systems and updates and settings and I just……I just wanted to die….i had to cut you short!
And besides!! I’m not even here to discuss my phone!”
I then decide to be completely honest and tell you that – I really don’t care about my phone. I know this is not what you are used to hearing in this little white Apple land.
I know that you are used to filthy people who set up sleeping bags and roast marshmallows for days outside of the store, just to be one of the first people to drop a grand on a new phone.
To me that is insanity. I mean isn’t the phone something that should bring us pleasure?
Do we really need some fancy phone that costs a fortune and can do a million things that we don’t really need it to do?? Is the phone a delightful luxury or just yet another means that makes our lives a living hell??
If I am being honest, the only thing I really care about is that my phone case is indestructible and that it has lots of bling – and happens to be the same as Theresa Guidice’s.
Yes, I know that she has been in prison for the past year and hasn’t probably had a chance to update her phone…but quite frankly I am in prison too, dude.
I am in prison too.
It’s not the Danbury penitentiary – but it sometimes feels like it.
I spend much of my time in my vehicle chauffering children around or in the grocery store or at work, wishing for a moment of peace. It’s a prison that your own mother probably feels she is in as well, when she spends night after night laundering your underwear and your Star Wars t-shirts, wondering if you will ever move out of her basement.
So forgive me if I don’t really have time or energy to care about how cool my phone is.
We moved on to discuss the real reason why I was there.
I wanted to update what I call my “old phone” an iPhone 5s, that makes your eyes glaze over in a state of horror when I reveal it.
My plan is to spiff this bad-boy up and give it my 10-year-old son. I am not adding him to my plan, he will not be able to use it to call – he will only use it to text when he is in a Wi-fi location or play games.
“This needs to be completely refurbished,” you say as you hold it gingerly like it’s a bomb that can detonate at any moment.
“Yes.” I agree.
Your disgust is clear. “What is the point?” you ask with thinly veiled snark and venom.
“Well he is in middle school now, and frankly I only want to keep him alive.” I say.
“Well – this system won’t let him download much in the way of apps, and we need to delete everything on the phone and start all over.” you explain.
“Yes fine.” I answer curtly.
“I don’t need him downloading any social media, I don’t want him having Snapchat so that he can receive naked pictures from everyone in his class,” I say making a joke (kind of.)
You don’t even crack a smile.
“Well it’s true – all the kids send naked pictures on Snapchat,” I reaffirm my stance, “Right?”
“Umm….no…I don’t think so,” you answer with your favorite know-it-all tone.
“Ummmm….yes they do, you need to brush up on your social media knowledge dude.” I answer.
We are clearly never going to be friends.
You hate me.
And I might….just hate you.
Unless….you can solve all of my technology troubles swiftly and give me back the phone in working condition – allowing my child to have a device that he can text me when he needs a ride or play a game on a long car ride.
I am just trying to keep him alive.
Even though you have managed to make me feel like a small, stupid, useless waste of space of a woman…
You return after 20 minutes with a phone that perfectly suits the needs of my child, and you assure me that I can come back anytime and have my archaic phone updated…for free.
Maybe we got off to a bad start.
We will still never be friends.
Let’s agree to just co-exist on the earth together.
My family and I will continue our path of barely surviving – in a complete fog without updated technology…and you in your flip-flops and cargo shorts in your mother’s basement hating anyone that doesn’t have the iPhone 23.
This has been fun.
I’ll see you in 2 years when my phone explodes because my contract is up.
xo, LADY GOO GOO GAGA