Fall is officially here. September is a slow tease. You wear a sweater and UGGS in the morning to drop of your children and by noon you are sweating your balls off and trying to get a tan on your lunch hour.
This is the first week that I really knew I had no right to wear flip-flops.
Today I enjoyed the fall air as I followed my children around in a corn maze for what can only be described as 30 minutes of panic, pretending that we knew where the exit was.
Even though I am not mentally prepared for the end of summer….it’s unavoidable.
What can I do but succumb to the seasonal change? I have to just look for something positive in this….
So here are some reasons I am happy that the summer is over:
I HAVE NO REAL REASON TO SHAVE MY ARMPITS OR LEGS:
This is much to Mr. Gaga’s dismay.
Most men would probably like their wives to remain hairless and groomed year-round – but that’s not necessarily in the cards for my husband. I don’t really care.
If I am being honest – I don’t think these men would be so quick to wax and tweeze and shave if the tables were turned.
I mean it’s fucking annoying and it can be painful!!
Growing hair is just so much easier…..
It’s just that when I get into the shower, I am just sooo tired and relaxed. The thought of bending over in 50 different positions to shave my huge thighs seems overwhelming…..And to shave an armpit?? That’s just too much.
During the fall and winter, knowing that I will not be wearing a bathing suit for 8 months, I can safely put my hairy legs into a pant leg and then cover it with a riding boot. It’s a real relief.
I DON’T HAVE TO BE A NURSE:
I mean I don’t recall thinking that when I allowed my husband to impregnate me that I would have to morph into a full-time nurse.
My children wear flip-flops all summer and ride bikes and scooters at warp speeds, often ending in disaster. They get into fights at the park, they get ear infections and swimmer’s ear, they stub their toes.
They get eaten and bitten by bugs and jellyfish, they get poison ivy. The amount of injuries and rashes are obscene and disgusting.
I now have a medical bag filled with various ointments, bandages and gauze wraps that would rival Florence Nightingale’s.
Yet I don’t really have the stomach for all of this.
I am ill-equipped for children that drive their bicycles at full-speed ahead into a stone wall…..
I also not prepared mentally for children that decide to go “crabbing in a creek” and come home the next day with a rash that is called impetigo. This is a rash that is the worst thing that you can ever find on WebMD. I won’t even show it here, because you will want to vomit. Like I do every day.
So, some pants, closed toed shoes and sitting safely at desks all day might actually be nice for a change.
I CAN LIVE OFF OF APPLES AND PUMPKINS:
Even though I scoff at all of the pumpkin shit that crops up each year….
I can’t resist.
Once it gets even a little chilly – I am running for my Starbucks pumpkin latte.
I don’t know what happens….During the summer I am happy with a cucumber water and possibly some strawberries. The thought of a hot beverage or whipped cream is utterly disgusting. Suddenly, October comes and it’s all I can think about.
And then…there’s the other delights…
I purchased pumpkin chips at Whole Foods that are quite good!!
They are gluten free!! That means they must be good for me.
And today I went to Stew Leonard’s and who am I to turn away from free pumpkin soft serve ice cream??
There’s the pumpkin muffins and the pumpkin donuts at Dunkin and the
Of course – we went apple picking too, and so that’s the green light to make apple crisp and apple pie
to eat all by myself for breakfast for the children.
It’s an endless harvested fruit cycle of doom.
WE STILL HAVE ONE MORE DEBATE TO WATCH:
I mean what did we do to deserve this type of entertainment.
You might think I am referring to the endless jokes that can come from watching Donald Trump and Hilary…but I am not.
I am talking about the gift from God that’s called…
Here he is calmly sitting during the debate in his finest red cardigan.
He has become a media sensation in just under 24 hours – because quite frankly – I think we will focus on anything at this point – besides the shitshow that our political lives have become.
When questioned on his outfit – things just got so much better….
I don’t think we could even dream of making this shit up.
drink less GO BACK TO DRINKING RED WINE:
Between day drinking on the Tropical Breeze, and the endless barbecues, the pounds start to creep up.
Harmless day drinking over fourth of July weekend out on the open sea, slowly turns into a nasty habit, and by August looks like this:
Before I know it – inevitably by Labor Day, I can barely button my pants.
We eat ice cream and appetizers and fried clam dinners with reckless abandon. And then on top of it- only Fisher’s Island lemonades or frothy margaritas go with these summer dinners in the humid and hot weather.
So now that the air is a little crisper, I can go back to drinking something respectable and appropriate
for a Tuesday…red wine.
It is totally good for my heart if I drink one glass of red wine a day!!!
I mean sometimes I drink a smidge more….
So what happens in the summer is, I lose interest in keeping the kids on lock-down.
We start off the summer well.
I totally know where they are. I feed them dinner and lunch. They are eating fresh vegetables and fruit, getting fresh air and vitamin D, and reading their books at night.
That all very quickly falls apart.
Before I know it, I am throwing hot dogs onto paper plates and they have forgotten how to spell their last names.
We have had a great summer at the beach, but now we are fat, (very tan) morons.
It’s time for me to buckle down as a mother and make them read and write and be upstanding members of society. I might even help them with their math homework!!
The beach has been good for our souls and our mental health but it’s time for a reality check…..
There’s 230 days until Memorial Day 2017!!! If you are looking for me I will be the hairy mom drinking hot beverages helping my children with their homework;)
xo, Lady goo goo gaga