I never envisioned myself as a mother to two boys. I was very sure that I would be giving birth to only girls for obvious reasons like, I like shopping, getting my nails done and putting on makeup. I could teach my daughters about eyeliner and Madonna and important life lessons about
being nice being just like me…
That was not my fate.
I quickly grew into my role of a boys’ mom, and shudder to think about if I had two bitchy girls touching my makeup, coming with me to the nail salon or asking me to buy them clothes.
While there are so many perks for me as a mother to having boys, as they grow, I find that life in our house is very hectic, dangerous and LOUD. This weekend began Friday night, with Michael blocking Sam from hopping on the couch by putting his huge legs and feet in the way. Everytime Sam tried to sit down, Michael would kick him out of the way and finally misjudged his aim and ended up kicking his brother in the face. He spent the remainder of the evening in his room.
The next day, after 5 minutes of sledding he “accidentally” threw a huge chunk of icy snow at “his brother’s sled” that narrowly missed his eye. Per Mr. Gaga, he spent the next hour in the car while his brother, cousins and friends enjoyed sledding.
While I appreciate Mr. Gaga’s ability to punish Michael’s bad behavior, I secretly felt bad for Michael. He is not a bad kid. He loves his brother and most times they are the best of friends. He is just a boy, as they say. He is wild, impulsive and strong. He makes decisions based on whether he can get a laugh or intimidate his sibling for fun. He doesn’t think before he acts, and makes bad choices repeatedly. No matter how many times we punish him or tell him that he’s a jerk, it’s like he can’t help but sabotage himself.
What’s even more upsetting and pathetic is that Sam loves and idolizes his brother so much that if he gets hurt by him, he doesn’t even mind the physical injury so much. I can see it in his eyes as hot tears pour down his face, that more than anything, he is completely devastated that his brother would want to hurt him, and his heart is broken every time they fight.
They make up. They fight. They make up. They fight.
I am told that this “normal” for brothers.
It’s very alarming, and something I was not prepared for since I grew up with only one brother myself.
Here are a few other things that I didn’t know were coming to me when I gave birth to people with penises.
#1 – THERE WILL NEVER BE MATCHING SOCKS AGAIN:
No matter how much laundry I wash and fold and put away, my children will be crying and complaining every morning that they have no matching socks.
The problem does not lie in the fact that millions of socks have not been purchased for them. I have even foolishly purchased several sets of Nike Elite socks – to the tune of $15 a pair. (If you have boys pray that they never find out about these.)
While my laundering skills are not prompt or efficient I don’t think that matters either.
The real issue is that when they no longer want a sock on their foot – they simply take off said sock wherever they are and throw the balled sock into the wind and let it land and remain there forever. Socks are sometimes thrown into a dirty clothes hamper (but please see #4 below) they are THROWN. Sometimes they both land where they are meant to land, but that’s rare. Usually just one does. The other will be hidden collecting dust behind a bookshelf or on top of the refridgerator for months.
Is there a solution to this problem? I don’t know but am open to suggestions.
#2 – THEY DON’T COMMUNICATE PROPERLY:
Do you know how your boyfriend or husband don’t like to talk? Do you know how when you were dating they wouldn’t like to talk on the phone? Do you know how to this day after 15 years of marriage they still “forget to tell you” important information?
Well you can expect a lifetime of this type of bad communication from your sons.
Here’s essentially the conversation that occurs every single night at dinner since the kids started school.
“How was school?”
“Did you learn anything or do anything fun?”
Did you have a good day?
“I don’t know.”
Or I will pick them up from practice or a birthday party…I will excitedly ask them about their time.
“How was it? Did you have fun? Did you do well?”
#3 – FARTING NEVER GETS OLD….
I know that children fart. I know that men fart. So obviously small boys will likely fart.
However, there was nothing that could ever prepare me for the stench and sound that awaited me.
Also, if you are waiting for them to be embarassed – that will never happen…
They don’t mind farting in front of their mother or anybody for that matter…
They don’t care. I can scream at them as I open windows and spray Lysol all over the house. The more upset I am and the worse the smell….apparently the funnier it is.
I am essentially living with Beavis and Butthead.
#4- THEY ARE NOT AWARE OF APPROPRIATE BALL THROWING ENVIRONMENTS:
One would think that after age 3 or 4 – a parent would no longer have to remind or tell their grown ass children to not throw balls in the house. Everyone knows you don’t play ball in the house!
This would be an incorrect assumption.
Everything I have ever owned or cared for as been destroyed in the last ten years. It wasn’t enough that my tits, abdomen and undereye area has undergone a destruction like no other.
My belongings and my home are not safe either.
Any round object that finds it’s way into my children’s hands will ultimately be thrown across the room. Sometimes, it’s being shot into something that the child is pretending to be a basket. Sometimes it’s thrown at another person. Sometimes, it’s just being tossed around out of boredom.
It doesn’t even have to be a ball, per se. It can be anything. There is no regard for lamps, framed pictures, televisions, or human heads or eyeballs.
#5 -THEY WILL NEVER NOT BE HUNGRY
Two weeks ago a miracle happened in Goopville.
Women my age started eating food, mothers stopped putting bumperstickers on the back of their minivans about their children’s activities, mothers got their son’s haircuts, they brought back the multiplication table Walmart went out of business.
People in Goopville shop at Whole Foods and fancy vinegar boutiques in the center of town, and Walmart had not choice but to close after just two years in business.
Even though I had never once shopped there, I was there happily filling my cart to the ceiling when they announced their demise. They opened their doors and said everything in the store was 50 percent off.
Imagine everything at Walmart for half off! Razors, sunscreen, birthday candles, napkins, bug spray, drinks, and most importantly…..snacks!
I ran around with my cart like a lunatic. There was no time to spare looking at labels or thinking twice about my purchases….
When all was said and done, my bill rang up to $400, which was then reduced to $200.
As I filled up my car with snacks and food, I felt excited at the prospect of not having to buy snacks for like a
year 2 months apparently just 2 weeks.
These boys can eat a huge dinner, with dessert and they will be back an hour later saying they are starving.
I am waiting for a day that they tell me they are full. From what I understand it only gets worse.
#6 – THE TOILET AND ITS SURROUNDING AREA WILL NEVER BE CLEAN AGAIN:
I just cannot explain what happens with boys’ penis’ shooting urine all over the place. It starts when they are potty training and you foolishly believe that you will be scrubbing the grout and windows for a short period of time.
That is not true.
They will shoot piss all over your bathrooms until you die. I asked a mother of 3 boys about her experience and she confirmed that it is a problem.
“The toilet situation is disturbing, if I had known, I would have installed a urinal when I built my house.” she answered gravely, “A friend of mine keeps towels all around the toilet and changes it daily.”
While that is a vile concept, the fact is, your grout will become saturated with urine over time if you are not diligently bleaching the area everyday of your life.
Sometimes you will casually sit on the toilet seat and nearly fall off and die due to puddles of pee that have collected on the seat.
#7 – THEY LOVE THEIR MOTHER
The best part of having boys is that they love their mother! I see girls their age interacting with their mothers, and they are already starting to roll their eyes and be bitchy and dramatic. Thank God, despite the fact that my whole house is covered with pieces of broken vase and urine, at least they aren’t embarassed by me yet or too annoyed. They even hug and kiss me in front of their friends…..and I have to say that’s worth all the filth and urine.
PLEASE SHARE THIS ON FACEBOOK THIS WEEK FOR ALL THE MOTHERS OF BOYS!!
XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA