Dear Santa,

I have done everything I am supposed to do.

Sure I occasionally call people twats and I swear at my children every morning when I wake up,  once a week,  only in the car,   occasionally….

But I am a good person and I do my duties.

I believe in myself.

I do what I am supposed to do.   I am very reliable.

I know I will without a doubt complete every task that is laid out for me or that I lay out for myself.

After hosting my annual Thanksgiving morning 5k, I hosted Thanksgiving dinner for 28 people which involved a lot of cooking and figuring out how we were going to cook three turkeys.  One of said turkeys was being delivered fresh and uncooked the night before Thanksgiving by a cousin coming from New York in an ice storm.   I remained calm and collected throughout everything and everything was perfect. I told her to simply put the turkey on the next flight out of NY just to be safe…..

turkey airport

Everything was perfect.

I work in retail so immediately the next day I was in Black Friday mode and last night promptly switched into Christmas mode.

We watched a Christmas movie while stuffing envelopes with the annual Christmas photo card showcasing the handsome Gaga children.

I took the kids to get a tree.  I inspected and smelled every tree until I found the perfect one.  I took obligatory pictures of the kids with pine needles in the background.

We went to see Santa. (Not at the Frozen Palace – I have to draw the line somewhere.)

I am almost done with my Christmas shopping, an I have purchased everyone every gift they have requested or even mentioned in passing. Even for tough requests, come hell or high water, I will find every last item.

I will wrap every gift and hide it until Christmas in a perfect hiding spot or place it under the tree in a perfect formation with all color coded and monochromatic wrapping.

I will go into my recipe box and pull out the dog-eared index cards that were carefully written out by my best friend’s Italian grandmother and break my back making hundreds of Italian cookies.

I will also make sugar cookie dough and let the kids roll out and decorate cookies.

I will buy Christmas themed pajamas for my children so they will be the picture of holiday delight on Christmas morning.

I will host my annual “Cousin’s Christmas”party so that all 25 of us can celebrate together.

I will work in retail for the entire season.  When stressed and frantic women take out their angst on me I will attempt to remain calm and professional and understand that they too are just trying to do it all. When men come to the mall frantically on Christmas Eve throwing cash at me and begging for last minute help – I will pleasantly guide them to a great solution,

I will decorate the tree with my family and if Mr. Gaga fucks up the Christmas season in some fashion I will find a way to hold it together.  I will not murder him.

I will take out your little Elf and despite my disdain for him and his antics – I will hide that fucking asshole every night even though I am tired and have other shit to do…

I will attend holiday parties armed with appetizers and cookies and wine.

I will purchase egg nog even though it’s disgusting and let my kids drink it, and I will make them hot chocolate every time they are outside for an extended period of time in the cold.

I will decorate my home accordingly.  I will place candles around the house that smell like Christmas cookies and pine needles.  I will swap out my soaps for delightful soaps that smell like vanilla sugar and gingerbread men.  I will even buy room sprays that are seasonally appropriate.

Santa if you need to take a huge shit when you are here on Christmas Eve - I've got you covered.
Santa if you need to take a huge shit when you are here on Christmas Eve – I’ve got you covered.

I will bring the children to mass throughout the Christmas season,  we will say “grace” at Christmas dinner , we drive by the church a lot   on Christmas Eve to celebrate the birth of Jesus.

I will remind the children to open up a window on the Advent calendar each night (or sometimes we forget for a few days and open 7 at once.)

I will watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” and cry at the appropriate moments.

I will remind the kids also that Christmas is a time to think about those who are less fortunate and we will buy a new unwrapped toy and place it in the Toys for Tots bin.

I will do all of this.  I know I will.  I believe in myself.

And everyone in this house knows that I will do all of this.  They believe in me too.

But I don’t want to believe in myself. I am tired Santa.

I want to believe in you.

I am hoping and praying for your magic to happen for me this year.

I am wishing for a few things that I know you can make happen…..

I believe in you Santa.

So that being said…..

I want a driver.  He doesn’t have to be fancy in a fancy driver outfit and he doesn’t have to even drive a town car or limo.  I just want to wake up Christmas morning and know that someone else will be driving these children to where they need to go and also I need him to drive me to work ….oh and occasionally go to get milk.

If this guy knows how to get around Goopville - he's hired.
If this guy knows how to get around Goopville – he’s hired.

Santa, I would also like a huge closet filled with clothes and shoes.

I don’t want to shop for them.  I don’t even really care what they are.

I just want to get ready to go somewhere and look into my closet and not say “I have nothing to wear.”

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Something like this would be good – but without all that pink shit – just all black clothing will do.

I would like a whole new face and body.  I don’t want to have to actually have a tummy tuck, boob job and face lift though….

I just want to wake up without puffs and wrinkles and tits that hang down to my socks.

I also would like my hair to remain brown without dying it constantly and in between dye jobs sweeping it with mascara as a quick fix.

I don't want to look crazy....But this would be good.  Thank you Santa.
I don’t want to look crazy….But this would be good. Also I would like to drink gallons of wine and lots of Christmas cookies with no repercussions.  Thank you Santa.

I wanted to ask for one more thing but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

I asked Mr. Gaga – “I am writing a list to Santa – what should I ask for.”

Without skipping a beat he stared at me and said “I don’t know….a sexual drive?”

So I guess I will throw that in there for poor Mr. Gaga – but there I go again – doing things for other people Santa!

Anyways – I love you and believe in you…

Don’t let me down.

Yours truly,

Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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