6 Ways to Raise an Asshole

It’s come to my attention that children are huge douchebags these days….

It’s alarming and disturbing.

As parents, we need to be diligent about how we are handling our precious little cherubs.

We have to be careful about what kind of monsters we are developing. They are very impressionable.  If our behavior is horrific, what kind of behavior will they exhibit?  Here are 6 sure-fire ways to raise a huge douche-bag….you’ve been warned.

#1 -Hover

I had the luxurious opportunity Friday night to bring my 3rd grader and his friend to the school dance.  Parents were instructed that this was not a drop off event.  We were informed that an “adult lounge” area would be available for parents to sit and relax while their children did “The Whip” in the gymnasium.

Like a smart, level-headed woman I found this as an opportunity to catch up on my latest issue of US Weekly.  I arrived with the kids, said goodbye, and headed to the couch area.  I was the first to the arrive in the “adult lounge.” I settled in and started to read my magazine, anticipating being interupted by all the parents that were sure to join me throughout the 2 hour event.

Well….I was the only!! parent to take advantage of the “adult lounge.”

Where were all of the other parents??

They were feeding their children pizza and standing in the sweaty gym for two solid hours.

It became quite awkward after awhile that I was the only mother who seemingly didn’t care to check on her child or care to watch him do the Macerana.

Here I am safely behind the green table reading about what’s happening in Hollywood while all these other people interact with their children and each other like huge morons.

Sometimes parents would walk by and wave or say “hi” to me.  But never would they leave their precious children’s side.

I started to feel weird and guilty.

Finally, towards the end of the evening – one mother came over and said “Wow, you are really dedicated to the lounge! How old are your kids?” with a hint of mockery and a “you are a bad mother” tone.

“Well they are 8 and 10 and they are totally fine in the school gymnasium across the hallway,” I answered with a hint of sarcasm and a tone of …


Listen people – if you can’t tear yourself away from your child when they are in a school event in their elementary school, then what will happen when they go to middle school? This is an opportunity to let your kids have some fun without your dysfunctional hovering. Let them grow and have some independence…or you might find that they are socially inept and weird at their next school dance.



#2 – Be a fucking asshole about your degrees:

So unfortunately, there were a couple of parents that did in fact, venture into the lounge to test out how it felt to not have children.  One mother sat akwardly next to me and ate salad quietly.

I obviously pretended I was blind,   pretended I didn’t speak English    welcomed her to the lounge 

kept reading my magazine.

Shortly thereafter her 5th grade daughter bounced over with her friend. The friend said “Hi Mrs. Smith!” with polite excitement.

The record screeched and the daughter whipped her head towards her 11-year-old friend and said with horror, “Molly! It’s DOCTOR Smith!!!”

Poor Molly got nervous and red-in-the-face. “Err..sorry…” she muttered.

The intruder of the lounge  nobel prize winning OB GYN mother, answered calmly.   “It’s okay Molly, but… it is…. Dr. Smith.”


It took everything I had not to knock the salad fork out of her hand and slap the shit out of this fucking asshole.


I don’t care that your a doctor.  Nobody in this whole building cares that your doctor.  I am sure even your own patients don’t care that you’re a doctor unless you are prescribing them a prescription for their yeast infection… So what makes you think that an 11-year-old girl gives two flying fucks about your degree??

Now you are teaching your child and your child’s friend that is okay to be a rude bitch and make a scene everytime someone doesn’t recognize and stroke your huge ego??

You are a stupid asshole.

Very soon…

Your child will be one too.


#3 – Do Not let your child mow the lawn:

A very horrific thing happened to a friend this week.  Her children went to a friend’s house and when she picked up the children the mother relayed the bad news.

“When my kids were picking up and doing their chores, your kids said “We have a cleaning lady that does that.”

My friend dropped dead right there at the door.

“I was so embarassed!” she relayed the story to me.

“Well don’t your kids do chores? Like I make my kids empty the dishwasher,” I suggested.

“But it’s just easier if I do it myself! And the cleaning lady just dusts and helps put clothes away.” she said with exasperation.

I am guilty of this too.  Often I am emptying the dishwasher or taking out the garbage because it’s just easier than interupting the kid’s from watching their show or playing.  Sometimes I think they might break a glass or stab themselves with a knife, so I just set the table myself.  At the end of the day, I am picking up their dirty socks that I find in the foyer or putting their legos in the bin, because I can’t be bothered to yell at them for the 500th time.

What are we doing?

“I mowed the lawn, when I was their age, I don’t know how this happened,” my friend said sadly.

Well it happened because we are assholes that don’t want to disturb or upset our children.

It happened because we take our hard-earned money and pay cleaning ladies when we clearly have live-in help that we are not utilizing.

It happened because our children are spoiled brats that need to learn what it’s like to do something unpleasant like dusting or cleaning a toilet or mowing a lawn.

My brother recently asked if my 10 year old son could mow his lawn this summer, and I was horrified by such a suggestion.

“He could lose a limb! Plus he will be busy swimming at the beach and going to camp!” I answered with righteous indignation.

But yet when I was growing up – every boy I knew mowed the lawn.  And the image of a boy mowing the lawn was a romantic cool one…


cant buy me.gif


We need to make this happen.

#4 – When your child is a dick do not acknowledge or accept it:

A friend mentioned this week that her child was involved in a playground scuffle.  Her child like beat up another child or something (under the guise of playing cops and robbers.) The mother of the beaten child wanted to meet to discuss this unfortunate situation.

“Just tell her that you beat the shit out of your kid and you’re horrified by his behavior – that’s what she wants to hear.,” I mentored her before the meeting.

“Well -I am not sure if I am going to punish my son…I am not sure he did anything wrong.” she said pensively.

Listen – I get it.  Sometimes I don’t necessarily think that my kids did anything that bad, but I at least pretend.  Or I get them behind closed doors and explain to them that they cannot beat up their friends at school.

“But we were playing cops and robbers and he was the robber!” they will plead.

“Yes but you can’t play that at school!! Or at least you have to make sure that whoever is the robber is not a huge pussy!! Or he will cry and tell his mother!! Be smart about this!” I will advise like a good parent.

Let’s not just turn a blind eye to our children’s bad behavior!! When they act like stupid assholes we need to recognize it. Sometimes my kids don’t even do anything that bad – and I punish them anyways – just in case they are thinking they can be douchebags.

Also -don’t forget when the children are banished to their rooms that is more time for us to use the ipad and the television without disruption and drink a glass 2 glasses a bottle of wine!!!

Punishment is a good thing!


Woman with a very large glass of red wine
You guys are punished.

#5 – Solve all of their problems:

Recently I heard a story of a mother who pulled her child out of middle school in February and switched the child to another school.

The child’s friends were being mean to him.

The obvious solution after close examination was to swoop in and safely rescue the child and remove him from this very precarious situation.

As a person, that as a very small child had enemies, I can recognize the unpleasantness of going to school and finding that people hate you.  I had resting bitchy face even as a small child, so I was often met with girls that hated me or wanted to beat me up.

Since I was born, my face betrayed me. I am not and have never been capable of hiding my emotions, and my emotions are often….well……contrary.


I remember one time when I was in middle school I told my mother I had to stay home from school because a girl a year older than me said she was going to beat me up on the bus the next day.

Her response?

“Well maybe you did something to deserve it,” she said casually as she set the table for dinner.

“No! I did nothing! She just hates me!” I pled to her deaf ears.

I was furious with my mother for not feeling bad for me or protecting me.

I went to school the next day and I was forced to face this horrible bully.  I talked my way out of a beating – thank God.  In hindsight – my mother forced me to face a very bad scary situation.  She was right to ignore my cries for help.  She was right to make me go to school and face life head on. This was an important lesson in coping and handling relationships with angry and disgruntled enemies.  This would not be the last time that someone wanted to beat me up.

Nowadays this would never happen.  We would all be driving our precious angels to school and then banging on the principal’s door demanding protection and justice for our helpless children.  We would be quickly switching schools.

If you want to be sure that your kid is a wimpy loser that can’t stick up for himself, be sure to fight his battles and swiftly remove him from any and all unpleasant situations.


#6 – Do not comb their hair.

I have said this time and time again.

Parents today believe that they are helping their children by allowing them the liberty and freedom to pick out mismatched clothing and not comb their hair because “they don’t like it.”

By not teaching your children that proper grooming is a necessary and important task – you will be developing a human being that will grow up to be a beast that looks homeless and doesn’t care at all about his or her appearance.

Their self-important message to society will be “I don’t care that I have lice and a rat’s nest on top of my head and that I am wearing my pajamas during the daylight hours, fuck you.”

Is this the type of person you want to be responsible for?

Will they be able to present themselves properly on a date or a job interview? What is your end game here parents?

Think twice about this.  Wake up a few minutes earlier – and comb your kids’ hair and help them pick out proper clothing.

This will be your child at age 20 shopping for apples…I hope your happy.











7 thoughts on “6 Ways to Raise an Asshole

  1. We had several Moms in my daughters grade school that would actually bring lunch up and sit with them to eat every day! wth??? My daughter would have hid under the table if I walked in with McDonald’s saying “hi sweetie, I am here to have lunch with you”. These same Moms tried it for the first couple of days in Middle School and were finally shut down. on a side note” One of those girls IS an asshole (they are in High School now).

  2. I agree with all of these…. I know that I am violating your rule #2 on here and being a fucking asshole by telling you my degree, but here it goes anyway…. I’m a pediatrician and I can’t tell you how many times I see kids and teens who can’t do anything for themselves because of all that you listed above…. Bravo… (you can call me fucking asshole Dr. Paria MD, I can take it)

  3. My take on #2…we Americans want to live the Downton Abby life, but alas we can never be duchesses or “mi’ladies”. Still, we want to believe we are better than other people and so we use our level of education. As long as one has the time and money and persistence to continue going to school, one can earn a PhD in something and thus become superior. It seems to be a human desire to flaunt status if it can be done.

  4. Hi! I don’t read your blog often, but I did come across this one ironically, since as you know, I am a doctor mom at our school too!!! I would venture to bring up another side of that debate…. I too want to correct the kids when at school. See, I would much rather be called by my first name, but at school, it is an only last name culture. The teachers and kids are supposed to refer to you by last name always… and when they do, I prefer Dr. Why wouldn’t we, as a community, want to advertise to our collective daughters that women– especially “normal,” not overly “bookish,” maybe even attempting to be fun– can be physicians? I see so many kids that assume I am a nurse when they hear I am in medicine. I know, seems odd in this day and age. BUT, it happens… all the time. SO… I don’t think I am an ASSHOLE… maybe I am. You know me.. you can let me know! I have to say, not knowing who the players are, and not being at the dance myself, but just as a hypothetical, I could see this same scenario happening with me and my (hopefully not, ASSHOLE, but who knows) daughter. Mrs. M in kindergarten is SURE to call me Dr. every chance she gets. She knows I prefer it… well, I would prefer Dena… but of the options, I think Dr is most appropriate. Food for thought…..

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