Thanksgiving is a day as Mr. Gaga put it so perfectly “really tests our marriage.”
I host a run in the morning. What started as 12 runners, has evolved over the years to become a much larger group. There are a lot of the details and task involved with this event. The signs and maps outlining the route, the bagels and the coffee that needs to be served, the trophies, the waivers that need signing, the music, the water bottles, all of it….
Mr. Gaga helps me – but I get a little stressed because I also know that after the run I have to host Thanksgiving dinner for 18 people. Whenever I have a little anxiety – I may or may not behave irrationally.
In the end, this year, I had 85 runners at my house and we raised money for a lovely charity, I ran my fastest time ever, and our dinner was lovely and our marriage remained in tact.
I am so grateful to have the loving support of my husband each year on Thanksgiving, I am so happy on Thanksgiving night as I drift off to sleep in a tryptophan cloud, I feel so blessed and happy.
So each year, when I wake up on the day that kicks off the season of greed and horror, known as Black Friday, I am blindsided anew by my husband’s inability to assist me with anything related to Christmas.
I actually looked back at past year’s to see what I have posted in December months on this blog, for fear of being redundant. I noticed a funny pattern. Each year, my husband pissed me off during the holiday season and each year I was very upset, as though I hadn’t seen it coming.
As though I didn’t experience the same thing each year. What’s wrong with me??
Each year, the only task this husband of mine will take ownership of is the outdoor Christmas lights.
That’s his job.
He does it well and without complaints – but after that shit is up.
He is done for the season.
We all had to go outside tonight and cheer for him that the lights were up and make him feel really great for all of his hard work.
Does anyone cheer for me after I do a solid 30 days of hard work for Christmas?
No they don’t.
The next task he will do that is remotely related to Christmas is removing the tree from the living room and throwing it on the curb.
This is why I am going to make a check list for all of you to get mentally prepared for what’s to come…
Read this list of things that your husband will not be doing this holiday season, and accept it and embrace it. I am here to give you the truth so that you can be better equipped to survive.
Don’t get upset.
Just know that nothing will change….and you will feel better. All of us women are in this together and we have to accept our fates.
5 THINGS YOUR HUSBAND WILL NOT BE DOING THIS HOLIDAY SEASON:
#1 – BUYING YOUR CHILDREN A GIFT:
In the midst of everything else I am doing on Thanksgiving – I simultaneously have things in my virtual carts ready for the click of my finger to order presents for all of those near and dear to us.
While I am basting a turkey and clearing plates, in the back of my mind I am thinking – I have to get that Black Friday sale on a ping pong table for my children!
This is a thought that would never cross Mr. Gaga’s mind – and I have given up long ago on his participation.
All I ask for is mild enthusiasm (even if it’s fake) for my accomplishments.
“So I got the kids a ping pong table for Christmas for half price!” I whispered to him after everything was cleaned up from Thanksgiving. When he grunted and kept watching the game, I nudged him.
“So I bought a box of ping pongs and I thought they can open those – and then they will be confused – but we will have the table set up in the garage!”
He continued to watch the football game and chuckled.
“Hello??” I said with exasperation.
“They are not called ‘ping pongs’….they are ping pong balls.” he said with disgust at my idiocy.
This is about all of the engagement I can hope for.
But joke’s on him, because guess who is going to be putting that shit together??
#2 – BUYING YOU A GIFT:
I mean I know that many of you will be flowered with luxurious gifts like in the movies – but that’s just not what happens around here.
If I am being fair – we habitually decide in November each year that we aren’t giving each other gifts and we pick something innocuous that we are purchasing – like a refrigerator or a vacation that will be “our gift.”
There’s something so magical and romantic about a real Christmas gift from your husband that he thought of on his own – with no help – and it’s perfect just because he loves you.
I would love to say that in a few years from now that we will go back to thoughtful gifting – but I have a feeling we will find ourselves in 8 straight years of “Our gift to each other is paying for our children’s college tuition.”
#3 – BUYING HIS PARENTS A GIFT:
I mean maybe I am speaking out of turn.
Maybe there are men out there that thoughtfully pick out a gift for their parents and siblings and aunts each year.
I personally don’t know any men that do that.
I am including Mr. Gaga, my brother and my father in that equation. If your spouse is engaged in gift-giving for his side of the family – then god bless.
But for the rest of us…
We can be found huddled over computers – carefully placing photos into calendars and photo books, choosing jeweled items for our children’s grandmothers and sisters and at Toys R’ Us for godchildren and nieces and nephews.
All while our husbands sleep with visions of sugarplums dance in their heads.
It’s fucking bullshit.
#4 – WRAPPING A GIFT:
Apparently during the holiday season – it becomes 1959.
Women are responsible for petty stupid tasks like wrapping gifts while the men drink scotch and watch football.
One time…just one time…I asked Mr. Gaga to wrap something and I will never make that mistake again.
Wrapping during the holidays is serious business. In the Gaga household, the children get special wrapping paper from Santa – and they each have their own kind to distinguish whose gift is whose. Then there is other wrapping paper that is for all of the gifts that
the family me and my husband I wrap for family and friends. Then of course, there are the gifts that cannot be wrapped and require a gift bag. I have to be sure to purchase gift bags of all different shapes and sizes to accommodate those gifts.
Then of course there is the name tagging and the bowing.
Those name tags and bows don’t just fall from the sky!! I have to purchase them and have them readily available for when I complete my back-breaking hours upon hours of wrapping.
Mr. Gaga knows nothing about any of this.
#5 – LICKING AN ENVELOPE OR ANYTHING ELSE TO DO WITH CARDS
This Christmas card situation has spiraled out of control.
This generation of parents have taken photography and the showmanship of the holiday card to a whole new level. So before we even get to the licking of the envelope there is a photo shoot session that is planned. There are appropriate and photo-worthy outfits that need to be chosen and purchased. There is a photo shoot location to be chosen.
When all of the photo-taking is complete there is the choosing of the best!! photos. Then when the BEST photos are chosen – there is the laborious task of the choosing of the card.
I personally find this difficult because I don’t like to choose a phrase that is not keeping with our personality as a family. I won’t choose a card that has a saying on it that does not apply to the personalities of myself or my children. This puts a wrench in things….
This guideline rules out the following cards:
“Merry and Bright” (so you are happy and smart?? That’s obnoxious.)
“PEACE” (um – no – the whole world is ending any minute – and my household is not peaceful in any way.)
“Jingle all the Way“ (I mean we are not reindeer or people who play the triangle in a band)
“Blessed,” (although I think I am – there is nothing more annoying and stupid than someone announcing that they are blessed..)
So anyways – I finally pick out a card, and realize that it is the most expensive card on the planet – so now I have to strategically cut my Christmas list down so that I can afford my $3 cards…
(I don’t really need Mr. Gaga’s help with this task.)
I carefully place the BEST pictures into my amazing card – spend a small fortune on the cards for the 150 people we have to send to – and then wait for them to arrive.
When they arrive it will be my duty and mine alone to address, return address, lick, stamp and send these cards to people across the land.
I will send one to Mr. Gaga at work.
This is the only way he will even know anything about it.
There are many other things that will occur, teacher’s gifts, secretaries’ gifts, baking, basic holiday cheer….
But I don’t have the time or energy to outline everything because I have a lot of shit to do while Mr. Gaga watches football.
Just remember – you were warned….and try not to hold a grudge..
It’s Christmas after all!
BE MERRY AND BRIGHT PEOPLE!!! XOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA