Even though I don’t know a thing about Jesus, and am the worst living Catholic, I somehow gave birth to a Jesus-loving guido. We aren’t quite sure if he was so excited about his first communion because he loves Jesus or because he wanted to try the communion or because he
wanted a swig of wine from that filthy wine cup, or because he wanted a gold chain. But either way way – Sam made his first communion today and it was a very long awaited accomplishment.
I have to bring my children to CCD once a week for years to get to this point. And most recently I had to attend several meetings to be sure that I understood and could abide by the church rules.
When I went to those meetings, the woman in charge would ask us to recite prayers and hold hands with other parents while we said the “Our Father.”
But I plugged along.
I know that this religion stuff is an important piece of parenting as an Italian and Irish person.
But it’s a little bit much.
We had to go to a 2 hour retreat last weekend that was centered on making a “placemat” for the alter during communion.
We had to chose out of pages of religious symbols what we wanted to use – we had to cut out and color each symbol that we chose and paste it to a piece of construction paper.
Sam and I did a few and then
we I lost interest.
“Here Sam – do you want to add this magazine to the paper?” I asked quietly.
“Oh – well it looks dangerously close to an US Weekly – and in about two seconds I am going to draw Bruce Jenner’s face on it – so just glue it to your paper,” I retorted.
“It actually looks like an US Weekly to me too…” Sam quickly agreed as he pasted it to the “placemat.”
I sat through the mass for his holy sacrament. I listened to the priest speak of “eating a meal with Jesus,” and eating his body and blood. I tried to stay serious and pretend that this was totally normal.
I even clapped during the songs and pretended to know the words while this lunatic belted out tunes about Jesus at the top of her lungs.
Next on agenda was to make sure that his party was what it should be – which means many foods and delights in a cross formation at a party.
The antipasto course was a plate of cured meats and cheese in a cross formation…
And then of course “Cross” cookies.
Oh yes – and I had the chinese nail artist paint rosary beads on my nails – just in case Jesus doesn’t believe that I am down with all of this. This should send me to heaven….
Sam received two chains with crosses. This is a major development in his life. Tonight he went upstairs to get ready for bed and then came down with his entire face covered with blood.
“What happened?” I asked with horror.
“Well one of my teeth was little wiggly and I just pulled it right out – because my cross made me strong.” he explained.
At the end of the day – Sam is one with God.
He thinks that I am too.
And all is right with the world.
THANK YOU JESUS! I DON’T HAVE TO HOST A PARTY UNTIL GRADUATION!!! PRAISE JESUS CHRIST!
XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA