5 Things that your Husband Won’t Do this Holiday Season

Thanksgiving is a day as Mr. Gaga put it so perfectly “really tests our marriage.”

I host a run in the morning.  What started as 12 runners, has evolved over the years to become a much larger group.  There are a lot of the details and task involved with this event.  The signs and maps outlining the route, the bagels and the coffee that needs to be served, the trophies, the waivers that need signing, the music, the water bottles, all of it….

Mr. Gaga helps me – but I get a little stressed because I also know that after the run I have to host Thanksgiving dinner for 18 people.  Whenever I have a little anxiety – I may or may not behave irrationally.

tumblr_mwll58qgif1qefwl8o1_500

In the end, this year, I had 85 runners at my house and we raised money for a lovely charity, I ran my fastest time ever, and our dinner was lovely and our marriage remained in tact.

I am so grateful to have the loving support of my husband each year on Thanksgiving, I am so happy on Thanksgiving night as I drift off to sleep in a tryptophan cloud, I feel so blessed and happy.

So each year, when I wake up on the day that kicks off the season of greed and horror, known as Black Friday, I am blindsided anew by my husband’s inability to assist me with anything related to Christmas.

I actually looked back at past year’s to see what I have posted in December months on this blog, for fear of being redundant.  I noticed a funny pattern.   Each year, my husband pissed me off during the holiday season and each year I was very upset, as though I hadn’t seen it coming.

As though I didn’t experience the same thing each year. What’s wrong with me??

Each year, the only task this husband of mine will take ownership of is the outdoor Christmas lights.

That’s his job.

He does it well and without complaints – but after that shit is up.

He is done for the season.

We all had to go outside tonight and cheer for him that the lights were up and make him feel really great for all of his hard work.

lights

 

Does anyone cheer for me after I do a solid 30 days of hard work for Christmas?

No.

No they don’t.

The next task he will do that is remotely related to Christmas is removing the tree from the living room and throwing it on the curb.

This is why I am going to make a check list for all of you to get mentally prepared for what’s to come…

Read this list of things that your husband will not be doing this holiday season, and accept it and embrace it. I am here to give you the truth so that you can be better equipped to survive.

truth-christmas

Don’t get upset.

Just know that nothing will change….and you will feel better.  All of us women are in this together and we have to accept our fates.

christmas-misery

5 THINGS YOUR HUSBAND WILL NOT BE DOING THIS HOLIDAY SEASON:

#1 – BUYING YOUR CHILDREN A GIFT:

In the midst of everything else I am doing on Thanksgiving – I simultaneously have things in my virtual carts ready for the click of my finger to order presents for all of those near and dear to us.

While I am basting a turkey and clearing plates, in the back of my mind I am thinking – I have to get that Black Friday sale on a ping pong table for my children!

This is a thought that would never cross Mr. Gaga’s mind – and I have given up long ago on his participation.

All I ask for is mild enthusiasm (even if it’s fake) for my accomplishments.

“So I got the kids a ping pong table for Christmas for half price!” I whispered to him after everything was cleaned up from Thanksgiving. When he grunted and kept watching the game, I nudged him.

“So I bought a box of ping pongs and I thought they can open those – and then they will be confused – but we will have the table set up in the garage!”

He continued to watch the football game and chuckled.

“Hello??” I said with exasperation.

“They are not called ‘ping pongs’….they are ping pong balls.” he said with disgust at my idiocy.

This is about all of the engagement I can hope for.

But joke’s on him, because guess who is going to be putting that shit together??


#2 – BUYING YOU A GIFT:

I mean I know that many of you will be flowered with luxurious gifts like in the movies – but that’s just not what happens around here.

If I am being fair – we habitually decide in November each year that we aren’t giving each other gifts and we pick something innocuous that we are purchasing – like a refrigerator or a vacation that will be “our gift.”

And also – I did away with stockings after he filled mine with orange soda because he thought that “I loved orange soda.”

WHAT. THE. FUCK?
WHAT. THE. FUCK?

But still.

There’s something so magical and romantic about a real Christmas gift from your husband that he thought of on his own – with no help – and it’s perfect just because he loves you.

I would love to say that in a few years from now that we will go back to thoughtful gifting – but I have a feeling we will find ourselves in 8 straight years of “Our gift to each other is paying for our children’s college tuition.”

#3 – BUYING HIS PARENTS A GIFT:

I mean maybe I am speaking out of turn.

Maybe there are men out there that thoughtfully pick out a gift for their parents and siblings and aunts each year.

I personally don’t know any men that do that.

I am including Mr. Gaga, my brother and my father in that equation.  If your spouse is engaged in gift-giving for his side of the family – then god bless.

But for the rest of us…

We can be found huddled over computers – carefully placing photos into calendars and photo books, choosing jeweled items for our children’s grandmothers and sisters and at Toys R’ Us for godchildren and nieces and nephews.

All while our husbands sleep with visions of sugarplums dance in their heads.

It’s fucking bullshit.

 

#4 – WRAPPING A GIFT:

Apparently during the holiday season – it becomes 1959.

Women are responsible for petty stupid tasks like wrapping gifts while the men drink scotch and watch football.

One time…just one time…I asked Mr. Gaga to wrap something and I will never make that mistake again.

dick-in-a-box

Wrapping during the holidays is serious business.  In the Gaga household, the children get special wrapping paper from Santa – and they each have their own kind to distinguish whose gift is whose.  Then there is other wrapping paper that is for all of the gifts that the family  me and my husband I wrap for family and friends.  Then of course, there are the gifts that cannot be wrapped and require a gift bag.  I have to be sure to purchase gift bags of all different shapes and sizes to accommodate those gifts.

Then of course there is the name tagging and the bowing.

Those name tags and bows don’t just fall from the sky!! I have to purchase them and have them readily available for when I complete my back-breaking hours upon hours of wrapping.

Mr. Gaga knows nothing about any of this.

#5 – LICKING AN ENVELOPE OR ANYTHING ELSE TO DO WITH CARDS

This Christmas card situation has spiraled out of control.

This generation of parents have taken photography and the showmanship of the holiday card to a whole new level.  So before we even get to the licking of the envelope there is a photo shoot session that is planned.  There are appropriate and photo-worthy outfits that need to be chosen and purchased.  There is a photo shoot location to be chosen.

When all of the photo-taking is complete there is the choosing of the best!! photos.  Then when the BEST photos are chosen – there is the laborious task of the choosing of the card.

I personally find this difficult because I don’t like to choose a phrase that is not keeping with our personality as a family.  I won’t choose a card that has a saying on it that does not apply to the personalities of myself or my children.  This puts a wrench in things….

This guideline rules out the following cards:

“Merry and Bright” (so you are happy and smart?? That’s obnoxious.)

“PEACE” (um – no – the whole world is ending any minute – and my household is not peaceful in any way.)

“Jingle all the Way (I mean we are not reindeer or people who play the triangle in a band)

“Blessed,” (although I think I am – there is nothing more annoying and stupid than someone announcing that they are blessed..)

So anyways – I finally pick out a card, and realize that it is the most expensive card on the planet – so now I have to strategically cut my Christmas list down so that I can afford my $3 cards…

(I don’t really need Mr. Gaga’s help with this task.)

grinch

I carefully place the BEST pictures into my amazing card – spend a small fortune on the cards for the 150 people we have to send to – and then wait for them to arrive.

When they arrive it will be my duty and mine alone to address, return address, lick, stamp and send these cards to people across the land.

I will send one to Mr. Gaga at work.

This is the only way he will even know anything about it.

There are many other things that will occur, teacher’s gifts, secretaries’ gifts, baking, basic holiday cheer….

But I don’t have the time or energy to outline everything because I have a lot of shit to do while Mr. Gaga watches football.

Just remember – you were warned….and try not to hold a grudge..

It’s Christmas after all!

BE MERRY AND BRIGHT PEOPLE!!! XOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

 

 

 

 

5 thoughts on “5 Things that your Husband Won’t Do this Holiday Season

  1. I love this blog so much. A friend had forwarded me your ‘end of summer’ blues post back in September (bring on the lobster and sandy sheets!) and I fell for you….because I could have written that same post (without all the great humor). Keep them coming – you are great.

  2. Oh what an awful life you have! It is not too often I feel the need to defend myself but, certain posts force me to respond. Now why you all sit and read this post, you may be nodding your head sayin, “Ain’t that the truth girl!” Ladygoogoogaga paints a picture of her life living in a sweatshop, doing EVERYTHING for everyone! As part of my response, I will list for you the things your wife WILL and WILL NOT do this holiday season…actually, it’s all year.
    1. Laundry will not be done! Recently, I had to climb over the Mount Everest of laundry just to get to my son’s room. In an effort to help out (she was too busy downstairs watching a show in which middle aged, elitist housewives were talking about their vaginas), I began to place all the dirty laundry in baskets. I grew frustrated when I realized we did not have enough laundry baskets to fit all the dirty laundry that has piled up. Let me remind you, this laundry was not in the laundry room, it was in the second floor hallway outside the bedrooms. Not good.
    2. She will not clean her dishes. Rather than placed the pans and plates from breakfast in the sink to let soak, the pans and plates, encrusted with egg yolk will remain on the stove until someone else comes home and has to use a blow torch to get the yellow cement-like crust off. This is mainly because she had to rush out in her tennis tutu to a lesson she was late for. Priorities people, duh!!
    3. The familiy’s safety and security will be tested. In order for us to stay on our toes and because Lady is SO BUSY with Christmas or any other day of the year, she leaves the house and car keys in the front door each time she gets home. I used to think it was a way for her to remember where she left them the next morning but weekly, I’ll get a frantic call at work asking me if I have seen her keys. My reply always is “Did you check the front door?” Conversation over.
    4. She will attempt to restore furniture she has found on the side of the road. That furniture will sit in the garage for six months until finally, I have to throw it out.

    I could go on but it’s now 6:00 am and I have to wake my son up and bring him to intramurals at school becasue it is way too early for her. She was very busy doing God’s work watching a “Watch What Happens Live” marathon.

  3. Mr. Gaga sounds a little testy…

    In response to #5…I am done with cards. Three years ago, I sent out my 150 cards, only to be informed AFTER Christmas that I had sent Christmas cards to two dead people. Their widows opened the cards that I had addressed to their deceased spouses. To be fair, I did not know that one of them had died. But, to my utter shame and horror, I DID know that the other person had died, but in my befuddled Christmas card frenzy forgot to remember. I tell you, I was mortified. I told myself, from now on I will not send cards to people I have not talked to in the last year. In fact, I will not send cards to people who have not yet sent me a card. Now, I keep a generic box of cards on my desk, and when I get a card from someone I immediately sign one from the box and send it off in return. This keeps me out of trouble, and is much less stressful. Hope you enjoyed this morbid Christmas tale.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *