It’s that time of year when we all look in the mirror and see a pale, doughy woman in despair. We have eaten every cookie and cheese and cracker that passed our way. We have slept in on snow day and drank more wine than seems humanly possible. We look at this horrific image and resolve to do better. We resolve to exercise more and to eat less. We resolve to hit the gym. And it’s January so we all try our best to show up for our resolutions.
While I appreciate everyone’s January efforts, I pride myself as being a regular gym goer. You see I am not the type of gal that just eats cheese and cookies during the holidays. No, I have to fight against my cheese and wine weight gain year round.
So suffice it say when January rolls around and all you NY Resolution people come a-knocking, life at the gym becomes unbearable. There’s nowhere to park. There are no elliptical or treadmill machines available. Lord forbid I try to get into a class….The spin bikes are all taken and the weights are gone.
It’s maddening AF. To add insult to injury, suddenly there are people at the gym that I know that I have never seen before. Now I am supposed to look somewhat human? Because there’s a full social scene happening in my trusty weight-lifting class? I love my gym because I have been going there for 11 years, and I know every face. It’s not a meat-markety type of gym where I have to look good. I can roll in with no makeup and take a shower and not worry that people will see my fat face and body and judge. (Except in January.)
And believe me, it’s a miracle that I got here in the first place. I have SAD and a belly filled with cheese and crackers and martinis. The last living thing I want to do is work out and then after that, the last living thing I want to do is talk to some random January gym mom. There are several moms that I have to hide from during this treacherous time.
Here are my top 7 moms that I don’t want to see at the gym….my sacred place.
#1 – Sweaty Whole Foods Deodorant Mom:
This woman doesn’t care what she looks like. Her gray hairs peek through her loose ponytail that’s held together with hemp strings. She loves to sweat, she loves yoga and pilates. She is so skinny you just don’t want to even look at her, but if you do, it doesn’t make you feel bad, because you know that she lives on kale chips and placenta pills. You don’t want to make small talk with her because there’s not much to say, but most importantly you don’t want to get too close. She smells like dog shit. She uses the weird deodorant rock from Whole Foods to mask her endless perspiration and it does nothing to hide the stench. Oh and by the way, she’s super fucking flexible and she will show you every pose she knows and more…
#2 – The Skinny Bitch Mom:
She pretends that she’s new to working out, but she actually belongs to 3 other gyms. She is rail thin and clearly doesn’t need to be here as much as you, yet she’s in the class first so she gets the best spot. After the class, she pretends that it was “killer!” but you know she breezed through with ease while you were huffing and puffing and wishing for an early death. No matter if she shows up at the gym or not she will never way more than 110 pounds. She’s either naturally thin or doesn’t consume food. She is the devil incarnate and we hate her. And no matter how thin she is, she will insist on telling you she needs to lose 5 more pounds to reach her goal weight! She likely has 4 children and is just put on this earth to feel bad about yourself. Avoid her at all costs.
#3 -The Vagina Showing Mom:
She has obvious disregard for her choice of gym clothing. It’s not clear if she knows that her entire vagina is seen through her pants and she doesn’t care, or if she’s so clueless and intent on her calorie burning that she really doesn’t know. Either way, she will strike up a conversation and you will keep a laser-like focus on her eyeballs as to avoid the outline of her labia that is protruding from her ill-fitting athletic attire. Whether she is skinny or could afford to lose a few – this vagina is puffed out and too big for her pants. You are trying to lose weight and achieve mental and physical health, and interacting with this camel-toe woman is going to ruin everything.
#4 – The Designer Mom:
Her yoga mat is Kate Spade and her clothing is Lululemon from head-to-toe. She tosses her Porsche keys on the floor next to her mat and tucks her Chanel Bag in the corner of the room because she doesn’t want to leave it in a locker. Her diamonds glisten as she drinks Perrier from her limited edition Swell bottle. Of course, she is skin and bones and doesn’t need to be here. Nobody knows if she is here to work out or just make us all feel like peasants…but it’s always better when she’s not around.
#5 – The Heavy Lifter Mom:
I go to the gym to burn calories and get a little cardiovascular activity. I lift weights in a class here and there because I know that I am supposed to. I am certainly not winning any awards in the work-out department, but I think my basic motto is that I want to exercise…not die. For example, I personally find no instance in life where I feel it necessary to lift thousands of pounds over my head. This buff woman finds constant reasons to do so. She will lift and squat and bench as much as your husband and maybe more. She takes great pride in her superhuman strength. There is no amount of weight that she won’t lift over her head. She won’t stop until she has ripped and torn everything enough that she requires surgery. The surgery is inevitable with these man-women, and that’s still won’t stop them. They love Crossfit and anything that resembles it and if you think you are going to feel good next to her with your 5-pound dumbbells than you have another thing coming. She will make sure you know that you are pathetic and weak. She is obsessed with being strong. Her boobs are gone, her arms are sinewy weird limbs that hang off of her huge shoulders. It’s not normal.
#6 – The Chatty Mom:
This mom is clearly here to socialize. Unlike you, she doesn’t work or have anything pressing that needs to get done. She seemingly has hours on end to walk on the treadmill and talk your ear off when all you want to do is put your earbuds in a get a workout. Lord forbid you meet her at the shake bar, she will just want to chat for hours and you will have to find a way to escape from her mindless chatter. Even worse, is if you are on a machine next to hers, you will have to wait for her to take a breath and quickly pop your earbuds in and focus on your exercising. A normal person will recognize this as a clear signal that you are not available for chit-chat. This maniac will keep trying to talk to you. You might as well take out the earbuds and admit defeat, your workout is ruined by this loser. If you refuse to talk to her she will simply hop on her celly and talk to whatever poor soul she can find to talk and gossip with….which is super annoying while you are clearly dripping with sweat and trying to run 4 miles on the treadmill. Even if it means being a huge bitch – you need to avoid this nightmare or she will ruin you.
#7 – The Pretender Mom:
Nobody knows why she’s here but you will find her everywhere. She’s the one taking up the machine that you are waiting for – while she sits on the bench and texts “in between sets.” She bounces on the elliptical machine on the lowest possible setting, while watching “Vanderpump Rules.” In the spin class, she doesn’t turn the knob once and just breezes through the whole class without breaking a sweat, and leaves with her makeup perfectly intact. While you are on a uphill climb that could possibly kill you…..
this asshole is enjoying a magical bicycle ride like Maria from the Sound of Music. I am working like a dog on my bike like the kids from Stranger Things, and I have to look over at this lady pedaling softly while she sips her
pinot grigio water.
Soon it will be February and most of these annoying people will have fallen off of their NY resolutions…thank God.
HAPPY JANUARY EVERYONE!!! XOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA