7 MOMS TO AVOID AT THE GROCERY STORE

Before you have kids, you can pop into a grocery store once or twice a week.  Once you are a mother, the grocery store becomes a second home.  You not only find yourself there daily, sometimes you might have to go twice a day. Bad enough your life revolves around feeding your family, you have to be alert and mindful of who you might run into in your local market.  What should be a simple chore, could end up ruining your day.

"Oh Fuck."
“Oh Fuck.”

This week I had a few times that I had to hit the grocery store when I was not in the mood to see anyone.  Monday I left work because I felt like I was dying and I feared that I had the flu and that I might perish, so I quickly dashed in for beverages and soups and foods that my family could live on for a few days if I couldn’t get out of bed. When I parked my car, I popped my trusty sunglasses on and went inside praying that I wouldn’t see anyone. First because if I had to smile or speak I would vomit, second because I looked like shit, and third because I don’t like anyone in Goopville,  I don’t like moms in Goopville,  I didn’t have the energy for small talk. It struck me that going to the grocery store as a mother is a very treacherous task.  Here are 7 Moms to Avoid at the Grocery Store.

THE ORGANIC MOM:

This crunchy nightmare has a cart filled with organic produce and grains.  Her $6 Ezekial bread makes your “BOGO” Wonder Bread feel bad about its’ self.  She has organic snacks, organic chicken, and organic almond milk.  Her groceries, that barely fill half of her cart, will cost a cool $300 and she won’t bat a coconut-oil glazed eyelid.  She’s gluten-free, paraben-free, dairy-free, and vegan.  So are all of her children and her husband and her dog.  She eyes your cart filled with non-organic eggs and Cap’n Crunch with a sad, disappointed look.  The look says “You are making very bad choices and I feel sorry for your children.”

 

"You cannot put a price on organic tofu."
“You cannot put a price on organic tofu.”

 

THE GOSSIPY MOM

Even when you think you’re in the clear, she is watching your every move.  If you aren’t looking your best, she will take note, and tell the world.  She cannot wait to tell someone at school pick-up that you dared to use coupons, that you took 16 items into the 10 item or less line, and that you buy junk food for your children. Do not dare have dark circles under your eyes – she will casually mention to other moms how tired and overwhelmed you are.  Don’t speak on your phone within earshot of this woman, she will pretend to be looking for something, and will be listening to your every word.  Be very careful.  Everything will be reported back to the masses.

Lady Goo Goo Gaga is right behind me at the store and she is fat and looks very angry!
“OMG,  Lady Goo Goo Gaga is right behind me at Whole Foods and she is very fat and looks soooo angry!”

THE PERFECT MOM:

You see her gingerly picking up a box of organic cake mix from afar.  Her manicure glistens in the fluorescent lighting.  Her skin is glowing.  She doesn’t look tired, because she’s not.  She is thin and beautiful and dressed to the nines. Every glistening blonde hair on her head has been blown and highlighted and curled to perfection.  When she notices you her face lights up with a genuine smile, as she is happy to see you.  Unlike you, she is a pleasant, good person who has never been in a bad mood in her life.  You try to be pleasant and match her happiness, even though you’re tired, and your crumpled Old Navy shirt is stained. It’s not her fault really….but this woman makes you want to cry.

perfect mom

THE MOM YOU HAVE BEEN AVOIDING

You have ignored her requests for playdates.  You have disregarded her requests for help with the school fundraiser.  She is the last living person that you want to see. You really don’t need this right now.  You just wanted to run in and out with your milk and your coffee and your goldfish crackers and now you have to deal with this awkward encounter. You don’t know if she will be nice or snippy.  Will she bring up her numerous attempts to contact you? Will she back you into a corner – requesting a playdate or asking for your help face to face? You are about to find out.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler in "Sisters."

THE SKINNY MOM

This woman seems to have just left a Bikram Yoga class at all times.  She is scantily clad in “exercise clothing” while she prances through the grocery store.  She works out like it’s her job, and sometimes it actually is.  Everyone knows that she’s skinny, including her. Yet, she will tell you that she is on the Whole 30 diet and trying to lose weight. If you think you will get in and out of this store without coming face-to-face with her 6 pack abs, then you are sorely mistaken.  She will be sure that you don’t get out without feeling bad about your muffin-top. There’s nothing you can do really except grab the nearest kale and quinoa and throw it atop your unhealthy groceries so she won’t notice and judge you more than she already does…

"Ugh I feel so bloated today...Don't even look at me."
“Ugh I feel so bloated today…Don’t even look at me.”

 

THE CHATTY MOM

She is just sooo excited to see you! She has so much to tell you! You have 15 minutes to make this grocery run. You are running late for picking up your kids or getting to work, a place that she seems to not have to worry about.  You have no desire to chit-chat in circles with this maniac who apparently has nothing to do but talk…and talk….and talk.  You narrowly avoid her in the cereal aisle – and you think you are in the clear.  She will find you.  It might be in the dairy section, it might be at check-out, but she will find you and she will talk your ear off.  You will be late to everything for the rest of the day.

She will never SHUT THE FUCK UP.
She will never SHUT THE FUCK UP.

THE NEEDY HOT-MESS MOM

She seems to have just rolled out of bed. She wants you to be her friend.  Her kids are running wild in the store and she wants your advice on parenting.  She asks about the brand of yogurt in your cart.  The sunglasses you are wearing indoors that are a clear warning sign that you are not interested in engaging in conversation will not deter her. She asks where you got the “amazing” sunglasses on your unfriendly face.  She wants to ask you about your summer. She wants to know what camps the kids went to. Are you available for drinks? What day is good? She loves your hair – can you give her the name of your hairdresser? Also – can you text her the name of your babysitter? She really needs one.  What gym do you go to? She would love to find a new gym – she hates the one she’s going to. Did your kids do their summer reading? What books did they like? She really needs to find books her kids will read.  The needs are endless and she wants you to solve all of her problems, right now, in aisle 10.

Undergarment shopping is not her strength...
Undergarment shopping is not her strength…

 

Just know that while you are simply trying to buy food and beverages to keep your family alive – there are several people that you need to be on the watch for. You have been warned.

PLEASE SHARE THIS ON FACEBOOK – I WANT NEW WOMEN TO FIND OUT HOW FUNNY AND DELIGHTFUL SUNDAY NIGHTS CAN BE! PLUS – WE HAVE ALL FOUND OURSELVES HIDING BEHIND THE BOTTLED WATER PRAYING THAT ANOTHER MOM DOESN’T SEE US….

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *