During the summer months, my main parenting goal is
to make sure my kids have a lot of fun!! make sure my children keep up with their math and reading!! make sure my kids eat a lot of fruits and vegetables!! keep my children alive.
This task is harder than one would think.
Every two seconds, I discover a new way that my children’s lives can be destroyed or ended. This world we live in has become so perilous that each day I am developing a new irrational fear. I am waking up in cold sweats worrying about something horrible that I might have fed my children or smothered on their bodies.
There’s no way to be completely free from harm or sudden death – but here are some biggies to look out for:
Apparently, what was considered in the 70’s and 80’s a glowing ball of fun, is now basically comparable to the “Death Star.” This huge sphere is basically capable of destroying our entire planet, but at the very least it can singe your children’s skin and their eyeballs and their scalps and the soles of their feet.
I am not a great mom in this department, mostly because I idolize the sun. I spent many hours of my lifetime doused in baby oil roasting on the beach. I enjoy being outside during the daylight hours, in the summer, just lying around working on my tan, even though I hate nature and anything else that could be considered “outdoorsy.”
If you are a negligent parent and leave them in the out-of-doors for too long in the hot sun, or forget to protect them with hats and sunscreen, or did not properly hydrate them, they will suffer the ramifications.
We must not forget sunglasses too!! They can’t be just any sunglass! They must protect angelic eyeballs from specific rays of the sun – so the sunglasses have to provide UV protection!!! No dollar store Spider Man sunglasses allowed, unless you would like your child’s eyeball to crisp up like a piece of fried calamari.
If they are not monitored outside in the heat and sunshine, they will immediately suffer from dehydration, various rashes, sun poisoning, fainting, dizziness, vomiting, headache, blisters and skin infections. In the long-term they will have to undergo unpleasant procedures to remove skin cancer from their bodies and could potentially die of a melanoma.
Every day that I wake up I am in a constant battle with this yellow beast to keep it from murdering my children.
Of course it can’t be easy.
In an effort to keep your child’s entire body from turning into a smoldering pile of ashes, you must properly cover them sun protection cream.
Now, the method of slathering your child with some unknown substance filled with chemicals is apparently no longer acceptable.
In the 80’s, people enjoyed suntan lotions and sunscreen labeled “SPF 4” wholeheartedly without a care in the world.
Sunscreens were chosen based on scent alone and Ban de Soleil orange SPF 2 – was my personal favorite as a teen.
Nobody was fucking scared of suntan lotions in the olden days.
Now we have to “check labels” and “only put stuff on our children’s skin that doesn’t kill them”
It has been perfectly fine to cover your little baby’s skin with parabens for ages but now it’s not ok.
Now there is a list a mile long that has been published of sunscreens that will apparently kill your child before the sun will.
So apparently, each morning I have to consult with a safe list before my precious children can venture into the outdoors. I have spent millions of dollars and thrown many sunscreens in the garbage. Very few pass the test of containing no parabens or cancer causing ingredients, while simultaneously insuring that your child’s body does not burst into flames.
Some might be safe but they are housed in a spray can. This spray can can kill your child.
I happily spent many summer mornings spraying my children with SPF 70, thinking I was keeping them safe from the sun’s harmful rays.
Little did I know – the spray was going into their noses and mouths and causing them a slow death by inhalation of toxic chemicals.
I can’t win.
Also – if you are very crazy…..If you care about things besides just keeping your child safe and alive….
If you actually care about the environment as well as the health and wellness of your child – then apparently there are some sunscreens that are destroying the coral reef.
I guess we are supposed to give two shits about that as well.
So apparently, when children are thrown out into
the wild wild west the desert outside in Connecticut, they need constant hydration. Their bodies can only sustain for very short periods of time in the out-of-doors without some sort of obnoxious and annoying beverage.
Parents in Goopville can be found supplying their children with huge beverages in an effort to “keep their electrolytes up” or “make sure they aren’t dehydrated.”
A kid plays baseball for twenty minutes and these asshole parents have a Gatorade the size of my car waiting for them on the sidelines.
“Well guess what?” stupid Goopville parents!!
Gatorade will kill your kid.
Especially the lemon lime one.
Read fucking Newsweek or the world-wide web people.
Gatorade can cause tooth decay, elevated heart rate, heart failure, obesity, and anxiety.
So I just use water or whatever’s handy to hydrate my children while they are enjoying a hot day at the beach….but NOT GATORADE!!!
Bugs these days can fucking ruin your life. You can get Lyme’s Disease and find that your entire body no longer works and you can die a painful death. You can get Zika virus from a mosquito and drop dead. I once got viral meningitis via a mosquito – otherwise known as West Nile Virus, and narrowly avoided death.
There are a million other horrible diseases that one can get from bug bites nowadays.
When I was little we would come home at night in the summer covered in mosquito bites. We would use our nails to make “x’s” in each bite and my mother would use a cotton ball to coat each bite with calamine lotion before bed.
We were annoyed because the bites itched, however we never had to worry that we would die!
Those days are over.
At any given moment, our children can be outside playing and a bug can come and bite them and end their life.
That’s the facts.
THE BUG SPRAY:
Well the obvious thing to do to save our children’s lives is to spray them from head to toe with bug spray!!! Right!?
The bug spray can kill them!!!
In my day, if we were outside after dusk, my mother would reach into the medicine cabinet and take out a huge aerosol can of OFF and spray us from head to toe,(with zero regard for our inhalation of aerosol spray or poison) and send us on our way.
Now we have to dab holistic treatments gingerly on our little angels and wait and pray that weird lavender ointments keep the Zika virus at bay.
See below, children (whose mother doesn’t give a fuck and sprayed them with DEET) walk calmly through the woods – followed by a child whose mother gave him a swipe of organic witch hazel.
This the harsh reality for today’s children.
These kids today are just not made the same as they used to be.
They have zero imagination and they need constant attention.
If my kids aren’t like shooting down a waterslide or zip-lining or diving off a diving board, they are in my face, saying they are bored.
A couple of weeks ago, I met a friend and an acquaintance for a tennis match in the park.
I brought the kids, armed with their baseball equipment. I instructed them to go play baseball on the baseball field and to not disturb me during my tennis match.
The acquaintance brought her children as well. They were by her side the whole time on the tennis court whining and complaining of boredom.
The acquaintance kept walking over to the children and whispering in their ears, and rubbing their backs and making friendly suggestions of activities they could do to keep busy.
After an hour of this bullshit, my kids had the nerve to wander over. Dripping with sweat and baseball field dirt, they talked to me through the tennis court fence.
“We had to leave the field, because a team came and kicked us off!” they complained, “We are thirsty and we have nothing to do!”
“Go play baseball over there,” I said dismissively, pointing to a field of grass, while returning a serve.
They looked over at the grass with horror. “We can’t play on grass!” they exclaimed.
I excused myself from playing and stomped over to where they were.
“If you ever bother me again while I am playing tennis, I am going to kill you, number one. Number two, do you know there are children with no arms, playing baseball with a stick and a rock in back alleys across America!! And you two privileged, spoiled brats can’t figure out what to do in a huge park filled with green grass, baseball fields, splash pads, two playgrounds and a duck pond in Goopville, Connecticut? Go figure out something to do this instant or you are both punished for 2 weeks.”
I turned on my heel and went back on the tennis court.
The doting acquaintance was shocked and horrified by my speech. I could tell by her hanging-open mouth and judging eyes that she was unaccustomed to my type of parenting.
When the tennis match was over, she came over to me and said, “You know what? You were right what you said to your kids!! It’s true!! Kids should be able to play without us telling them what to do!!” she said as though I had found the cure to cancer.
“Yes, I know.” I said wryly.
Somehow these kids have got to keep active or they might turn into bored stupid vegetables.
It’s our duty to not only keep them alive, but keep them moving.
Preferably, several hundred feet away from us.
GOOD LUCK KEEPING YOUR CHILDREN ALIVE THIS SUMMER!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA