I have several mom friends in town that have bad reputations.
They are known for being a little
stuck-up, pretentious, label whores, bitchy “fancy.”
I never understand when people insult them, I stick up for them voraciously, but I am very rarely able to change anyone’s minds.
“How could you possibly be friends with her?” someone will ask me with complete horror when they see our photo on Facebook or I mention her name.
“Why not?” I will ask incredulously.
They will go on to tell me about the person’s horrific behavior and how all of the mothers in Goopville find this person abhorrent. It’s all very dramatic – and possibly tinged with jealousy and spite. These women will take the smallest thing and make it out to be indicative or broad character flaws that are very important.
I am a very good judge of character. I am not swayed.
There are very few people who I really like. My time limit for people who are annoying or pretentious is approximately 5 minutes. I absolutely know instantly, as soon as someone speaks more than 2 sentences if we can be friends. More often than not it doesn’t work out.
So, clearly if someone is my friend then they cannot be an awful person…it’s impossible.
“But maybe – they just act really normal around you? Maybe you are like that one “honky tonk” friend that they have?” a friend suggested at a party last weekend, laughing.
“Oh my God! Do you think?? But I am not a “honky tonk” person!” I exclaimed with horror.
“No – but maybe with the blog and everything – people kind of want to be your friend so that they can validate their “realness.” Like ‘I am friends with Lady GGG so I am a real person.” another friend suggested honestly.
“Oh my God…..maybe.” I whispered in horror.
Then the other night I was watching a new show that is about life in Westport, Connecticut – a town that has eerie similarities to Goopville, CT. A skinny “perfect” rich woman hugged her fat slovenly neighbor and said “I just love you! You are so real!!”
And then it really hit me. People say that to me all the time!
I am the “real friend.”
My life flashed before my eyes…visions of people having Miller Hi Life and moonshine at their house when we come over….friends hugging me and saying “You are sooo funny!”…..
This is not good.
Let’s review the evidence:
#1 – There is Miller Hi-Life at the Party:
Mr. Gaga is definitely a trashy kind of guy at first glance. When we are at dinner parties and people offer him craft beer he scoffs.
“I can’t drink this shit – it’s like syrup.” he whispered to me at a recent party.
He won’t drink wine or a gin and tonic like a normal person. He only drinks Miller Hi Life. He claims it’s the champagne of beers.
So when we arrive at friend’s homes they often have this $5.99 six-pack waiting.
“I got your beer!” they say excitedly. They have really slummed it by going to the store and purchasing such an item, and I always take it as a compliment that they went out of their way to accommodate his trashy ways…
They will happily join him in drinking this low-life beverage. They will chug the beer and say they really like it. This is what the Goopville husband are like when they are with Mr. Gaga.
Are they just pretending??
I have a sneaking suspicion this is what happens after we leave….
#2 – They down-play their weekend plans:
I work a lot on weekends. We socialize and do family activities too. We have a lot of sporting events to attend for the children. That’s our life. Sometimes we get away. Sometimes we go to NY or Boston for the weekend. I am quite happy and content. So I am genuinely happy for other human beings that are enjoying their weekends.
Sometimes I ask my fancy friends what they have planned for the weekend.
“Oh nothing…just dinner and a show!” she say nonchalantly, “Maybe like Chili’s and then we will take the kids to a movie or something,” they says dismissively while drinking their green smoothie from a mason jar.
Then I see a picture of them on Facebook at an expensive and exclusive restaurant in Paris. The next picture is of her family from their front row seats at Hamilton.
Hmmmm….I guess Chili’s was booked.
#3 – They pretend to cook and clean:
I have stated many times that I take pride in being a typical Italian mother that cooks an excessive amount of food for my children.
I find it appalling when mothers give their children chicken nuggets and Annie’s mac and cheese from the box, while they drink a kale smoothie in the corner.
If you cook for your family that signifies that you are a real person to me.
Sorry…it’s my Italian heritage.
You mothers that post photo after photo on Instagram of your homemade chicken pot pie! You aren’t fooling me.
That being said…now that I think of it…these fancy people..these people on Pinterest and Instagram and Facebook with their pictures of supper….they are trying to make it seem as though they are real. They are trying to convince everyone that they are good mothers that cook.
And now that I think of it…these fancy mothers often go out of their way to tell me when they cook dinner….
I should probably check with their kids.
And recently, when I added my master bathroom I found with annoyance that I was now responsible for cleaning yet another toilet…
I mentioned this annoyance a couple of times to some friends. They nodded sadly and pretended to agree with my plight of wiping urine from multiple toilets.
Finally, someone spoke some truth.
“Well, don’t judge me – but I have my cleaning lady come an extra day each week just for bathrooms,” she said honestly.
Thankfully, she was being forthright. Yet, nobody else ever discusses their cleaning staff. It is an unspoken thing…..
Because they want to pretend that they are doing everything themselves…like a “perfectly real mom” would.
#4 -They pretend to eat food:
I do seem to be the fattest woman in Goopville..
It is quite strange.
Because these women – when they aren’t doing 100 burpees or running 10 miles a day, seem to eat food and drink beverages whenever they are with me….
It doesn’t add up though…because they are all a size negative zero. They have little tiny asses in their little size xs Lululemon pants…
And their thighs don’t touch…
It’s quite perplexing.
And when I make mention of the fact that my ass is huge and their’s is non-existent – they shush me and pretend that I am not fat…
I make no bones about the fact that I am horrible at dieting and that I enjoy eating and drinking – possibly too much.
I also believe that a woman who is so consumed with her physical appearance that she doesn’t eat cheese or carbs is someone who is deeply troubled and cannot be my friend.
I think carbs are always the answer to a happy and pleasant life and demeanor…
#5 They tell you are funny:
I think my fancy friends like me and that we are like-minded because they agree with much that I say. They read my blog and claim that it is “so hilarious!”
When I say that I litter they shake their head and laugh. When I say that my kids are assholes, they burst out in peals of laughter. If I say that I don’t do the laundry and Mr. Gaga has to wear my thong to work sometimes, they laughingly say they don’t do laundry either!
No matter how inappropriate my commentary is – they seem to think I am just hilarious!!
All of this agreement.
All of this laughter.
Am I the honky-tonk “real” friend that is making everyone be on their very best behavior??
But perhaps that’s a good thing.
KEEPIN IT REAL SINCE 1976….XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA