This week some things have come to fruition….
Here’s a quick rundown of stuff we have been waiting for:
1 – There is in fact a sun after all:
I have been wearing UGGS and a fur-hooded parka since October.
I have realized that when I decided to reside in the Northeast – I actually signed up inadvertently to live in a place that’s a mix between Alaska and Seattle.
It’s hard and disheartening.
My skin on my face looks like an old woman’s and my soul was almost permanently frozen in a cold hard tundra.
Just when I resigned myself to wear boots every day for the rest of my life – the sun came out this week.
It was shocking.
It was delightful.
2 – Gwyenth Paltrow finally admits she is not a normal American Mom
I mean I am sure she means well. I am sure that I would want to be her friend if she and her Apple and Moses showed up in Goopville.
But let’s get real.
She’s the inspiration for my town being named “Goopville,” because she’s full of FUCKING SHIT.
She decided to take a food challenge offered by Mario Batali (who I have met and is an amazing person – sidenote)
where she would survive on $29 a day (which is what the government offers to families in need in the US of A.)
After four days ………..
This is what $29 gets you at the grocery store—what families on SNAP (i.e. food stamps) have to live on for a week. pic.twitter.com/OZMPA3nxij
— Gwyneth Paltrow (@GwynethPaltrow) April 9, 2015
I somehow think that homeless people don’t buy huge bushels of cilantro…..
And maybe don’t buy fucking 25 limes you self-indulgent
Mexican spoiled Hollywood princess bad mom
Finally, though, after all of these endless Goop newsletters and conscious uncouplings – we can comfortably know that we don’t have to live up to this woman.
Now we know that if she was in the real world, she would fail.
Is there anything better than knowing that we are better at grocery shopping than Gwyenth Paltrow??
But for this week -we can feel a little smug.
3 – Kim Richards goes to the slammer
If you don’t watch the RHOBH then you won’t understand this.
But suffice it to say that there’s a woman in Beverly Hills who has was a child-star and has a pit-bull that bites everyone’s arms off – and is a menace to society.
She is an alcoholic lunatic.
Up until yesterday she has been living a life of freedom and she has finally been arrested and thrown in the slammer.
Does this look like someone that should not be locked up?
Thank you police officers of Beverly Hills, – it’s about fucking time that this menace to society is behind bars.
4 – Star Wars put out their dang trailer:
Apparently nerds across the land (including everyone that lives in my house except for me) put out the trailer for the movie that’s coming out on fucking CHRISTMAS of 2015!!!
I am sorry – but I am just thrilled to have a morsel of sunshine – I am not thinking about next DECEMBER!!
Well clearly Mr. Gaga has other plans.
He already informed me that him and the children will be going to see this movie next Christmas.
Duly noted, nerds.
5 – Full school Weeks
I just don’t know if I recall a child going to their instutional schooling facility for 5 straight days.
Between the vacations and the illnesses and the winter days –
This week – they will go to school every day…..
If my life depends upon it.
6 – I’m fat.
Ok – that’s not a new development – but I just am hoping that the weather has something to do with my girth.
I am in denial.
I foolishly thought in the still of the winter that I could just eat and drink with reckless abandon and nothing would happen…
I was wrong.
Mr. Gaga went for physical today in good old Connecticut and the doctor said he has never seen so many depressed and out of shape individuals.
This made me feel better.
When it’s below zero for many days in a row – the natural choice is to drink 50 wines and eat carb and cream-laden soups.
I’m glad I am not alone in this obese-land.
But suffice it so say that the snow has melted off of the grill and it’s time to think about a little grilled chicken and veg.
7. Sam will become one with God.
Sam has been waiting to make his first communion since he could say “gold chain.”
When I gave birth to him – he came out with a full tan and a leather jacket –
When you give birth to a child and the nurses bring a full guido to you in the hospital it’s alarming –
As he grew – he became more and more ……Italian.
It’s not normal to tell your 5-year-old to do something and to be met with a very bad attitude…
The day of his first holy communion has been a day he has been dreaming of for years, because he can
become one with the lord, taste the holy wafer complete his look….
It will happen next week and everyone in the Gaga household will officially own a gold chain and all will be right with the world.
8. LADY GOO GOO GAGA will get 2000 likes:
I am humbly begging for Facebook likes.
I have been plugging away.
Entertaining you people for YEARS.
Can you please like me on Facebook? Can you tell your friends to like me???
I have 1930 LIKES.
Make it happen!!
I am begging.
I think 2000 is just a more respectable number than 1930.
The “2000 like” will get a prize.
I WILL POST THIS EVERY DAY UNTIL I REACH MY GOAL!!!
POST AND SHARE AND LIKE ON FACEBOOK OR MY SELF-ESTEEM AND MY WEEK WILL BE DESTROYED AND IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT……NO PRESSURE….XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA