6 Ways to Raise an As$%*le

It’s come to my attention that children are huge douchebags these days….

As parents, we need to be diligent about how we are handling our precious little cherubs.

We have to be careful about what kind of monsters we are raising. They are very impressionable.  If our behavior is horrific, what kind of behavior will they exhibit?

Here are 6 sure-fire ways to raise a huge douche-bag….

#1 -Hover

I had the luxurious opportunity Friday night of bringing  my 3rd grader and his friend to the school dance.  Parents were instructed that this was not a drop off event.  We were informed that an “adult lounge” area would be available for parents to sit and relax while their children did “The Whip” in the gymnasium.

Like a smart, level-headed woman I found this as an opportunity to catch up on my latest issue of US Weekly.  I arrived with the kids, said goodbye, and headed to the couch area.  I was the first to the arrive in the “adult lounge.” I settled in and started to read my magazine, anticipating being interupted by all the parents that were sure to join me throughout the 2 hour event.

Well….I was the only!! parent to take advantage of the “adult lounge.”

Where were all of the other parents??

They were feeding their children pizza and standing in the sweaty gym for two solid hours watching the children do the Macerana.

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Here I am safely behind the green table reading about what’s happening in Hollywood while all these other people interact with their children and each other like huge morons.

Sometimes parents would walk by and wave, but never would they leave their precious child’s side.

I started to feel weird and guilty.

Finally, towards the end of the evening – one mother came over and said “Wow, you are really dedicated to the lounge! How old are your kids?” with a hint of mockery and a “you are a bad mother” tone.

“Well they are 8 and 10 and they are totally fine in the school gymnasium across the hallway,” I answered with a hint of sarcasm and a tone of …

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Listen people – if you can’t tear yourself away from your child when they are in a school event in their elementary school, then what will happen when they go to middle school? This is an opportunity to let your kids have some fun without your dysfunctional hovering. Let them have some independence…or you might find that they are socially inept and weird at their next school dance.

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#2 – Be a fucking asshole about your degrees:

So unfortunately, there were a couple of parents that did in fact, venture into the lounge to test out how it felt to not have children.  One mother sat akwardly next to me and ate salad quietly.

I obviously pretended I was blind,   pretended I didn’t speak English    welcomed her to the lounge 

kept reading my magazine.

Shortly thereafter her 5th grade daughter bounced over with her friend. The friend said “Hi Mrs. Smith!” with polite excitement.

The record screeched and the daughter whipped her head towards her 11-year-old friend and said with horror, “Molly! It’s DOCTOR Smith!!!”

Poor Molly got nervous and red-in-the-face. “Err..sorry…” she muttered.

The intruder of the lounge  nobel prize winning OB GYN mother, answered calmly.   “It’s okay Molly, but… it is…. Dr. Smith.”

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It took everything I had not to knock the salad fork out of her hand and slap the shit out of this fucking asshole.

WHO FUCKING CARES? YOU NARCISSTIC CUNT.

I don’t care that your a doctor, nor does anybody in this whole building.  I am sure even your own patients don’t care that you’re a doctor unless you are prescribing them a prescription for their yeast infection… So what makes you think that an 11-year-old girl gives two flying fucks about your degree??

Now you are teaching your child and your child’s friend that is okay to be a rude bitch and make a scene everytime someone doesn’t recognize and stroke your huge ego??

You are a stupid asshole.

Very soon…

Your child will be one too.

#3 – Do Not let your child mow the lawn:

A very horrific thing happened to a friend this week.  Her children went to a friend’s house and when she picked up the children the mother relayed the bad news.

“When my kids were picking up and doing their chores, your kids said “We have a cleaning lady that does that.”

“I was so embarassed!” she relayed the story to me.

“Well don’t your kids do chores? Like I make my kids empty the dishwasher,” I suggested.

“But it’s just easier if I do it myself! And the cleaning lady just dusts and helps put clothes away.” she said with exasperation.

I am guilty of this too.  Often I am emptying the dishwasher or taking out the garbage because it’s just easier than interupting the kid’s from watching their show or playing.  Sometimes I think they might break a glass or stab themselves with a knife, so I just set the table myself.

What are we doing?

“I mowed the lawn, when I was their age, I don’t know how this happened,” my friend said sadly.

Well it happened because we are assholes that don’t want to disturb or upset our children.

It happened because we take our hard-earned money and pay cleaning ladies when we clearly have live-in help that we are not utilizing.

It happened because our children are spoiled brats that need to learn what it’s like to do something unpleasant like dusting or cleaning a toilet or mowing a lawn.

My brother recently asked if my 10 year old son could mow his lawn this summer, and I was horrified by such a suggestion.

“He could lose a limb! Plus he will be busy swimming at the beach and going to camp!” I answered with righteous indignation.

But yet when I was growing up – every boy I knew mowed the lawn.  And the image of a boy mowing the lawn was a romantic cool one…

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We need to make this happen.

#4 – When your child is a dick do not acknowledge or accept it:

A friend mentioned this week that her child was involved in a playground scuffle.  Her child hurt another child (under the guise of playing cops and robbers.) The mother of the beaten child wanted to meet to discuss this unfortunate situation.

“Just tell her that you’re horrified by his behavior – that’s what she wants to hear.,” I mentored her before the meeting.

“Well -I am not sure if I am going to punish my son…I am not sure he did anything wrong.” she said pensively.

Listen – I get it.  Sometimes I don’t think that my kids did anything that bad, but I at least pretend.

 

Let’s not just turn a blind eye to our children’s bad behavior!! When they act like stupid assholes we need to recognize it. Sometimes my kids don’t even do anything that bad – and I punish them anyways – just because when they are in their room I can enjoy my life.

Don’t forget when the children are banished to their rooms that is more time for us to use the ipad and the television without disruption and drink a glass 2 glasses a bottle of wine!!!

Punishment is a good thing!

 

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#5 – Solve all of their problems:

Recently I heard a story of a Goopville mother who pulled her child out of middle school in February and switched the child to another school.

The child’s friends were being mean to him.

The obvious solution after close examination was to swoop in and safely rescue the child and remove him from this very precarious situation.

As a person, that as a very small child had enemies, I can recognize the unpleasantness of going to school and finding that people hate you.  I had resting bitchy face even as a small child, so I was often met with girls that hated me or wanted to beat me up.

Since I was born, my face betrayed me. I am not and have never been capable of hiding my emotions, and my emotions are often….well……contrary.

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Many times girls at school threatened to beat me up. I would go home and tell my mother that I couldn’t go to school due to the pending beat-down.  She would laugh in my face and send me to school.

I was furious with my mother for not feeling bad for me or protecting me.

As a result –  I talked my way out of many beatings – thank God.  In hindsight – my mother forced me to face a very bad scary situation.  She was right to ignore my cries for help.  She was right to make me go to school and face life head on. This was an important lesson in coping and handling relationships with angry and disgruntled enemies.  This would not be the last time that someone wanted to beat me up.

Nowadays this would never happen.  We would all be driving our precious angels to school and then banging on the principal’s door demanding protection and justice for our helpless children.  We would be quickly switching schools.

If you want to be sure that your kid is a wimpy loser that can’t stick up for himself, be sure to fight his battles and swiftly remove him from any and all unpleasant situations.

#6 – Do not comb their hair.

I have said this time and time again.

Parents today believe that they are helping their children by allowing them the liberty and freedom to pick out mismatched clothing and not comb their hair because “they don’t like it.”

By not teaching your children that proper grooming is a necessary and important task – you will be developing a human being that will grow up to be a beast that looks homeless and doesn’t care at all about his or her appearance.

Their self-important message to society will be “I don’t care that I have lice and a rat’s nest on top of my head and that I am wearing my pajamas during the daylight hours, fuck you.”

Is this the type of person you want to be responsible for?

Will they be able to present themselves properly on a date or a job interview? What is your end game here parents?

Think twice about this.  Wake up a few minutes earlier – and comb your kids’ hair and help them pick out proper clothing.

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This will be your child at age 20 shopping for apples…I hope your happy.

AS USUAL I AM OFFERING VERY GOOD PARENTING TIPS! YOU ARE VERY WELCOME – PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK – I THINK THIS MIGHT HELP TODAY’S PARENTS!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

2 thoughts on “6 Ways to Raise an As$%*le

  1. I agree wholeheartedly with everything you said! I pride myself on not being a helicopter parent and the result is that some think I am an uncaring and unfeeling mother, which is mostly true too, but at least my kids will be self sufficient! Love your blog! I would not beat you up.

  2. In total agreement! As a teacher, I often find myself having conversations with helicopter parents. On one such occasion, a parent of a Middle School 12 year old was thinking about not sending her daughter on a school trip for fear that I would let her go to the public bathroom by herself. Really people? Would you like me to wipe her ass while I’m at it? PARENTS NEED TO GET A GRIP AND A LIFE OF THEIR OWN!!!

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