In Goopville, everybody who’s anybody has a ski house.
Skiing is pretty serious business around here.
And everyone is beyond devastated that there hasn’t been any snow this season! I spoke to someone at a party this weekend and he said “This is the first time in 20 years that I haven’t been skiing over break!” while he sipped his red wine.
I tried to make plans with a friend in the fall and she said it had to be before December or after March or on a Thursday. This is the reality for Goopville residents. (I obviously chose to party hard on a Thursday – but still….)
After the holidays, it is pretty much a given that at least half the people we know will be skiing on weekends. They will not be available for any social functions, sports, birthdays, etc until at least March, and they don’t waiver or change their plans.
I get it. I do the same thing with the beach in the summer. I disappear and don’t see anyone because sun and surf is my priority.
However, just like everything else, these women will make you think that skiing is so very important and “so great for the kids.” They will make you think you are doing your children a disservice by not obliging their inner desires to go shooting down an icy cliff all weekend.
They will do their obligatory selfies on the chair lift and post them on social media – trying to make people think that they are Peekaboo Street. They will have top of the line ski clothing and boots and goggles. It’s so ridiculous and over the top – that every winter
I eat too much comfort food and feel guilty I drink too much red wine and feel guilty I feel almost feel guilty for not taking my kids skiing!
Like a fool – I, the all-knowing, Goopville mom, that isn’t easily fooled by Goopville’s ways, found myself on a ski trip last year with my family. I also signed up my children for “Ski Club” at their schools and found myself chaperoning as “lodge mom” for 5 weeks last year. While none of this changed my opinion about how horrible this sport is – luck would have it that my children enjoy this icy cold torture.
So, what do you know, last week I found myself back in the lodge sweating bullets while I tried to buckle ski boots and find lost helmets and gloves for hundreds of middle schoolers, in my chaperone role. To say that letting loose an entire double-decker bus filled with pre-teens with skis and snowboards is mass hysteria is putting it lightly. It is a complete and utter wet and cold nightmare that goes from 2 PM until 5:30 PM. At which point, all of said children return to the lodge, throw their shit everywhere and then spend hundreds of dollars on $6 fries and $10 burgers, before they head back to the bus.
It’s too much.
I find it absolutely horrific.
And before you start thinking this is all about sour grapes because I don’t have a ski house….
I skied my whole life, my parents were nice enough to buy me ski equipment and rent ski houses and introduce me to skiing at a young age. In high school, I was lucky enough to have several friends with homes in Vermont and spent many weekends skiing with friends, too.
I know all about skiing and what it entails. I suppose I enjoyed it somewhat at some point…but I think I was a reckless teen that didn’t worry about breaking my leg or being cold. Now in my old age it just seems like a whole other thing to take on.
Don’t I do enough? I could break a hip!!
I enjoy warmth.
So I will let my kids ski. I will chaperone their dumb ski club. I am even going away for a ski weekend with friends. But do I have to fucking ski?? Is this necessary? Can’t I just “apres-ski” like all day? I hope so – because that’s my plan.
Here are 6 reasons why I will never ski again.
#1 BEING COLD SUCKS:
Who finds this enjoyable? Who finds this even tolerable? I know that with the proper clothing – you can keep your body somewhat warm, but then when you layer all those Under Armours and sweaters – you look really fat!!!
I am old and cold!
And even with all of my extra body fat – it’s just not fun to be cold. Is their anything better than being home on the couch in warm comfy pj’s and a blanket binge-watching a show in the comfort and warmth of your home?
#2 I CAN THINK OF OTHER WAYS OF SPENDING 3 THOUSAND DOLLARS:
By the time you get all that rental shit, and get some sort of cute and warm outfit for yourself, your children and your spouse you have spent like a thousand dollars.
Now you need to buy lift tickets for $500 and also you need to either buy a house for millions or rent a house for thousands….either way – this is a very expensive sort of torture.
If I have $5000 to burn – doesn’t this:
Seem more relaxing than this:
#3 THE CHAIR LIFT COULD KILL YOU AT ANY MOMENT:
When I was young I was terrified that I would fall when dismounting from the chair lift…
The thing goes at warp speeds and you have to jump off at just the right moment. It’s so stressful.
Often the area is slick and icy from people dismounting all day.
You could hop off the chair and get tangled up with other people that were on the chair with you or you can crash right into a group of people that got off before you…
You can get off really fast and go careening into the woods….
One time my best friend was minding her own business on the bunny hill and someone dropped a ski from above her on the chairlift and it hit her in the head and practically knocked her out.
There are endless ways this chair can torture your life.
#4 IF THE CHAIRLIFT DOESN’T KILL YOU THERE’S PLENTY OF OTHER WAYS TO DIE:
I’m sorry but I just don’t know why it’s fun to risk your life in freezing temperatures. At any point during this “leisurely” trip down a FUCKING ICE MOUNTAIN, the little fiberglass things attached to your feet can start doing their own thing and you can find yourself shooting down a mountain uncontrollably.
You might even lose your skiis completely and go down the whole mountain on your stomach like Lane from Better off Dead…
I’m sorry if the prospect of ending up like Sonny Bono doesn’t sound fun to me.
I could break a hip!
I have perfectly good sneakers that can walk perfectly well on flat dry grounds….I’m fine with that.
#5 EVEN IF YOU’RE REALLY GOOD – YOU CAN STILL DIE
So the end result of anyone spending 10,000 hours doing a sport is that you will become really good and show the world that you are the best!
I hate to tell Goopville moms -but that’s none of you – just so we are clear.
But if you are super-duper at your skiing – you can do fun activities like go down a mountain filled with icy mounds of snow.
If you become a professional – then you can look forward to this…
#5 I DON’T ENJOY WALKING AROUND LIKE IRON MAN:
After all of this masochistic sporting is over with -you get to take off your skiis and go back to some weird lodge and walk around in your ski boots.
Said boots are cumbersome and made out of hard plastics that cut into your ankle and make it impossible to walk normally.
If you enjoy walking into social settings like a robot made of iron, then “Apres-ski” is for you….
#6 SPEAKING OF APRES-SKI – I CAN DRINK JUST FINE AT HOME:
“Oh – even if you don’t love skiing – you can “apres-ski”!” my friends tell me excitedly.
“You can go to the lodge and have hot chocolate and wine!” they say passionately.
So let me get this straight – your idea of fun is spending $5000 so that you can narrowly avoid death all day in freezing temperatures in a Moncler jacket and then walk into a bar like a Transformer, and then drink a fucking Bailey’s and coffee?
I can “apres-homework” or “apres-the kids go to bed” or “apres work” perfectly fine in my home in normal clothing without a strange fiberglass boot on my foot.
It sounds great.
HAVE FUN SKIING THIS SEASON IN BELOW ZERO TEMPS!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA