THE RETURN OF THE ELF

Because I have publicly announced my disdain for “the Elf” people feel compelled to torture me with pictures of what their elf is doing.

This week I received two texts that included alarming pictures of what these asshole elves are doing around Goopville.

 

 

 

 

 

Apparently this Goopville elf binge-eats at night....
Apparently this Goopville elf binge-eats at night….

 

Apparently this elf takes huge shits on cookies....
Apparently this elf takes huge shits on cookies….

 

What are we doing??

Am I the only one who finds this whole practice a gross misplacement of our intelligence and cleverness?

It’s infuriating!!!

In honor of this treacherous and horrific time – a mere ten days before Christmas Eve -i am reposting my original Elf blog that parents across the land thoroughly enjoyed last year.

In case anyone is confused about my feelings about “the Elf” …..I hate your elf – and if you’re making your elf do obnoxious shit – I hate you too.

Enjoy!!!

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Dear Carol Aebersold and twin daughters, Christa and Chanda, (Elf on the Shelf Creators),

I am so sorry to disturb you at this time of year.

I am sure you are quite busy counting all of the multi-millions you have made on your adorable little Elf idea.   Right now this letter might find you drinking a Mai Tai in the Turks and Caicos or maybe you are doing some 5th Avenue Christmas shopping at Tiffany’s and Bergdorf Goodman.

Well, I hope you are enjoying your luxurious lifestyle.

While you sip champagne and shop for Louboutins the rest of us are running around like fucking assholes dousing our kitchens with flour so that the “elf can make snow angels” and pretending that our elf is on a “wrecking ball.”

Yes, I had Miley Cyrus in mind when I did this.....
Yes, I had Miley Cyrus in mind when I did this…..

But look at how one of my new favorite bloggers, Lil Blue Boo, took it one step further!!!!

elfmiley
This elf has a foam finger!!!!!

Anyways – Carol, Christa and Chanda,while I admire your tenacity and ambition, let’s face facts. Your invention is a thinly veiled attempt at “creating magic for children,” when in fact what you have actually done is create yet another guilt-inducer for mothers across America.

I have mentioned before how I sell bras part-time, and I have mentioned how I try to be like Clark Griswold and create magic at Christmas for my family.

Every day during December, I deal with angry entitled “bra customers,” then I rush home to do laundry, cook and clean.

I, along with most mothers, add to my regular tasks, baking, wrapping, Christmas shopping, Christmas movie watching, holiday decorating, visits with Santa, Christmas tree shopping and fighting with Mr. Gaga. (a true holiday tradition.)

When I finally lay my head down each night to “settle my brain for a long winter’s nap” I always start to doze off quickly. Each night, just before I drift off into a deep sleep I will suddenly remember…and sit straight up in bed, breaking into a cold sweat….

FUCK!!!! I FORGOT ABOUT THE ELF!!!!!
FUCK!!!! I FORGOT ABOUT THE ELF!!!!!

EVERY. NIGHT.

Are you happy now?

Thanks to you, we have to deal with this North Pole motherfucker from Thanksgiving to Christmas.

Like everything else in modern-day motherhood, elf activities, hiding spots and inappropriate habits have become a new competition.  Mothers snap photos of their sneaky little “elves” doing silly things like banging Barbies and then quickly post on Facebook so we can all see how invested they are in providing the BEST ELF EVER!! for their little brats.

I'll admit this is good....
I’ll admit this is good….

Did you ever consider coming up with a lucrative idea that enables you to have success without throwing all mothers in America under the bus until the end of time?

You three think you are just soooo clever don’t you?

You know who’s clever?

The lady who invented the dishwasher is clever.  She helped us all have a prayer of doing something besides cleaning dishes and cutlery all day.

Bethenney Frankel is clever.  She made billions creating entertainment and alcohol with a skinny woman on the bottle to make us feel chic.

The person who invented hand sanitizer is clever.  Enabling us to go to the grocery store, gas station and Disney World without contracting SARS or the Swine Flu.

The inventor of Spanx is clever, she created a way for us to hide our muffin tops so we could leave the house feeling better about our bodies.

The list goes on and on of women who came up with great ideas and inventions that have ultimately helped women and families.

But guess who is not going on that list?

You!!!

You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute....All I see here are three twats with double chins....
You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute….All I see here are three twats with double chins….

You three bitches will go down in history as the assholes who made millions by creating extra work for parents during the busy holiday season.

Don’t even think about telling me that it’s a tool to help the kids to behave either.

Earlier I got a quick snapshot of the regular goings-on in the Gaga household.

kids2
Please note the kids are wrestling in front of a table that is housing a nativity scene as well as the elf…..

Nobody cares.

When the elf arrives the kids try to behave for like two days  one day  one hour 

Nobody cares.

In closing, I just want to tell you one last time that you have to live with yourselves knowing that you have caused annoyance and headaches for parents across the land.

Also, my elf has something to say….

Picture

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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4 thoughts on “THE RETURN OF THE ELF

  1. This is hysterical! I just came across this and thought you would love to see my rap video about stressed out mom at Christmas time. THe whole second verse is about the Elf and my hatred of him!!!!Love your blog!

  2. I hate the elf. I told my daughter Santa only ever sends the Elf on a Shelf to naughty kids because he has to keep an eye on them. Then i listed her friends that have the elf and recalled the naughtiest things they had done to deserve an elf. Now she is afraid of the elf and whenever she gets in trouble during December nervously asks… “You don’t think Im going to get the naughty Elf on a Shelf, do you? I hate him.” Merry Christmas. I wont be pulled into that shit.

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