I cannot believe it, but Memorial Day is over.
This weekend is what I dream about in January when I am scraping ice off of my windshield for the 50th time. At that point in the year it seems so far away. I have lots of plans during the winter. I have a dreamy list of tasks and goals that I will fulfill by the summer.
Many of them do not come to fruition.
Here I am again, faced with another summer around the bend, and I have a ton of shit to do. Technically speaking, school is not over, and the real first day of summer isn’t until the end of June. There’s still time.
Here are some things I think I
still have time for….
DRINKING EVERYDAY DRINKING DURING THE WEEK DRINKING:
Clearly this is a lofty goal, but depending on how fat I am or if it’s during the holidays and I find myself drinking too regularly, I decide I should become sober.
Generally speaking, this lasts one day. I will be resolute in my attempt to stay sober.
I will not drink on Monday. I will not drink on Tuesday.
By Wednesday I will watch a movie with Europeans smoking and drinking, and I will think – “I should drink wine!! What am I a loser?”
And if I don’t lose the taste for alcohol now – then what will happen in July when frozen margaritas and icy cold Coronas are everywhere? I will be doomed.
tonight I can stop drinking until July Memorial Day weekend and then again until July.
I think that’s a good plan.
PUT AWAY AND ORGANIZE WINTER CLOTHES:
It’s one thing when you are only responsible for yourself.
It’s hard enough for me to get sick of looking at UGGS in my closet every time I reach for my flip flops, enough for me to put them away somewhere.
Since I live in Connecticut – (where just last week! I was wearing UGGS and my winter coat and gloves at my son’s baseball game) and this week we are slated to have 80 degree days – it’s hard to really pinpoint when to put your winter clothes away.
Once the winter clothes are away – it will immediately be a winter freeze and I will have to layer all of my summer clothes – which is unattractive and uncomfortable. Life in the northeast is hard.
On top of my own winter clothes and shoes, I also have to weed through my children’s and my husband’s clothes and try to figure out what no longer fits – what will fit next winter -etc. and then put it all somewhere. (AKA bags of shit in the garage and tupperwares filled with clothes all over the house that nobody ever puts away for the summer.)
Next thing I know – it’s September and there are still tupperwares filled with winter clothes in the hallway upstairs.
Clearly at this point, the only intelligent thing to do is to keep them there for cold fall days – so then we can dig into them at our leisure.
So you see – how this cycle goes.
But it’s too much to ask!!
Do you think rich celebs are putting their winter coats away??
There has to be a better way!!
Ok fine – I will put my winter clothes away this week!
Last year, Mr. Gaga and I went to Miami for a luxurious getaway and I went on a crash diet and lost weight before the trip. It was extremely difficult because I am very bad at dieting.
Every September, when I am putting away my summer clothes, I hold my motherly bathing suits and consider throwing them in the garbage.
I think “I should just throw this in the garbage right now – because I am no longer going to drink or eat food and I am going to run 8 miles a day, so I will be wearing a string bikini next summer.
When I am emaciated I will wear the skimpiest bathing suit I can find….
I might even go for my 8 mile runs on the beach IN MY BIKINI!!
Needless to say – I find myself back on the Lands End website each May purchasing appropriate swimwear for my mom bod.
Once that happens – I am doomed.
The safe comfort and cover that a mom bathing suit provides – allows me to continue to eat ice cream and other summer delights as well as enjoy summery cocktails…
But yet, it’s only May 29th.
There’s time. I have yet to purchase a new bathing suit! I will give up McDonalds!!
I will start my 8-mile runs and stop eating food tomorrow!!
HELP MY CHILDREN WITH THEIR SCHOOLWORK:
This is just not my forte’.
Consistently throughout the year, Sam’s teacher has gently suggested that I help Sam with his math skills.
“Have him figure out the tip at the restaurant or make change at the store!” she suggested, as though these were feasible ideas.
I am in a rush in the restaurant and store usually – and don’t have time or interest for fucking arithmetic games.
“Do flash cards for just 5 minutes a day!” she said lightly, as though I have five minutes to help her with her failures.
Because quite frankly, when I am doing extra math homework, in my mind, I am making up for the teacher’s failures.
It’s not my kid’s fault that he’s dumb as a bag of rocks – that’s your problem Mrs. “I decided to be a teacher
so i could have my summers off.”
I didn’t sign up for teaching.
I barely signed up for mothering.
So guess what.
I threw the flashcards in the garbage. I am not proud of this. I know it is bad parenting, but they were loose in the junk drawer and causing a mess more than they were helping anyone.
I just don’t want to be a teacher! There I said it.
And also – since we are being honest – I am horrible at math!!
Whenever I do “help” with the homework – I don’t know the answers!! I just end up saying everything is right so that we can finish and I can go back to
folding the laundry watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
I simply don’t want to teach my child how to divide or multiply.
I don’t want to.
It’s only May.
We can catch up.
I can start doing math problems with Sam tomorrow!!! So he won’t be behind!!!
ORGANIZE MY PHOTOGRAPHS:
I enjoy my iPhone. I take a lot of selfies and pictures of my children.
If you ask anyone – I am like the goddamn paparazzi.
But then what?
After I post on Facebook or Instagram – then what do I do with all of this photographic evidence of my life?
It sits in my iPhone until I run out of storage.
Then I frantically go back through the 12 months of photos deleting anything I deem unworthy of my storage.
I will download and store my photos in a timely fashion!!!
I will print those that are good and frame them!!
I will put them into photo albums and display them proudly in my living room!!
It’s Memorial Day weekend and I still haven’t downloaded pictures from last summer.
Where does the time go?!
So – yes I may or may not still have the baby pictures framed and displayed.
Yes – Michael may or may not be turning 11 this year – but if you walked into my home – you would think I had only newborn babies.
I just. Don’t have the time. Don’t have the energy.
Let’s hope my iPhone doesn’t fall down a sewer.
I have a few weeks.
I will start downloading tomorrow!!!
TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY – AND 22 DAYS UNTIL IT’S SUMMER!!!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA…