63 Days Until I Can Get a Tan and Ignore my Children

Thank Jesus Easter is over with.

Going forward there is a lot to look forward to and a lot of baggage to leave behind.

I know people think that Easter is a celebration of Jesus moving a huge rock out of a cave or something like that – but I find it to be much more than that.

It is a signal to me that we are almost done with the school year and spring is coming.

The following is a list of ten pieces of shit that I will be happy to be done with now that Easter is over:

#1 – Lent  – Do you know that my kids demanded that I give up cursing for Lent?  What kind of bullshit thing is that? I don’t do enough for these people?

kiddingme

The one thing I have left in life that I enjoy doing and I have to give it up?
They suggested that when I wanted to say the “F” curse that I take a breath and say “FFFFFF……ajita…….”

Needless to say I got caught saying “shitballs” and “what the fuck” several times.  “What the fajita” just doesn’t do it for me.

#2 – Birthday parties -I cannot tell you how much money and time is spent on strange children’s birthday celebrations in this household.

I don’t want to go to these things.  I cannot wait until the summer when I can go to the beach and ignore every single invitation that arrives.  I don’t understand parents that actually enjoy these parties.

A couple of weeks ago I had to bring Sam to one of those vile bouncing facilities and I stayed and read my book during the party.  Well other parents were there downright enjoying themselves!!

They actually get into the bouncy things and play with kids!!

This mother was actually taking pictures of her kids the whole time. What a loser....I actually pretended that I was taking a pictue of my kids but was actually just taking her picture and she didn't even notice because she was having so much fun.
This mother was actually taking pictures of her kids the whole time. What a loser….I actually pretended that I was taking a picture of my kids but was actually just taking her picture and she didn’t even notice because she was having so much fun.
Ok do you see this enormous foot and leg? This is a mother in the bounce house with the children....Am I the only adult that doesn't find the Jump Zone enjoyable?
Ok do you see this enormous foot and leg? They are attached to a mother in the bounce house with the children….

I almost threw down my book and put my face up to the netting and screamed “This bounce house is for small children and you are a big fat twat- now come out of there!!”  but I didn’t want to ruin a child’s party.

#3 – Cadbury Mini Eggs are off the shelves – I simply cannot be trusted.  I went through 4 bags this year previous to Easter and on Saturday when I saw they were on sale at Target I grabbed another bag.  From that shelf to the checkout aisle I came to my senses and dropped them in the hairspray section, but it was close.

I need to start getting fit for summer and those eggs ruin me every time.

#4 – Winter clothes – Both of my kids need pants desperately.  All of their pants are high waters or ripped in the knees.  I refuse to buy fucking winter clothes in the end of April.  Last weekend before I fell ill from the flu – I managed to pull out all of the summer clothes for some beautiful 70 degree days.  By Wednesday it was SNOWING.

I don’t care if there’s another blizzard, I am flat out refusing to purchase another piece of long sleeved or long panted clothing.

Even when I saw my friend Martha the other day she agreed.  She said “Oh yes – it was cold so I had Gianna wear her NorthFace jacket but it’s way too small and I don’t care.”

“Here Gianna -put on your miniature fleece…” she said as she squeezed her into it.

This was Michael’s Easter pants and I don’t care.

a-high-pants-17

#5 – Being pasty white:    It used to be that I could be tan and somewhat attractive until about November.   Then sometimes I would go away or I would go tanning because I was young and carefree.  Then I would start getting some color again in April or May and my skin would be golden and glorious for the next few months.

Now with the Polar Vortex and the end of the world looming, living in Connecticut is very similar to living in hell….or at least Alaska.

Considering it snowed just a couple weeks ago, and we usually get some sort of blizzard or natural disaster starting in September or October we are basically living in winter for 8 SOLID MONTHS.

Do you know how hideous I am?  Between the pasty white skin,the dark undereye circles and the general malaise and depression that occurs when one lives in a tundra, I look like a real piece of shit.

Here I am taking a picture of that lady at the birthday party.....
Here I am taking a picture of that lady at the birthday party…..

6 – Germs – We need to be in the outdoors.  Enough is enough.

I cannot keep bathing myself and my children in hand sanitizer and avoiding other humans.

Sunday in Easter mass, when it was time to say “Peace be with you” and shake everyone’s hand I grabbed Sam’s hand and wouldn’t let go.  He kept trying to wiggle out of my grip but I just kept looking into his eyes and saying “Peace be with you” really slowly for fear that I would have to touch some stranger’s hand.

7 – Alarm clocks – In my old age I don’t take kindly to waking up at ungodly hours and run around making breakfast and lunches.  It’s really an inhumane start to the day.

I cannot wait to sleep in.

I don’t want to serve people breakfast or tell them to brush their teeth or make their lunch.  I don’t want to find matching socks or sign their stupid homework.

This morning the children ate Pop Rocks and Peeps from their Easter baskets for breakfast and it was delightful.

Can’t everyday be like this?

8 – Activities –  We have pretty much diluted the activities for spring, because baseball will take over our lives.  Although baseball is slightly annoying with its daily practices and games…I can’t say I will miss the CCD, the music, swimming, etc.

After baseball – we will go straight to the beach and activities will slow down to a summer pace which will include beach bingo, beach movies, beach drinking and tanning.

9- School  – I don’t mind if the kids go to school.  But why do I find that I have to go to their school so much?

There is a long list of volunteer jobs that need filling at the school at all times.  I try to volunteer for small jobs when I can – so that I don’t have to feel bad.

Recently I agreed to help the art teacher get ready for the school-wide art show.

I arrived for my hour-long volunteer slot, and was met by two other mothers who gave me a huge pile of artwork that needed to be hung up in the hallway.  I was handed a staple remover and instructed to first remove all of the papers and pictures that were currently on display.

This back-breaking work was not what I had in mind but I did it. When an hour had passed, I kind of hinted to the other mothers that it was time to wrap up what we were doing and leave.

“How long are you staying?” I asked the mother who was working diligently hanging pictures.

“Oh, I am going to only stay for like one more hour….” she said regretfully.

“Um, ok…well I am going to stay for like one more minute…..” I answered.

I mean do mothers live at the elementary school? And if so…why?

I gathered my things and let the other mother know that I was heading home.

“Oh, okay” she said brightly, “And when will you be back?” she asked.

“Um… never?” I answered with a straight face.

“Oh…ok.” she said softly.

The sad part is I am not kidding. I have shit to do.  Mr. Gaga will be happy to tell you about all the housework I have neglected in my own home.  I’ll see you in June….September……for the Halloween party.. 

Never.

10 Schoolwork:    Like I said, I don’t mind if the kids GO to school – but they need to stop bringing shit home.

I used to care if the kids were doing well.  I want them both to be the best and brightest.   I would like them to be ahead of the curve in reading and math.

That’s all in theory.

When it comes right down to it and I have to help with homework…I just really care that they don’t stay back.  I don’t want to do any more fucking bullshit homework.  I don’t want to even sign off that they did their homework.

What I want to do is print out a selfie and attach it to Michael’s homework binder that the teacher checks every morning.

Just so I know we are all set every day until the end of  June….

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63 DAYS LEFT TILL SUMMER!!! XOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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