Modern-day Hallow's Eve

I remember when I was little on Halloween night, my father coming home from work a little bit earlier than usual and diligently carving a jack o’lantern for us.

He would work very hard and he would set aside all of the pulp and the pumpkin seeds so that my mother could toast them for later.

When he was done we would turn off the lights and marvel at how amazing and cool our pumpkin looked.

No matter what...this is waht it looked like.... Every. Year.
No matter what…this is what it looked like….
Every.
Year.

We would then go trick or treating with an old pillowcase and that was the extent of it.

We were thrilled.

Nowadays (like everything else) Halloween has turned into something that we can agonize over.

My Dad’s jack o’lantern would never live up to today’s standards.

Imagine pinning a picture of that on Pinterest??

Ha!

No way!

A regular old Jack O’Lantern with triangle eyes and nose?

That’s for amateurs….

Today’s pumpkin designers have many different ways to show off their skills….

Of course there’s the obligatory moustache pumpkin…

Um, who was the genius that decided that everything with a moustache was cool??
Um, by the way who was the genius that decided that everything with a moustache was cool??

If you have actually experienced a moustache you would know that there is truly nothing cute or cool about it…..

Then of course since we let our children have pacifiers until they are 6, we might as well give them to our pumpkins as well….

babypaci

I realized today as I walked down the Target aisles and was on Pinterest…Halloween is the new competition sport for moms.

Today’s pumpkins have become the latest tool in a mother’s race to show off how crafty and superior she is.

pumpkinwords
Not only is this mother craftier than you, she has taken it upon herself to turn her pumpkin into a learning tool as well….beat that bitches.

And if that doesn’t take up enough time out of your day, you can start on your next project that will only require you to handpaint ten pumpkins….

caterpillarpumpkin

Once you have taken care of the outside pumpkins you can move indoors where you can design fancy indoor pumpkins that will take everyone’s breath away…

pumpkinwriting
Nowadays it is totally normal to spend your days writing cryptic messages with a calligraphy pen on a white pumpkin….

When you are done decorating all of your pumpkins, maybe then you can focus what little time and energy you have left to other Halloween festivities….like making your own candy corn!

Why would you just go out and a buy a bag of candy corn for 99 cents when you can spend two solid days making your own?
Why would you just go out and a buy a bag of candy corn for 99 cents when you can spend two solid days making your own?

I have said it many times and I will say it again.

Who the fuck has this kind of time?

I have tried to imagine how I would feel if I had endless time on my hands with nothing to do.

Would I actually want to make weird pumpkins and homemade candy corn??

Maybe someday it will happen.

Maybe someday Mr. Gaga will come home after a long day’s work and walk in the door and see lots of ornate pumpkins and Halloween decor.

Hanging from the door frame right at eye level when he enters the house will be….

tamponghost
This is a tampon fashioned into a ghost.

There’s nothing left to say, except that this tampon ghost is definitely by far the scariest Halloween decoration I could ever imagine.

What is this world coming to??

LISTEN – I AM NOT INTERESTED IN BEING THE #2 FUNNIEST MOTHER IN AMERICA!! I WOULD LIKE TO BE #1 – PLEASE CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW TO PUT ME TO THE TOP! AS MR. GAGA SAYS – SECOND IS THE FIRST LOSER!

THANKS! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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7 thoughts on “Modern-day Hallow's Eve

  1. you wrote what I was thinking every year! Damn Pinterest for making me feel so inferior! Now I’m so lazy, I resort to slapping stickers on them and calling it a day! 😉

  2. I actually do have that much time on my hands right now because I’m a furloughed government employee. However, I’m still going to stick with the pillow case and the last-minute halloween costume for my 4 year old because its always best not to set too high of expectations. :)

  3. For the amount of time that you spend bashing things, you could easily spend that time carving pumpkins. Why is it that if my family wants to carve a cool pumpkin it is to one up other moms? Why can’t it be that we want to carve a cool pumpkin?

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