This week is possibly one of the worst weeks for mothers of school-aged children.
We all laugh and pretend like we want our children to go back to school – which we kind of do – but the end of summer inevitably means a return to institutionalized parenting.
There are other things that happen at the end of the summer too – that make a woman realize that life after August is just not worth living –
Here are some signs that show themselves towards the end of summer that alert us that our life is horrible…
#1 – Your Jeans no longer fit comfortably:
After a summer of wearing loose cover-ups and linen drawstring pants while downing daily
Every other day daily cocktails and fried clams and lobster rolls, suddenly the end of summer comes along and we are expected to wear proper clothing.
That first time I go to squeeze myself into jeans each September, is an unsettling wake up call that my body has not responded well to the summer abuse that I have put it through.
It used to be that the summer was my “skinny time.” The heat would turn my stomach so that I could go an entire day with just a nectarine, an ice cream, a pretzel and some Crystal Light lemonade and be totally fulfilled. During my teens and 20’s I sadly thought I was obese but in fact was skinny and young and beautiful.
My how the tables have turned.
Those days are over. I now spend my summer months imbibing with summery drinks and frosty beers. I enjoy lobster everything. I will never turn down a sandwich or breakfast that involves lobster or seafood…..This week I went out to breakfast. I skimmed over the “light fare” options that involved egg whites and kale and went right for the good stuff…The Lobster Eggs Benedict.
I may or may not have add a couple bites of Sam’s chocolate chip pancakes too.
So needless to say – when my friends invite me for “end of summer” drinks and I go to put on my tight jeans, I am met with an epic battle to get them on.
No amount of lotions or oils or powders can squeeze my obese thighs and buttocks into those bad boys – that fit perfectly – just a mere 10 weeks ago…
#2 – Apparently your children were supposed to read over the summer:
I mean I am trying to relax during the summer. Relaxing for me, does not include, chasing around my children with math workbooks and novels for them to read.
Inevitably, the last week of August comes around each year and we all take a gander at the old reading list report that’s due on the first day of school and realize that we are totally fucked.
No human that’s 9 years of age is capable of reading like 20 books in a week, so we have to just put our head between our legs and go back to school with a pitiful excuse for a summer reading log.
I counted and there are 19 empty spaces on Sam’s reading log.
I am assuming that’s not good.
I kind of don’t care.
He has a great tan and enjoyed many swims and ice creams over these past couple months….does that count for anything??
#3 – You have to catch up on laundering people’s clothing and bedding:
In the summer – I am not so finicky about how my kids dress. Sometimes they match – sometimes they don’t. They basically wear Under Armour or Nike shorts all summer long with a t-shirt and a flip-flop. I don’t make them wear khaki shorts or Polo shirts. Even if we go out to dinner – everything is pretty casual.
Also – they often play outside until dark. Sometimes they are playing on the beach at night. When they roll home at 9 PM I am often
drunk very tired fat not interested in bathing them or washing their feet. I do what anyone who wants peace and happiness in their life would do. I send them to bed dirty.
Sometimes the next day I think “I should wash their sheets,” and then I remember that they will just be going out to play on the beach again that night- so I put it off.
Sometimes I put it off a lot.
The other night, I sent the kids to bed and Sam came wandering out to the living room where I was watching television.
“I have to sleep in your bed, I tried to go in my bed but I can’t take it anymore.” he said matter-of-factly.
“Take what?” I asked innocently.
“All the sand!!! There’s like pounds of sand in my bed!” he exclaimed as he headed off to my bed completely filthy and covered in sand.
“Ugh – fine!! I’ll wash your sheets tomorrow!” I called after him.
“And my comforter!” he called back.
“And my pillows – because Michael pushed me the other night and I fell on my head on the beach and my pillow is sandy now!
This is just too much work.
Children in beach communities should acclimate themselves to sleeping in sandpiles. For God sakes.
#4 – Lunches need to be prepared:
Nobody ever told me when I allowed my husband’s sperm to travel towards my uterus that I was committing to lunch preparations every single day for at least ten years. It’s annoying and stupid. There should just be breakfast and dinner. That’s sufficient.
Ok fine, breakfast, some goldfish and maybe an apple for snack and then a nice hefty dinner.
This constant eating. It’s just too much.
During the summer – I kind of drop the ball in the nutrition department. There’s a lot of Nutella and fluff sandwiches. There may or may not be a daily ice cream from the ice cream man because I am too lazy to cut up fresh fruit for snacks.
I know that during the school year I am responsible as a mother, for providing a healthy lunch for my little angels. I need to provide a healthy lunch due to guilt – but also because the teachers in the lunch room of my children’s cafeteria have the nerve to award children when they are eating a healthy lunch.
Can you imagine the nerve of these cafeteria nazis? They peer into the kids’ lunch boxes and if they see grapes and kale sandwiches they put the child’s name on a “Healthy Eating Award” bulletin board in the hallway.
Can you believe this shit?
The harsh reality set in when I got a notification that my child’s school meal plan needed money added to it. I usually have to put $60 into their account per month on top of spending millions of dollars in the grocery store and at BJ’s.
It doesn’t seem like a big deal to make children a lunch. But somehow, it really sucks. Michael will be going to middle school this year which means that my morning begins 3o minutes earlier than it did last year. That’s 30 minutes less sleeping time and 30 minutes less time to slap some shit together that will nourish my child that’s not made out of high fructose corn syrup or parabens.
I don’t want to do it.
And starting tomorrow, I have to do it for just…180 days…until I get a break.
#5 – Fall sports start in the Summer:
Before you all start judging me for drinking and eating too much…and making my children sleep in filthy sheets with sandcastles in them….
I am good enough of a mother that I at least sign up my children for fall activities and sports.
So when I sign up the children for FALL baseball and FALL soccer…I am assuming that I will be notified regarding practices and games at some point during September. Imagine my horror when I get email notifications telling me that my children need to be reporting to games and practices beginning mid-August!
In the blazing sun.
On days that should only be spent on a beach…I see no reason to be tortured in a patch of sweaty grass watching children run around in circles throwing or kicking a ball.
Thankfully, Mr. Gaga is willing to participate in summer sport obligations….because I am not getting off of the beach. This is fucking bullshit.
Today, after missing 2 baseball games, I was guilted into attending for a short time.
Sweat poured down my face, down my chest and formed a sweat pool in my bra. This baseball is supposed to be America’s past-time? Are American barbarians that enjoy being hot and sweaty and bored?
What have I done in my life to deserve this??
#6 – You have to set an alarm:
When will this end? Is there a time ever happening in my life when I can close my eyeballs at my leisure and then open them at my leisure?
Are there people that actually do that?
I kind of do it in the summer – I only set my alarm to make sure the kids get to camp at 9 – so it’s not very painful.
Now Michael apparently needs to leave for school at 7:30, which means he needs to be up at least by 7:00. So essentially, we live in prison now. Since he goes to school practically in the middle of the night, our “lights-out”time has been pushed back to 8:00 PM.
Apparently, staying up watching America’s Got Talent with them until 11 PM and then all getting into my bed and taking selfies for a half hour will be frowned upon by the middle school teachers.
HAPPY FALL!! IN AUGUST!!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA