After trashing fat people in Disney for years, you won’t believe what happened….
As luck would have it, after writing two very popular pieces outlining Disney World as the land of obese people driving carts and drinking enormous beverages, my experience was different this time.
I kept my eye out, from the minute I stepped foot into the park for any offensive behaviors, so I could report back to you all. The motorized cart riders were all around – but it just had lost it’s shock value, and what I kept noticing more than anything else was….
Attractive and skinny women.
Every line I was waiting in, every restaurant or shop, every ride I was on, there was an impossibly skinny tan woman. In line for food – thin, pretty women would pass by me with water and salad, her sculpted leg and arm muscles glistening in the sun.
I was actually starting to have a complex. Maybe I was too fat and ugly for Disney!! What had happened to all of the fat people with huge Diet Cokes? Was this an accurate portrayal of America? Had American behaviors changed and I had not noticed? Were Americans, outside of metropolitan areas, toned and pretty now?
By the end of the first day, I was thinking to myself “If Americans were skinny now – I would have read an article about that, it would have been breaking news! There must be some sort of explanation for what’s happening.”
That lead me to realize that there must be some sort of European break. Maybe all of these women were from France. That would explain a lot.
And then I noticed these fit, perfect, water-drinking women. They all had something in common.
They were all wearing the same shirt….and it said “DISNEY PRINCESS HALF MARATHON”
Many of them were wearing tutus as well. I had been so busy being jealous of their skinniness that I had not noticed their weird outfits.
They weren’t fat. They weren’t drinking huge drinks filled with high-fructose corn syrup – but they were a different type of enemy.
One that certainly didn’t belong in Disney World, where I was trying to enjoy Mickey Mouse ice cream bars and french fries with my children!!
I like my Disney enemies in motorized carts because they are lazy and tired! I didn’t need all of these blonde skinny bitches around!
They were in Disney to run 13 miles at the crack of dawn, for fun. Come to find out – these masochists put tiaras and tutus on and run around the park pretending to be “princesses.” Well guess what – you maniacs – real “princesses” would come to Florida and fucking relax. They certainly wouldn’t run around sweating and looking like shit.
This is what a real princess looks like in Florida…
These are not the only people I don’t ever want to see again in Disney World….here are 5 more.
1- People that Shit their Pants:
Ok this category includes those that are in the early and late stages of life. I cannot believe how many elderly people I saw in Disney World. They would be in wheelchairs or using a cane, with Mickey ears on and they would hobble right up to the front of the line of a ROLLERCOASTER!!!
What the hell?
Shouldn’t they be resting in Boca Raton with their friends? Shouldn’t they be going to the early bird special and going to bed? And why do they have so much energy? Aren’t they scared that they will die? Aren’t they scared that they will have anal leakage or piss their pants?
It makes me nervous!
Then there are those people who wear diapers because they are babies. This person is at Disney World because his or her parents decided that the magic of Disney would be great for a 2 year old. This 2 year old needs a nap, a diaper change, and snacks on a regular basis. Those diaper changes will be performed on a pull-down changing table in the bathroom that a mere billion people have smeared their kids’ hot shitty asses on.
So now you paid all this money – and you will spend your day on baby rides, wiping his ass, giving him Goldfish snacks and strolling him in the shade to cool him down so he can fall asleep for his nap. That’s fucking stupid.
And by the way – this child will have no recollection of this trip at all. I know you think it’s super cute that he is meeting Buzz Lightyear and high-fiving Goofy – but he won’t remember that. When he’s 6 he will whine and say “You never took me to Disney World!” and you will have to do it all over again.
2 – People with Broken Arms and Legs
What kind of weird shit is this? You have broken one of your limbs or have had some sort of major surgery that requires your arms and/or legs to be in casts. You are utilizing slings and crutches and wheelchairs to get around. It is 88 degrees outside and you are going to wait in lines for hours in the blazing sun – while your itchy cast makes you hotter and hotter. You might possibly be in pain. I personally, have 2 working legs and feet and found that they were achy and sore at the end of the long Disney days. Yet, you want to take your body that has just had a major trauma to Disney and walk for miles and stand in line for hours all to go on a ride that will jostle your body around and quite possibly aggravate or worsen a condition that is clearly very bad.
Apparently there are many people who just snap their limbs in half and hop on a plane immediately like nothing happened and slap on a pair of Mickey Mouse ears and ride rollercoasters. I don’t get it.
3- Children that Hate Rides:
I cannot tell you how many people visibly forced their little children to get onto rollercoasters that clearly did not want to.
The kid would be crying the whole time in the hour-long line for the ride. The mean rotten parents – trying to get their money’s worth – would spend the entire hour convincing the child that the “ride is fun!”
Despite the child’s pleas and cries – they inevitably would find themselves in some sort of rollercoaster or equally scary ride belted in next to their parent. We could hear their cries as the ride shot them off into the dark tunnels never to be seen again.
It’s a little bizarre if you think about it. I mean why are you doing this to your child? Do you need to go on Space Mountain this badly? Why are you forcing your child to do something scary that he doesn’t want to do? There will be a lifetime of therapy needed after this.
4 – People on a Diet:
Maybe this is why those marathon runners annoyed me so much. I had been on a diet leading up to the trip to Disney – but once I got there all hell broke loose.
First of all – every morning our hotel breakfast included the most delicious waffle you will ever eat, and it looks like Mickey. Who am I to say “no” to that and eat egg whites? Plus – I was walking like 8-10 miles a day -so I figured it was OK to eat some carbs and some butter and some syrup.
Apparently, once you start your day with a big mouse waffle – it really opens the door for Mickey Mouse ice creams and huge refillable buckets of popcorn. Since I was eating ice cream and popcorn snacks, I felt there was really no point in ordering salad for lunch or dinner. So I would order something disgusting like a burger or a chicken sandwich, basically anything that came with fries. When the fries arrived – I saw no point in pushing them aside….
The excuses to eat like a barbarian just went on and on.
5 – Newborn babies
I saw at least 2 women holding babies that seemingly just came out of their uterus a few minutes before hopping on line for a ride. One of the babies – I swear was in the hospital swaddle thing that they go home in, and the mom was in line for the Buzz and Woody ride that spins around and is loud!! Why would you bring your newborn on a filthy ride that spins? And you knew you were pregnant!! Why did you plan this trip?
Another woman took the chair lift up to the top of Blizzard Beach holding a tiny baby. We followed right behind her in line to get on a huge tube with 3 other people and go shooting down a curvy fast water slide and then go plunging into the pool at the bottom. She clutched the baby to her with one hand as she sat down in the tube and held on to the tube handle with the other. Off she went shooting away down the slide with her sweet innocent newborn. What if they hit a bump and she let go of the baby by accident and it flew out of the tube and died? Or what if it bumped its head or got shaken baby syndrome? I mean what the fuck?
Whenever I feel bad about my mothering I will just think well “At least I didn’t shoot my baby down a plunging waterslide right when he came out of my vagina.” That will make me feel better for sure.
Despite all the creepy weird behaviors in Disney – I have to say it is MAGICAL!!! Glad we went – now back on my diet tomorrow!
PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK THIS WEEK FOR ALL OF THE DISNEY LOVERS!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA