Raising the (Salad) Bar

Kids today are just so goddamn dependent on their parents.  They are helpless overindulged little beings.

We have created this.

Parents today have hovered and helicoptered so much that we have rendered these poor innocent children so completely and utterly paralyzed that we don’t even know what they are capable of.

I saw this first-hand this week.

Goopville Moms decided to put forth a great effort to affect change in the school food program.  This effort manifested itself this year with the PTO purchase of 11 salad bars (one for each elementary school in town) which would be wheeled out and utilized every Wednesday.

“Children will have fresh salad once a week!” the PTO rejoiced.

SaladBarwh
Even though there is fake fruit and vegetables on the top – the actual salad bar is quite pitiful….

With these amazing developments came a request from the PTO for parent volunteers to man the salad bar.  Each Wednesday 2 parents would have to commit 2 solid hours of their day to doling out lettuce to rotten children.  Needless to say I was on the list of parents to contact regarding this.

“So – why do we have to be cafeteria workers?” I asked calmly to the Salad mom in charge.

“Oh – it’s fun! It’s so nice to see all of the children enjoying the salad bar!” she answered cheerfully -not really answering why my life had been boiled down to a school cafeteria employee.

I agreed to a couple of days in the beginning of the year and marked my calendar.

This week – after the hustle bustle of the holidays was officially over I felt like I could breathe.

The house got cleaned and slightly organized.  I hit the gym.  I made dinners. I washed clothes.

All was right with the Gaga world.

I was browsing through my phone checking out my calendar Wednesday night when I saw something alarming.

Oh dear...
Oh dear…I didn’t do that….

“Oh my God the “Salad Bar Mom” is going to kill me!” I thought. Hopefully the other mom on duty held it together.   I ran to the bottom of the stairs and called up to the kids who were in bed.

“KIDS!!  HOW WAS THE SALAD BAR TODAY???”

“Fine!” they called down disinterestedly.

“Was anyone there?!” I called.

“Nobody!” they answered.

Oh no.

“WAS LETTUCE FLYING EVERYWHERE???” I called up frantically.

“NO!”

“WERE PEOPLE SMASHING TOMATOES ON THE FLOOR?”

“NO!”

“WERE PEOPLE PUTTING THEIR HANDS IN THE OLIVES AND PUTTING THEM ON THEIR FINGERS?”

“WERE KIDS CRYING?”

“NO!!”

“DID ANYONE LIGHT THE SALAD BAR ON FIRE?”

“DID KIDS TAKE ALL THE VEGETABLES AND MAKE HATS WITH THEM?”

20114515-1206-bigstock_Kid_with_salad_and_tomato_hat__15442769

“NO MOM!”

“DID BIG FAT OBESE CHILDREN TAKE TOO MUCH SALAD??”

This could be catastrophic!
This could be catastrophic!

“DID ANYONE WHEEL THE SALAD BAR DOWN THE HALLWAY AS FAST AS THEY COULD AND THROW IT OUT INTO THE SNOW?”

“NO MOM!!!! NOTHING HAPPENED!” they answered with annoyance.

Hmmm – the other mother didn’t show up either and nothing happened.

Nobody even noticed.

The whole next day went by and the salad bar mother didn’t even contact me.

“I think this a major development!” I told Mr. Gaga excitedly. “By not showing up- I forced hundreds of children to be resourceful and pick up their own cucumbers with a pair of tongs and they succeeded!!”

“Don’t try to twist your negligence into something other than what it was….” he reprimanded.

I rolled my eyes as I texted the salad bar mother to apologize but to let her know that everything ran smoothly and there was nothing to worry about.

She was not impressed with my experiment.

She had heard that some children had eaten salad without dressing because they didn’t know how to get it.

“See?” Mr. Gaga confirmed, “You dropped the ball,” he said shaking his head – mocking me.

“I dropped the ball? I screeched.

“Do you know that just this week a girl Sam’s age dug herself out of a plane crash that killed her family and traveled barefoot through the woods to rescue herself??” I demanded.

“And I am supposed to feel bad that these useless brats didn’t have enough ranch dressing on their lettuce?”

Mr. Gaga shrugged.

He doesn’t want to admit the facts.

Our children are capable of doing a lot more than they do.  How will we know what they are capable of if we don’t let them try?

Next year Michael and his classmates will be in fifth grade!! They are going to start going through puberty!

Will they have pubic hair and body odor and I will be cutting their meat for them?

Is this what Michelle Obama envisioned when she started her healthy food in schools initiative?

You're cute - now go get your own damn salad....
You’re cute – now go get your own damn salad….

That grown-ass children with their periods would be waiting for me to sprinkle croutons on their salads for them?

Do you think the Tiger Moms in China are scooping chickpeas all day?

"You guys are assholes..."
“You guys are assholes…”

It will be interesting to find out what children can really do – and I am going to know the answers soon, because after this salad bar experiment I decided I am really going to try not to do anything for my kids ever again…..

I will let you all know how it goes!!

Happy 2015!

VOTE FOR ME FOR LIBERATING CHILDREN AND THEIR HELICOPTER PARENTS ACROSS THE LAND BY CLICKING THE BANNER BELOW!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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4 thoughts on “Raising the (Salad) Bar

  1. Hi, Susan here from Sweet Life Farm. I did the same thing, only for book fair. In town shopping, totally forgot that I was one of two parents manning the registers that day while the little darlings agonized over their $2 pencil eraser purchases, and nearly crying because you have to tell them that fifty cents in change will not now, nor ever buy a $12.95 One Direction profile book.

    You’re right. Kids are spoiled rotten, and it’s our own damn fault. The question is, though, were they actually eating the salad, or were they dumping it into the trash can? My guess is, after having seen plenty of lunch times, 75% of them dumped it.

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