The other day I was just minding my own business helping my kids pick out books at Barnes and Noble.
As they perused the new Diary of a Wimpy Kid book and some Star Wars Origami books – I looked longingly at the picture book section. Now that they are both great readers the days of cuddling and reading a stack of picture books to them are far and few between.
Beautiful hardcover books lined the shelves, I gazed wistfully at Don’t let the Pigeon Drive the Bus and The Little Engine that Could, and thought it seemed like just yesterday that we were reading those books. I looked at the top of the wall where the newer selections were and realized there were a bunch of books that I didn’t even recognize.
I saw something that made my stomach clench.
I rubbed my eyes in disbelief and squeezed them shut and then opened them again -to be sure I was seeing properly.
So a couple of years ago a mother and daughter team,Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell, came up with this great idea to market the ELF ON THE SHELF at Christmas time. As a result, they have made millions from this idea while we all run around like fucking assholes hiding a doll in our flour and in our shaving cream.
But now!! These gluttonous bitches have decided that we should also have an elf visit when it’s our child’s birthday.
You don’t actually buy a new elf. You buy this book (to the tune of $19.99.) The description reads, “The Elf on the Shelf: A Birthday Tradition tells the little-known story of the North Pole birthday tradition.
Do you know why it’s a “little-known story?” Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell?
Because you made it up.
If you purchase this moronic book you can read about how your Christmas elf can pay you a visit to wish you “Happy birthday.”
Apparently with the book you get an outfit for the elf as he is wearing a cone hat and a cupcake when he arrives.
So it’s not enough that these bitches have single-handedly ruined the joys of preparing for Christmas. It’s not enough that we have to wake up in a cold sweat night after December night – realizing that we forgot to hide the dumb elf.
We have played your reindeer games and you have made a fortune off of us. You dangled that little carrot and said “Buy this elf at Christmas and watch the joy and magic that your children will enjoy!” And because we are a generation of parents that will do anything – ANYTHING to make these brats happy – we played along.
But that’s not enough for you money hungry twats.
Now they want to ruin birthdays too!! You want a piece of the action on birthdays now?
I hope to God that nobody is buying this birthday book.
I hope to God that at some point that we will all come to our senses and say “enough is enough.”
We do too much for these kids as it is for birthdays, and I include myself in the category of excessive over-the-top birthday parties fueled by Pinterest overload.
We have to stop this overindulgence.
December is just around the corner.
One month is enough for this messy, annoying, pole-dancing, flour-angel making, lazy piece of shit.
Please join me in boycotting the “Birthday Elf.”
WHAT CAN I SAY? I DON’T LIKE GREEDY PEOPLE !!! PLEASE SHARE THIS LINK ON FACEBOOK THIS WEEK SO WE CAN GET THIS BOYCOTT GOING!! XOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA