5 Toys Not to Buy this Christmas

We all get excited when we are shopping for our children at Christmas time.  We see a lot of great sales and we have our lists of toys that we want to shower our little precious children with.  Sometimes we don’t always make wise choices.

I am here to warn you about a couple of bad purchases that can be easily avoided.  Stick to smart purchases like board games and pajamas.  Do not purchase anything on the list below – or I promise you will be sorry….



Are we really doing this?

I mean I know we are super excited to pretend that our child is Marty McFly -but this is not the Jetsons. We are not there yet!! We should still be walking!! Have you noticed how fat we all are??

The Jetsons and Marty McFly were tiny little skinny people who could afford to stand still all day!


Actually - now that I took a closer look - this Ellroy Jetson is a little pudgy!! He could use a long walk if you ask me!!
Actually – now that I took a closer look – this Ellroy Jetson is packing on the LBS!! He could use a long walk if you ask me!!

To the tune of $400 plus dollars – all I see is a generation of fat shits with atrophy in their leg muscles.

“No – it’s good – it’s really good quality and it plays music,” my best friend assured me, after I told her all of our children would be obese soon.

Do children really need music playing while they travel somewhere? Somewhere, by the way, that they should be travelling on foot to?

A destination that in olden times they would possibly ride a bicycle to but they are now too fat and lazy and their parents are too indulgent – so they are standing still – hovering somewhere to music.

This is a bad idea people.

This is what they will grow up to be…..only fatter:



Ok first of all – this shit is expensive.

Second of all – let me explain to you – how things go with the LEGO SET:

One box that Sam asked Santa for is $120.00.  He will open that box the day after Christmas and he will take out of all the “guys” and play with them with an old set for a day.

Mr. Gaga and Michael will say they will help him with the set the following day – so they will open a bunch of bags of legos  ( that add up to over one thousand! pieces.) Imagine one thousand! pieces of anything – in your house, on your floor, on your stairs, in your kitchen, in your coffee, in your toilet….the pieces travel.

For the rest of your life, after just one of these thousand piece sets has been opened in your home, you will step on LEGOS in unexpected places with your bare feet. You will want to die.

The item will be put together in a few days.  During this time the item and all of the loose pieces will be on your dining room or kitchen table or on a large area of floor in your home.

Do not have guests during this time.   Any attempt to move or displace this production will be met with screams and tears.

When the production is complete -it will need to be transported to a safe spot where nobody will ever touch it.

It is in this “safe area” that it will begun to collect dust.

If you are foolish enough, like me, to buy more than one of these items – then you will find that your home is filled with these displays.

And then your child will ask for another $100 lego set.

Because he’s bored.

You will refuse to shell out anymore money for these sets, and your child will cleverly save his birthday money or allowance and purchase one himself.

There will be no end in sight for many years.

Don’t go down this road.

I am warning you.



What are you an asshole?

I’m sure George Lucas will be thrilled when you shell out over $1oo for a humongous Darth Vader to join your family, but let’s think about this.

What on earth will your child do with this senseless robot?


Will this guy clean your house or make dinner?

Will he fold your laundry?


He’s just going to stand around saying stupid shit like “The force is with you.”

Why on earth would you let yet another useless being, that does nothing to help you and just says annoying things, into your home?

Don’t you already live with people like that??

Do not waste your money.

Your child will press every button on this guy all of Christmas Day and then you will find that he serves as a dust-collecting asshole for the rest of the year.


Think this through.

If you enjoy vacuuming and picking up steaming hot piles of shit – then this is for you.

I know we all envision the joy that a new little fluffy puppy will bring our little angels on Christmas morning…


But think past that precious moment.

Think of the dog hair on your clothes and furniture.

Think of trying to leave for a weekend and paying for a dog sitter.

Think of when the dog gets sick and you have to pay thousands of dollars to a vet.

Think of stepping in dog shit regularly.

Does this look good to you??
Does this look good to you??

Do not do this to yourself.


“Mom there’s a doll that you feed and then put on the potty and she poops and then you feed her the poops and then she poops again…” Sam told me the other day.

I didn’t believe him.

Because obviously that’s horrific and disturbing.

Sadly, he wasn’t lying.

This homeless piece of shit will poop on call for your little loved one…


Not to worry! Her poops are fabulous!


When you are done watching her shit her brains out – you can scoop up the star-spangled poops and then feed them to her – and then she will poop again!!!

Isn’t it great?!



Do NOT purchase a doll that eats shit!

I am begging you.

In closing – as usual I have directed you, as best as I can, to avoid making irreversible errors in judgement.

If you choose to disregard all of my stellar shopping advice…well…..



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