You might not have noticed but I am not exactly warm and fuzzy.
It’s a blessing and a curse.
As a mother, I find that it can be difficult to interact with small children when you are blunt, enjoy swearing and call kids assholes.
My children don’t really know entirely how not warm and fuzzy I am yet – because I reserve whatever warmth and fuzz I do have – for them.
However, Mr. Gaga knew that when the children decided to make me something for Mother’s Day – that he should prep and warn me – so I could plan to arrange my face and reactions appropriately.
“So the kids wanted to make you a gift this year.” Mr. Gaga said a few days ago.
After everything I do for those motherfuckers “OK – that’s fine.” I said smiling. “I love homemade gifts.”
“They worked really hard on it and they are really excited – so I just want you to know that.” he practically pleaded.
“Ok – I am sure it will be fine – what do you think I am going to like throw it in the garbage or something?” I asked.
I wondered what it could be.
It could be really bad.
I was watching the Today Show at the gym and they were featuring “Great Gifts for Mom” and I started to get a bit nervous.
First they suggested an engraved rolling pin:
Natalie Morales droned on and on showing different weird jewelry and floral options and then at the end she talked about this great idea!! How about giving mom a balloon? A BALLOON???
HAVE YOU SEEN MY STRETCH MARKS?
HAVE YOU SEEN MY BOOBS?
I DESERVE MORE THAN A FUCKING BALLOON.
Apparently it’s not any balloon – it’s extra-large and it has a fancy tassel instead of a regular old piece of string. See below how happy the featured mother is with her child in matching clothes and her fancy balloon…
If someone handed me a balloon after all of these years of ass wiping, barefoot lego stepping and playdate attending – I’m not sure I could be that pleasant about it.
Thankfully, the kids and Mr. Gaga are busy at work and school during the Today Show so I was pretty safe.
Maybe it would be something for the yard – I got a pit in my stomach when I saw this on Pinterest:
Does a mother in America actually receive this as a gift and not bust out laughing??
I think my family knows that I don’t really care about gardens or flowers, or any living things in general -plus they would know that I am a judger of fashions so they would most likely not make this…..come to think of it- what if God forbid they made something for me to wear….
I saw this in Country Living Magazine and it was tagged as “Mother’s Day Crafts She Will Love.”
Maybe they will just make a cute card or something like that…..
I hope they wouldn’t involve their butts to make it – like this child….
I would be like – “You fucking assholes sat in paint?” And I would say to Mr. Gaga – “So my gift is orange paint all over my child’s asshole and penis and probably his clothing that were destroyed during this process…all for this hideous picture? Then we would probably get into a fight because I would say something like “Um, where’s my real gift??”
That could get bad.
What if it is something for the house? I saw this little masterpiece on Pinterest last week….
I can just picture my kids coming into my bedroom with this saying “Look we made you a new Serving Tray!”
But all of my worries were for nothing!
Thankfully – this morning I was pleasantly surprised with the coolest homemade gifts from my children – who really get me.
They are very smart and intuitive boys that must be raised by
MR. GAGA a very cool mom. They clearly know at the young ages of 6 & 8 that they have to think outside of the box to please their mother…..
First Michael wanted me to see his creation that he did last night before bed so it would be ready first thing this morning when we woke up:
Then they presented me with a homemade coupon book.
Each coupon offered normal services that kids would offer their mother; car washing, cleaning, spa services….
And when they made a few of those – I guess they probably looked at each other and said “Let’s be honest….all that bitch cares about is eating….”
These boys know their mother.
And finally – in a final act of love for their mother they presented me with a special surprise at dinner.
It’s a burger and fries fake-out!!
It’s a brownie between two cupcakes and sugar cookies made into fries!!
I mean who could possibly want anything else?
Despite the fact that I have dedicated three solid years to blogging about what an outrage motherhood is – on days like today – dare I say it…….IT’S A BLESSING!!!!!
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!! PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!!!XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA