The kids have 2 days left of school.
Many mothers dread the end of school but I welcome it. It means summer is near. It means that there are days on the horizon that involve a good book on the beach while my children play in the sun and surf. This is welcome change after we all had a long cold winter spent in some sort of institutionalized situation that involved fluorescent lighting.
After months of torture involving school PTO, horrible weather, spending hours and hours watching wretched baseball and basketball and soccer games, it’s time for some relaxation time!! There’s a whole lot of bullshit shenanigans that go on during the school year….and I am done.
For example, I am no longer making anyone in this household a lunch. Any of my longtime reader know how I feel about modern day “Lunch-making.”
When I had little babies if someone had complained to me about making their kids a lunch before they went to school for 8 solid hours, I would have slapped them. Yet somehow it really sucks making lunches…it’s arduous and horrible. It’s organic and peanut-free and packed in BPA Free pouches and healthy and perfect.
FUCK YOU FAT KIDS AND MICHELLE OBAMA NOW WE CAN’T SEND TWINKIES AND CHIPS. It’s just very labor-intensive.
ln the old days you could throw a PB&J in a brown sack.
Now some fucking asshole is sending their kid to school with this:
When I was complaining recently, a friend mentioned that she never made a lunch for any of her children, that range in age from 12 to 5!
“Mrs. Bell doesn’t make lunch for any of her kids!” I informed my lazy useless children that evening, “So maybe I should stop making lunch for you guys this summer…”
“I can make myself a Nutella sandwich everyday,” Michael said with a shrug.
“Yeah my sandwich will be Nutella with fluff and pepperoni….and I can eat Doritos,” Sam added seriously.
I pictured the dirty kitchen, everything covered with fluff, coupled with the extremely large consumption of red dyes and sugars in the described lunch.
Laundry is another whole situation that will get better when school is over. It’s not enough that everyone in the Gaga household has something to cover their butts and peeps in public.
These motherfuckers need specific items each morning!!!
“Mom can I have underwear?” “Mom can I have socks that match?”
I am just constantly peppered with stupid questions.
On top of it – I am expected to have their baseball and soccer and football and basketball uniforms readily available and clean.
On top of that! Apparently boys wear “cups” that are constantly tossed in with the dirty laundry. Said “cups” need to be found at a moment’s notice when the child needs to go to his practice or game. This “cup” locator job is apparently my problem as laundress.
Maybe I should lose all the cups and let them experience life without a cup.
They might keep better track of things…
Now that all of the sports are done with, the stress of laundry deadlines is gone. I don’t care what people wear in the summer, I don’t care if they match, and better yet it’s flip-flop season so socks won’t be an issue again until September.
The other thing I won’t miss is the homework.
Even though I can’t really help them on paper, in theory I can help them by chasing them around telling them to do their homework or they will be huge homeless losers. I also help them to understand the instructions of their homework and I am also often held responsible by teachers to “check their work.”
During the summer I don’t give a fuck about learning. It struck me the other day at the book store when I saw a huge selection of workbooks that are available for “good” parents who make their children do math homework over the summer.
I am certainly not doing any workbooks over the summer with my children. If they forget everything they ever learned over the summer – is that my problem? No it’s not. It’s their teacher’s problem.
I purposely did not become a teacher.
I also purposely live in America.
If I wanted my children to learn and be smart during the summer I would live in China. I purposely live in America so that we can eat Nutella pepperoni sandwiches and spend the summer being fat and dumb and forgetting everything we ever knew.
I am looking forward to it.
Thank God another school year is over and the summer will start this week!!!!!JUST BECAUSE I CALLED MY WHOLE FAMILY FAT AND DUMB DOESN’T MEAN I AM A BAD MOTHER – CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE BEST MOTHER IN AMERICA!!