Nowadays, we are plagued by human beings all around that are rearing children in unacceptable ways. This epidemic ultimately results in the world being filled with rotten horrific children, who will grow up to be rotton horrific adults.
There is no better place to spot bad parenting than on the beach.
I had the pleasure, the other day, of experiencing this all day long. My parents belong to a small private beach association. When we are at the beach, there are a lot of us – so we take turns waking up early to set up an area close to the water.
Imagine my alarm, after my sister-in-law set up prime real estate for us at 7:30 AM, to find that there were some ill-mannered beasts who had set up their chairs and their umbrella mere inches away from our stuff.
RED FLAG NUMBER 1 – THEY HAVE NO CONCEPT OF PERSONAL SPACE.
“What the hell?” I demanded of my sister-in-law as I dropped my beach bag in the sand.
“I was here first!” she said indignantly, “Why would they want to be so close to us?”
We found out soon enough why they wanted to be so close to us.
Three moms wandered over with a gaggle of children and coolers, shortly after.
There was a total of 7 children with ages ranging from 1 to about 11 or 12. Yet, in true bad parenting style, we quickly realized that although these women had a cooler filled with white wine which they began drinking at 11 am, they had magically forgotten any toys for their annoying children.
RED FLAG #2 – THEY ONLY THINK OF THEMSELVES, AND “FORGET TO BRING TOYS” FOR THEIR CHILDREN.
We should have known right at this moment to just accept defeat and move our stuff, but we were comfortable.
stupid assholes wonderful and indulgent mothers, we expend all of our arm strength and lung strength by blowing up various inflatables and lugging surfboards and boogie boards, balls, and anything else that our children might desire on the beach.
Needless to say, we were soon surrounded by their filthy children jumping on our tubes, walking across our towels, helping themselves to pails and shovels, while the moms (that I now despised) chatted and pretended not to notice that all of their children had overtaken our space.
At one point, a small one-year-old covered with sand and drool was actually pulling on my toes while I tried to read my book. I looked over to see if the filthy child had a mother that might care about it, but the women kept chatting away.
I kicked my foot out of the child’s grasp and he stared at me.
I stared back angrily, trying to telepathically get him to leave me alone. Finally, the child’s mother noticed that her child was missing and meandered over.
“He just loves coming over here!” she said lightly.
I didn’t respond and peered through my sunglasses at her without smiling, hoping she would get the message loud and clear that I didn’t like her child or think it was cute.
She pulled the child away back to her area.
He was back two minutes later.
My day was clearly going to be destroyed by this brat.
RED FLAG #3 – THEY DON’T TAKE SOCIAL CUES FROM PEOPLE AROUND THEM WHO CLEARLY DON’T LIKE THEIR CHILD.
I already spent many years chasing children around a beach. I have spent ten years yelling at my children and making sure that their behavior is what it’s supposed to be in public places. If I have a moment to sit in a chair and read a book, I don’t think it’s cute or funny when your snotty-nosed fat toddler (who is actually not attractive at all) touches my belongings or my toes.
When I clearly have “Bitchy Resting Face” and keep glaring at your kid over my book – maybe have a clue and leave me the fuck alone.
After reading the same paragraph fifty times in my book, I gave up and switched to an issue of US WEEKLY. Finally, just when I was able to block out these horrible women and their offspring and enjoy the “Stars, They are Just like Us,” page.
When I looked up I saw that the unfit mothers had unloaded an IGLOO cooler the size of my car onto their beach blanket, despite the clear signage everywhere that says “NO EATING FOOD ON THE BEACH.” This rule was designed to keep the beach clean and to keep hungry seagulls from bothering beachgoers.
But these entitled women happily ignored the rules of the beach association as they pulled fried chicken and sandwiches out of their cooler and started a feast.
RED FLAG #4 – THEY BELIEVE RULES DO NOT PERTAIN TO THEM OR THEIR CHILDREN:
One woman held up an uncrustable, about to feed it to her toddler, while she continued to chit-chat with her friends. She held the food out towards the baby with her head turned, totally engaged in her conversation. I actually heard her say, “Well we had Johnny and then 2 years later Max and we thought we were done!! Then a couple of years ago – we had an accident, and now we have Alex!”
I wanted to stand up and scream “GET THE FOOD OFF THE BEACH YOU BITCH AND CAN YOU SHUT UP? NOBODY CARES ABOUT HOW FERTILE AND DUMB YOU ARE!” but I kept my mouth shut and tried to read my magazine.
I suddenly saw out of the corner of my eye an enormous animal coming closer and closer to where we were seated.
I watched as
Godzilla an enormous seagull walked up to the horrible woman and snatched the entire sandwich out of her hand. The lady yelped as two of the seagull’s friends joined him to scavenge the area.
I threw up my US WEEKLY into the sand and ran for my life to the boardwalk.
This day was shaping up to be a nightmare.
Disgusted, I hung out on the boardwalk, waiting for the seagull family to finish their luncheon buffet. I peered down into the boat basin that was below the boardwalk and saw that the horrible woman who didn’t watch her toddler on the beach, also had neglected her two sons in the boat basin.
Surrounding the boat basin, there are clear signs that state NO FISHING – but was one of her beastly children fishing away. When he got bored, he threw his fishing pole onto the sidewalk surrounding the boats and headed back to the beach.
The sharp hook on the end of the pole lay on the sidewalk and I watched 3 children narrowly avoid slicing their foot open by stepping on the hazardous lure.
RED FLAG #4 – THEY DON’T WATCH ANY OF THEIR CHILDREN, BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO BUSY TELLING NARCISSISTIC TALES ABOUT THEIR INABILITY TO UTILIZE BIRTH CONTROL PROPERLY WITH THEIR DUMB FRIENDS
When I headed back to my beach chair the horrible people were all gone. It seemed that they had headed back to their beach cottage for something, but had left all of their belongings (namely one pail, one shovel, and a cooler.)
I had just become deeply engrossed in an article outlining how to get the perfect bikini body just like Taylor Swift, when our dreaded beach neighbors returned.
The mother of Huckleberry Finn had discovered that someone had broken the fishing pole that her precious angel had left behind in the boat basin for two hours.
I knew this because I heard her assuring Huckleberry that she would get to the bottom of who did this to his fishing pole.
I also heard her call her husband at work to tell him of the horrors that her and her child were enduring while visiting their friend’s beach. She hung up in a huff.
“Dave said that we need to find out who broke Huckleberry’s fishing pole and make them give us money for it!!” she exclaimed to her friends, while rubbing her son’s back while he pouted.
So this fucking asshole, ignored her child while he disobeyed the beach rules, and then left his belongings where they didn’t belong and were unsafe for others.
When the child’s belongings got broken, instead of using this as a lesson for the child to not leave his things where they don’t belong, or not to disobey rules, everyone else has to suffer.
RED FLAG #5 – BLAME THE WORLD FOR YOUR FAILURES AS A PARENT
By now, I had tossed my US WEEKLY aside for good – because clearly watching this insane maniac was more entertaining.
She furiously ran back and forth to the boat basin interrogating passers-by in search of the person who had broken her little precious angel’s fishing pole.
“We are going to a lake tomorrow! And how will he go fishing?!” she screeched at her friend who had graciously offered to buy this lunatic a new pole.
“NO!! You won’t be buying me a new pole!” she answered like a piece of trash with no manners, “The parents of the child that broke it will buy me a new one!”
She finally came back to the beach with some answers.
“Some kids told me who the kid was that broke the pole!” she said excitedly. “I called my husband with his name and he’s investigating and he’s going to call the parents and demand cash!”
I could not believe this animal. This was extortion.
Unbeknownst to her, the child she named as the culprit was my neighbor.
When we left the beach, I spoke with my neighbor and she said that a man called her threatening to call the police if she didn’t meet him with $50 cash by the end of the day.
Her husband was on his way to meet this person.
RED FLAG #6 – MAKE PERFECT STRANGERS PAY FOR THE MISTAKES OF YOUR WRETCHED CHILD
In closing, unless you are an upstanding member of society, please do not sit two inches away from me on the beach. You are everything that is wrong with the world.
Thank God – tomorrow is a new “beach” day.
CAN YOU TELL BAD BEACH ETIQUETTE PUTS ME IN A BAD MOOD?? XO, LADY GGG