No Thanks Geraldine…No thanks.

Some of you are not going to like this.

My mother’s generation fought for the rights of women.

I grew up feeling powerful and equal as a result.  I watched Geraldine Ferraro running for President of the United States and I believed that I could grow up and be anything and anyone.

I was a bright child and once I realized that, I was certain that the world was my oyster.

Well, my oyster definitely did not include grocery shopping and playdates….and fast forward a decade or two.  Looks like the joke’s on me.

Does this look like a fun oyster to you???
Does this look like a fun oyster to you???

I never ran for president.

I never even tried to climb a corporate ladder.

I just worked and did what I wanted to do and then I married Mr. Gaga and then I had kids.

And now that I work sometimes part-time and sometimes full-time, I have realized that this working thing….this “let’s be equals thing”….it’s not all that.

You cannot do it all.

Something has to give.

It is nearly impossible to find balance and satisfy yourself, your family, your husband AND empty the dishwasher.

There are just not enough hours in the day.

I mean is staying home and doing nothing so bad?

And let me just tell you what suffers when you are a working woman:

#1 – SLEEP

When you work and maintain a household – sleep is the first thing to go.  When I think back when I was home with the kids not working, I remember struggling to get the kids to preschool by 9:00 AM!!!  I also recall luxurious afternoons of napping and reading a magazine on the couch.

When I am working, I have to set an alarm to wake up before the kids in order to get shit done.  Then after they go to bed at night I have a million things to do that I couldn’t accomplish during the day.  I end up going to bed at midnight.  My undereye circles are darkening more and more each day.  I look horrible and feel horrible.

Thanks a lot women’s libbers.

While Geraldine Ferraro was doing great things for women - her undereye area took a real beating...
While Geraldine Ferraro was doing great things for women – her undereye area took a real beating…

#2 – WORKING MAKES YOU FAT

So I have a choice each morning.

I can wake up early, get the kids ready for school, and pack a bag for the gym which includes work clothes, and hair and makeup supplies.  I can speed to the gym, get in a quick workout, shower at the gym and rush to work never looking quite right, with sweat still glistening on my brow.

Or I can stay home, throw in some laundry, clean up the breakfast dishes, empty the dishwasher, pick up Mr. Gaga’s dry-cleaning, etc.

If I choose the house maintenance this adds to my muffin top growth, yet if I don’t- Mr. Gaga threatens to wear my thong underwear to work.

It’s a real catch-22.

If you wait to work out when you get home from work, then you have to really be organized about dinner and after school activities and be sure that your husband will be home so that you can scramble to your class at the gym and then you miss dinner with your family so you feel guilty about that, and then when you get home you’re met with a sink full of dishes and nobody has done their homework.

So most times you will just come home from work and say “Fuck this shit.” aloud to anyone who’s listening and pour yourself some wine – which also perpetuates the muffin top.

So it’s a never-ending cycle of fat and doom.

#3 LAUNDRY

Mr. Gaga will be the first to tell you that I suck at laundry.

But I do understand and appreciate the importance of clean clothes.

I might be able to throw some laundry into the washer and it might get into the dryer before it starts smelling like mildew – but if I am working – then that’s where the laundering ends.

This morning, when I was digging throw the clean clothes trying to find Sam’s football uniform, I thought to myself – I really have to fold these clothes tonight after a long day of work…(on a Sunday.)  I felt a pang of guilt and shame that I would let the laundry get to this point.

It's clean!! Just very wrinkled and piled up to the ceiling,,,,
It’s clean!! Just very wrinkled and piled up to the ceiling.

After breakfast, I came upstairs to get ready for work and caught Mr. Gaga looking for socks.

He just rummages through shit - with no thoughts of shame or guilt...
He just rummages through shit – with no thoughts of shame or guilt…

#4 BODILY FUNCTIONS

I may or may not have to go to the bathroom sometimes.  When that occasion arises it is imperative that nobody is home and I have peace and tranquility.  Well if you have to get ready for work, and go to the gym in a hurried frenzy or run errands quickly before arriving at your place of employment  – there’s no peace, there’s no tranquility and there’s quite frankly no time.

Now the choice is do you perform human bodily functions at your place of employment?

No way.

So then by the time you get home from work and do everything that needs doing – often you have missed your window of opportunity.

That’s right.

I said it.

Working women are constipated.

So now we are fat AND bloated.

#5 – GROCERIES

So between the working and the child rearing and the “having it all” – who the fuck has time for the grocery shopping?

Not me.

Not anybody.

Please refer back to #1 – WORKING MAKES YOU FAT.

There’s just no time for grocery shopping at all – let alone healthy choices and proper meal planning.  Sometimes if I forgo the gym I will actually make dinner in the morning!! before work.

Or sometimes after a long day of work – you can find me blindly throwing shit into my cart in a frantic race to get home, making bad choices and growing my muffin-top.

groceryscooter
Sometimes if I am really tired, I use a grocery store motorized shopping cart….

And guess what’s another option when you are bleary-eyed and beaten down by “the man?”

So maybe my kids throw the apple slices out the window and we ask for a chocolate milk instead of regular I mean how bad is it really??
So maybe my kids throw the apple slices out the window and we ask for a chocolate milk instead of regular, but I mean how bad is it really??

#6 – PERSONAL GROOMING

Who has time for a manicure or pedicure when you are working?

How about time to cover up gray roots that make you look like your 65 years old?

There’s NO time for any sort of grooming or maintenance when you have children, and a household and work.  Suddenly before you know it – you look like Grizzly Adams.

mySuperLamePic_7ceed36ee19981dcd8ed9516fa8baa9e

When you are a stay-at-home mom – you have time to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that your beard and moustache are rivaling the stars of Duck Dynasty.

You also have time to address any other private hair removals that might need tending to.

A friend told me recently that she no longer had time for her bikini wax due to her busy work schedule.

“I have a huge bush right now!!” she said with disgust, “If anyone ever asks me what the huge bulge in my pants is – I will have to say ‘I am a working woman!”

Looks like working women everywhere have this problem!
Looks like working women everywhere have this problem!  Is this what Geraldine envisioned for the White House?

In closing – I know some of you might feel like this post is setting back women.

You might think that I am thinking of trivial and vain matters like moustache removal and laundry folding, when there are important topics to discuss as women.

I don’t care.

I am a woman, and sometimes a little femininity doesn’t hurt.  Sometimes it’s nice to look good and feel good and take a fucking nap.  There’s a reason why Donna Reed didn’t have a beard and an abdomen filled with poop.

She didn’t fucking work.

Sometimes I think we should all consider what we have given up.

There.

I said it.

austinpowers

I AM TOTALLY MENTALLY READY FOR SOME HATERS THIS WEEK — IN THE MEANTIME – IT’S FUNNY – SO CLICK THE BANNER BELOW!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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18 thoughts on “No Thanks Geraldine…No thanks.

  1. It’s a real catch-22.

    If you wait to work out when you get home from work, then you have to really be organized about dinner and after school activities and be sure that your husband will be home so that you can scramble to your class at the gym and then you miss dinner with your family so you feel guilty about that, and then when you get home you’re met with a sink full of dishes and nobody has done their homework.

    So most times you will just come home from work and say “Fuck this shit.” aloud to anyone who’s listening and pour yourself some wine – which also perpetuates the muffin top.

    OMG- I was just saying this the other day to my friend- I joined a gym back in May- May- and I still have not set foot in the place- not one foot- my Mr Fagan is ready to kill me because I do work- opened my own business last year- but still make 0 dollars- so he has to foot all the bills. As you already know- it is too hard to get to the fucking gym and cook dinner and get the boy to football practice- and do math Homework with the other boy- ugh- I LOVE your blogs- once again spot on. And I too grew up thinking I could do it all and have it all- I had a fucking t- shirt that said Anything boys can do – Girls can do better- you crack my the fuck up-

  2. I 100 percent agree with you – feminists might have thought they were doing women everywhere a favor but we all just ended up getting fucking over worse than ever.

  3. I beg to differ, but your article is very funny and entertaining nonetheless, and there are truisms. You can’t do it all, but you can have it all. I just wish instead of tearing up either side (whether working or not), we moms supported whatever the other side chose as the best decision for them. I am not fat or sleep deprived (although I think pooping at work is disgusting, and support that point fully, lol). I do have the support of a wonderful working husband who is a master at laundry, too. We really have to work all of the household responsibilities 50/50. And there’s always time for a waxing. There can and there must be. For the sake of all mankind.

  4. I thought when I didn’t work full time, I would get so much more done. But the truth is I work harder at home than I did when I worked full time.

    I co-sign all of this. We can’t have it all. But at least we have options now. I’m still proud to be a feminist.

  5. Hmm…seems to me you are blaming the wrong people for your plight. Feminists would want your husband to share the workload, but it looks like you are doing it all yourself. You need to rise up, sister!

  6. Maybe if your husband did some of the household chores like laundry dinner or getting the kids ready you wouldn’t feel so unsatisfied. It cracks me up when women complain and don’t expect their husband to take on the same household or family tasks that they do.

  7. After having yet another “chore war” with my husband over ALL of these very same things, I read this….and I 100% agree with you. And to those who are posting about having your husband “share the load”, who the heck are you married to? My husband is a great dad, and works full time, but would never in a million years clean a bathroom or pitch in and do grocery shopping….and if/when he does, he comes home from the store with pop, chips, and Little Debbie snack cakes.

    Yes, I agree with the sentiment of “sharing” chores, but in reality….it just doesn’t happen.

  8. I’ve always wondered why some women “want” to work – why? I sucked at the whole stay-at-home mom thing but I sucked even more when I worked. I LOVE that I didn’t have to work for the last 7 years. Actually yesterday I worked for the first time in 7 years – I subbed at the kids school for a half day. And by half day I mean from 11:15-2:30. It sucked! I was exhausted after dinner and still had to do the laundry and housework I didn’t get to because I wasn’t home. I’m a kept woman – and really happy!

  9. Yep, that is exactly my point….my husband will never be me, and I need a clone of myself to get everything done….if I say that son #2 has a birthday party this weekend, will he get a gift, wrap it, and have it ready before Saturday? Nope. If I ask him to take care of the birthday gift, I will get four phone calls from Target and a bunch of BS and then he wants a gold fricking star because “he helps out more than most men out there”! No thanks. I will just skip sleep and do it myself. Every working mom out there feels your pain and commiserates with you Lady Gaga, loved this blog post and I keep reading it over again for the laughs. :)

  10. Ha ha! Another one that made me laugh out loud and my kids came running to see what I was doing. “Fuck this shit” … and pour a glass of wine. LOVE it! Thank you for making my day.

  11. Another amazing and truthful read about my fellow working moms.
    Thank you for making me feel like I am not alone with my drama! Keep up the
    Good work!! Working and being a mom of 2 year old twins is harder then I ever thought possible. My husband is great, but, cant do one thing around the house without bitching about how much he hates it. Pffff shut up and change the light bulb! Lol I swear they are all born from the same pod.

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