I have had a few youngsters around me lately that are pregnant for the first time.
They just are so innocent and cute with their hopeful and sweet love for their unborn child.
They are so clueless as to what is about to happen to their life so they say some hilarious shit.
Sometimes I correct them.
Sometimes I just don’t say anything and nod my head in agreement.
Sometimes I just have a little laugh at their expense.
And sometimes I just cannot believe how little they know…..
So I laugh maniacally:
But just remember Pregos!! While I might laugh at you and your Bugaboo strollers and your “Gender Reveal Parties” and your all-over dazed and confused stares – I ALWAYS warn you!!!!
Now here’s my Top 5 Hilarious things that Pregnant people say:
#1 – “I’m only crying because I am hormonal – I will be better once I have the baby.”
That’s not accurate at all.
Think about the tears that you have shed over the course of the nine and half months of pregnancy.
Multiply that number of tears by 500 and smoosh all of that water into about 6 months.
That’s what lies ahead – my pregnant little angels.
Your hormones are still crazy after you have the baby and you can add to that the smell of poop, bloody engorged boobs, a fat stomach that has no baby in it, shrill screaming in the middle of the night and a nightly average of 5 hours of sleep.
The crying will continue and it will be deep sobbing to the depths of your soul. Be ready for it.
#2 – “I only hate my husband right now because I am pregnant and hormonal, I will love him again after I have the baby.”
PLEASE SEE #1.
The hatred will become much worse.
Before you got pregnant – you likely would look over at your husband in bed and see this:
So you are probably unaccustomed to any bad feelings towards your significant other…
But be warned that as soon as you give birth – when you look over in bed at your husband you will now see the same exact human being – but instead of looking like David Beckham – all you will see is this:
You will quickly assume the role of the mother which will include but not be limited to: caring for the child’s eating and burping needs, caring for the child’s private parts with various ointments, wipes and gauze strips, caring for the child’s comfort and sleeping needs, swaddling and clothing the child, among other household duties and entertaining and being nice to visitors.
During all of this you will look over at your husband who at one point you may of thought of as your knight in shining armor and you will see a stupid, useless, vapid creature who you want to murder in the night. You will consider different ways you can murder him. You will be up at night breastfeeding and you will see him drooling into his pillow and you will want to smother him.
You won’t do it.
In time you will probably like him again.
But please know that the hatred is far from over.
#3 – “I am going to breastfeed so I can lose weight.”
I mean apparently this can in fact work for Gisele and other women who are good at starving themselves to death. Your body burns like 5000 calories via breastfeeding so your hunger becomes worse than ever. In addition, you need to be sure to eat and drink certain things to create superior breastmilk – so it’s quite difficult to have breastfeeding take the place of Weight Watchers.
Breastfeeding is impossible as it is. Breastfeeding AND starving yourself??? Don’t set yourself up for failure.
#4 – “I need a wipe warmer because I don’t want my baby’s butt to get cold!”
I mean – there are those that have said that I am a horrible person and mother -so maybe that’s why I never felt this maternal instinct to protect my children’s buttocks from mysterious winds indoors.
When children are screaming and crying and covered with piss and diarhea and it’s 3 AM – I never really gave two flying shits about the windchill near their assholes.
The rest of their life they will be sitting down on cold toilet seats.
I think it best that they learn about the harsh realities of life right from the get-go.
When your ass is out of it’s diaper, cold winds blow by and might cause a chill on your anus.
Isn’t that what life’s all about?
#5 – I heard that breastfeeding hurts…is that true?”
Um… I think the word “hurt” is an insult to breastfeeders across the land.
I don’t know, imagine taking your boob and touching the sun with it….
Then imagine immediately going back to earth, lying down in the street and sticking your boob on the pavement and a yellow schoolbus, filled with tons of rotten children, drives over your boob…..
and then imagine you sit up quickly and someone at that very moment shoots a gun and the bullet goes right through your nipple.
That’s basically what it feels like.
Then like 40 minutes later – you have to do that whole thing over again.
It doesn’t just hurt. It’s a searing pain that goes into the innermost layers of your being and for like 20 seconds you think you might actually die. But once the baby latches on – it’s totally fine! You will totally love it!
The important thing is to stay positive!!!
One day you will look back at all of this and laugh!!!
I TAKE MY JOB OF WARNING NEW MOTHERS VERY SERIOUSLY – SINCE I AM DOING GOOD WORKS FOR OTHERS – PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA